Skit Comp 1- 8.11.13

Thanks for another cool skitcomp and congratulations to JAKOB JENSEN for winning. Please get pished as a farth and PM me with a subject for next wank.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Jakob Jensen
2 - 5 - Gappy, Otterfox
1 - 1 - Playfull
Special mention: Stonked

Your new subject: DATING chosen by CARLOS MANWELLY.

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 8.11.13

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 96 - Gappy
2 - 55 - Jakob Jensen
3 - 40 - Otterfox, Michael Monkhouse
4 - 31 - Sootyj
5 - 16 - Carlos Manwelly
6 - 15 - Tiggy
7 - 10 - Shandonbelle
8 - 6 - Playfull, Funny Ha Ha Not Funny Strange
9 - 5 - Stylee Tee Tee, Nick81, Stonked, 404 Not Found, Steve Sunshine

Judea, A.D. 36

Ext: A workshop with a carpenter standing just outside, on the road, inspecting some lengths of timber. Man enters from stage right, he is wearing traditional garb with the addition of a red and white scarf.

Man entering stage:

Hello Abe, how's business?

Abe: (smiling)

Good mate, good. What with silly season coming up I can barely keep up with demand; crucifixes don't make themselves ya know. What about you Jacob, off down the arena?

Jacob: (dejectedly touches scarf)

Yeah

Abe

What's wrong? You don't seem very enthusiastic about it.

Jacob:

Ahh, it's all changed mate, new rules, regulations, it's no longer the sport of the common man. I hear they're going to make the arenas all seated next season; that'll kill the atmosphere. Do you follow it much?

Abe:

Just little bits mate, it ain't my game, know what I mean?

Jacob:

Yeah. And cos of all the accidents over the last few seasons health and safety have got involved, too many supporters getting hit by wayward missiles. So now we're not allowed to throw stones anymore, we have to throw fruit with stones in them.

Abe:

Oh yeah, I did hear something about that; they're calling it dating ain't they?

Jacob: (becoming agitated)

Bloody ridiculous if you ask me. We used to be able to get five or six done in an afternoon before. Now we're lucky if we get one done. And we have to have a break halfway through so sweepers can come on and brush away these mountains of fruit. I don't think they realise how hard it is to date someone to death.

(Two men with scarfs walk through from stage right happily chanting. They give Jacob a thumbs up which he half heartedly returns. A young woman accompanies the two men. She too is cheering though less enthusiastically than the men but obviously quite happy. The trio exit stage left)

Jacob: (pointing after departing group)

And they're letting women attend as well now.

Abe:

Well surely that's got to be good for the sport, widening the fan base, getting more groups involved.

Jacob:

You'd think so wouldn't you, but each group wants their own version of the game. The visually impaired want blind dating; those stupid beggars from the society of people who get bored quickly want speed dating...I swear they've got some sort of attention deficiency disorder. And I've heard a rumour that the guild of entertainers and trapeze artists want on-line dating...whatever that might be. I tell you it's enough to make you want to blaspheme.

Abe: Well I hope you have a good time.

Jacob:

I doubt it.

(looks up at the sun)

Well I better get moving, they'll be bricking off soon.

Abe:

Yeah, take it easy Jacob...and cheer up, you never know, now that women have started dating you might even pull.

Scene end

A BELL DINGS

HER
The minutes have just flown by.

HIM
Yes, for me too.

HER
I'm not normally this bold, but - can we swap numbers?

HIM
Yeah, sure. But first, there's something I need to tell you. It's a bit awkward.

HER
What? I don't believe it! I really thought we were hitting it off. I actually allowed myself to think that you liked me. I was even prepared to take it up the arse for you on our first proper date. And now you're dropping the bombshell. There's someone else isn't there. You've got a wife and two kids and a puppy and you were just having some fun. A bit on the side. That's it, isn't it. Go on then, spit it out. Get it over with you cheating bastard.

HIM
Actually, I was just going to say that you've got a little bogey on the end of your nose.

