Start of my sitcom...

Hi all, I know this hasn't been formatted too well but I hope it gets the idea across. This is the first couple of scenes of my sitcom idea and it shows the main character and his boss. I'm then going to introduce the best friend of the main character later on in the episode. I'm yet to have come up with a title.

(We see Sam walking towards a television studio- A skinny 20 something.)

(V.O.)When I was 14 years old, I was a f**king star. A child- f**king- star. I was young, ambitious and full of what the Mexicans call 'beans'. But who, at that age, can honestly say they can handle such pressure.
I won't lie to you... I couldn't.
People would come up to me in the street and say "Hey you're that kid, right? From that show?" They knew my name and they knew the shows that I'd appeared in, but the prejudices of yesteryear were focused on kids like me. I have and always will, called these people 'scum'.

At the age of 16 I worked on a show called 'Star power'... little did I know, it would ruin me.

(clip from star power shows Sam spinning round and giving a monkey a high five)

Pretty good, right? The show itself didn't ruin me, but I was f**king the producers daughter at the time and that didn't fly with him. Some people are overly up-tight... it's something you learn in this business.

(Flashback - we see the producer barge into a room where his daughter and Sam are f**king)

Producer: You little shit... Get out, both of you!
(They both flee the room.)
Producer: (Calling after the fleeing couple) YOU'RE FIRED!

The two 16 yr old's walk down the street.
Sam: Wow, sucks for you... Can he even do that? So what, are you just gonna go find another Father figure?

Daughter: Errr, why would I have to?

Main: Well he said you were fired. I imagine that was his was of abandoning you.

Daughter: He was talking to you...

Main: oh.

(Cut to the set of a television program)
(V.O.)And 8 long, slow years later I'm still in this industry but with no more of the bullshit pressure hoisted up upon my tired shoulders.

We're on the set of a t.v. program and Sam is talking to a woman.

Sam: So, yeh as I say. I used to be on loadsa stuff. Are you a 90's kid?
Woman: Yeh! I was born in '97.
Sam: Well you're not then- it doesn't matter. Just YouTube some of my-
Andy: (Calling from a chair) Bitch.
(Sam is smiling at the woman silently- pretending not to hear Andy)
Andy: Skinny bitch
(Sam smiles blankly at woman)
Woman: I think he's talking to you.
Sam: That's a guess right? I'm not skinny... actually this build is called 'athletic'.
Andy: Come here now, or you're fired.
Sam: (To woman) Back in a sec... I'll humour him.

(Freeze)

VO: Remember that producer I slightly annoyed a few years ago? This is his son, Andy Myers. Andy Myers is an actor with somewhat of a tricky reputation.

(Cut to montage of news program)
Broadcaster: Andy Myers has been caught speeding... Naughty naughty Andy, 44 in a 30 zone!
(Cut to)
Broadcaster: Myers Leaves nighclub with mystery white powder around his nose.
(Cut to CCTV footage of Myers pissing on war memorial)
Broadcaster: When asked how drunk he was by one reporter, Myers replied, "I've been drunker"
(cut to)
Broadcaster: Actor Andy Myers is once again in the spotlight after throwing a midget out of his hotel window, this comes only days after he was heard calling a Nun a "A black and white slut of God". His Position on one of televisions longest running sitcom's is coming under serious pressure.

VO: The truth is, it's hard to get in any serious trouble when your father owns a t.v. station. And something had always told me he hadn't managed to get over the fact that I slept with his sister.

Cut back to the current situation.

Andy: Sam, Coffee now.
Sam: Is that a statement, or?
Andy: It's a f**king command you piece of f**king chewing gum.
Sam: Chewing gum? Is that an insult? I've never heard that one before.
Andy: What should I call you?
Sam: (Muffled) 'Twat' or something?
(Sam walks to the coffee dispenser)
Andy: Not that shit... go to Costas.

Cut to Sam leaving the building and walking into the city. A text appears on his phone: "Hurry up".

He jogs to a coffee shop.

Sam: (To Coffee server) Alright Wayne? Cappucino please, Don't hold the spit.
Wayne: (Calling to colleague) One Myercino, Colin.
(we hear a colleague in the background trying to gather mucus from his throat)
The people behind Sam in the queue turn around and leave.
(silence as they wait for Coffee)
Wayne: Sooo... Coffee's nice innit?
Sam: Yeh, s'alright actually, yeh.
Wayne: I tell you what, if this was 19th century England, I have no idea what I'd be doing for a job.
Sam: Ha... cleaning toilets?
Wayne: Hahahaha...
Sam: No?
Wayne: They didn't have toilets back then mate. Don't think I'd have been doing that (winks)
(silence)
Sam: I Think they did.
Wayne: They didn't.
Sam: Is it ready yet?
Wayne: (shouting) Have you spat in that coffee yet?
Colin: I can't get a good bit of flem.
(Everyone in the coffee house leaves.)

Sam walks back towards the studio with coffee in hand. He notices a wire fence and runs his fingers over it. His fingers move quickly over the fence and he smiles to himself - walking along.

Sam: (to himself) I could have been a typewriter...

Sam starts to run.

Sam: I'm the fastest typewriter in the world!

The fences abruptly ends and Sam falls down a set of stairs covering himself in the coffee.
After a couple of seconds he slowly lifts his head up. He has spit on his face from the coffee.
He looks down at his clothes.

Sam: Oh, f**k.

(The program title flashes upon the screen.)

I think the concept's good. It seems like the kind of thing that may have been done before, but if it has, I either haven't seen it or I've forgotten it. But I can certainly picture it being a TV show.

I didn't like the "You're fired" misunderstanding joke, just feels far too absurd a leap to make. I could imagine it perhaps working if the way it's played is that Sam knows he's been fired, but isn't admitting it.

I didn't like "could have been a typewriter" thing either, not sure why... I'm not sure what exactly those lines are supposed to do for the viewer.

I liked a lot of the dialogue. In parts it's a bit flabby, but it gives a good impression of tone. Awkward silences, little misunderstandings and arguments ie the toilets thing... That's why stuff like the "You're fired" misunderstanding sticks out as bad to me, because much of the rest of the dialogue seems more relatable.

The opening voiceover needs a bit of work. It doesn't make Sam very sympathetic and I don't really know what "the prejudices of yesteryear were focused on kids like me" means.

As I say, I think the concept is good, and the world's set up pretty well. I'm not sure how many pages in this is, but it seems like it's meandering a bit, plot-wise. Is the plot of this episode the quest to get Andy a coffee? Something that involves Sam being covered in coffee and the girl he talked to earlier? Or something that hasn't been introduced yet?

Thanks for the feedback

The typewriter lines are a little strange, but I feel they'd play out pretty well! I also kinda of want Sam to not really be a character people feel sympathetic towards. He's delusional and feels he's slightly famous and can use it to his advantage. The voice overs are where we see what Sam really thinks about people and situations... He's got more confidence and bravado when it's all in his head!

The plot is really still to come for this episode. Getting the coffee is really just a way of setting up the situation and a few of the characters.

Thanks again for the feedback, I'll definitely use it.

Flashback. montages & voice-over are all tools that have to be used with caution.
The result here is a messy confused opening
I think you need to find another way of establishing things up front otherwise you'll lose your audience.
Perhaps some sort of (more orthodox) opening scene to get us involved with the protagonist then break the 4th wall and address the viewer - "So, how did I end up here?" sort of thing.
Or something.

I got half way, this is not great. Lumpy expositional dialogue, telling us exactly whats happening, multiple flash backs and a lack of jokes.

I think you need to calm it down, stop shouting at the audience whats happening and let us see. I mean I'm not even sure whats happening.

I read it all and it left me a bit confused. There was something I like about it.. but not quite sure what... think it was the energy or something that bounced off the page. It definitely needs more focus and structure. I don't think anyone would get through a whole episode of this. It just reads like a brainstorm .
I found the absurdity of a Man running along shouting "I am the Fastest Typwriter in the world" really funny... but didn't really understand it.

I know you've probably gone over this loads and loads but it reads like an early draft to me and I don't yet feel I'm in safe hands somehow.

I agree that V.O is often a bit of a cop-out. Too much tell not enough show, however, I found Sam's voice quite interesting. The piece has energy, that's for sure and I also think the concept is great - I'd love to watch a programme about a washed up child star.

Finally, you spelt flem wrong

I'm gonna be honest... I wrote it yesterday! I just suddenly had a very clear concept in my mind, I can see how some people might be quite confused by it though, as I struggled a little to get it down.

I would preferably like to write this with someone else. So if someone buys into my idea and wouldn't mind helping me calm it down and structure it a little... let me know.

I liked the "You're fired" joke, but agree with the others that the structure's just too complicated.

Thanks for the feedback. I think it would play out a lot better on the screen than it does on paper.

Thanks all for the feedback though. I'm starting the process of refinement at the moment.

It works but it could work better but it's layout problem not a content one which is a good sign.

I often see stuff laid out on here that is technically far superior to my output by miles and that reflects the hard work that the writer has put in.

But at this stage I think you should concentrate on getting the funny across without the technical,

I know final drafts have to be spot on (I still haven't mastered that) but at this stage and given the amount of flashbacks I think you would benefit from concentrating on the funny so the reader can feel the funny, the rest drop in at final draft/

Understood, Thanks Teddy.

It's what we do.