HER (WIPES HER NOSE WITH THE BACK OF HER HAND)
Oh god. How embarrassing. I had no idea. I hope it hasn't put you off.

HIM
It's a very nice nose.

HER
But...?

HIM
Nothing.

HER
You're still staring.

HIM
Am I?

HER
You're staring at my tits.

HIM
Sorry. I was just trying not to stare at your nose.

HER
Oh my god.

HIM
What?

HER
You were criticising my tits.

HIM
No I wasn't. Honestly. I'm sure they're very nice tits.

HER
You think they're fake. That's it, isn't it? You think my beautiful, totally natural, pendulous breasts aren't real. I don't believe it. You're trying to picture them even now, aren't you? Hey? You'd love to see them, wouldn't you?

HIM
No. Well - yes. You know. But not now. Not here.

HER
Oh yeah. I can see where this is going. I'm not going to get any peace until I flop them out. You're not going to stop pestering me until I let you see them swinging free in all their naked glory. Oh well, if that's what it's going to take to shut you up ... here they are ... go on ... have a good look. Well, what do you think?

A BELL DINGS

HIM
They're very nice, but ...

HER
But what? Don't tell me you've seen another bogey.

HIM
No. It's just -

HER
Just what? Come on. What's your problem now?

HIM
You're standing in my way, and I want to get off the bus.

END

THE THAI LADY

BUDDY: How did your date with that Thai lady go?

DUDE: I took her to a restaurant for a dinner and afterwards we saw a film in the cinema.

BUDDY: And? Did you get any?

DUDE: After the film we went to my place and she took off her clothes and it turned out she had a penis.

BUDDY: Damn what did you do then?

DUDE: Since I already paid for dinner and film, I thought I might as well get some.

1: You, my good man!

2: Yeah?

1: What...what year is it?

2: 2013, mate.

1: Aha! Wonderful.

2: Wow, are you a time traveller, mate?

1: Hmmm?

2: You're a time traveller!

1: No. No, I'm not.

2: Course you are. Why else would you ask me what year it was?

1: I'm quite forgetful.

2: Then what's that huge metal sphere you just walked out of, with all the flashing lights?

1: Do you know, I don't remember.

2: Bit weird, son.

1: [Long pause] Who are you, again?

SITS OPPOSITE JEN (GORGEOUS) IN AN ASK PIZZA RESTAURANT A WAITER TAKES THEIR ORDER

JEN
Spaghetti carbonara and make sure it's the long variety.

WAITER
What ever you say.

WAITER LEAVES

TIM
So I was kinda shocked when you agreed to go on a date with me.

JEN
Took you long enough to ask.

TIM
Well I'm an IT geek in the basement. And you're the beauteous queen of marketing, too right it took me 6 months to pluck up the courage.

JEN
Besides and I mean this nicely. You "geekier types" are abit more tolerant.

TIM
Tolerant of what?

JEN
My Cloacca.

TIM
What's one of those?.

JEN
It's an integrated organ combining the roles of genitalia, eating and excretion.
Common to some breeds of jelly fish and chickens albeit there's isn't used in consumption.

TIM
Erm but you've got a mouth.

JEN
Purely decorative and speaking. I think it's something to do with my great,great, great grandfather being a squid. At least according to heritage.com he was.

TIM
Amazing what you find on heritage.com isn't it? So erm how are those monthly marketing returns going.

JEN
No need to be awkward, your sweet.

THE WAITER ARRIVES WITH A LARGE PLATE OF SPAGHETTI

JEN
Shall we share? Don't worry I'll pretend to eat with my mouth.

TIM
Ok, I mean you are way out of my league so what the hell.

JEN CAREFULLY SLIDES ONE STRAND OF SPAGHETTI UNDER HER SKIRT AND SEXILY TOYS WITH THE OTHER AS IF EATING IT. THE SPAGHETTI IS SLOWLY SUCKED UP HER SKIRT.

TIM NERVOUSLY STARTS TO EAT WITH A FORK.

JEN
You know my favourite Disney cartoon is Lady and the Tramp..

TIM PUTS DOWN THE FORK AND PUTS A STRAND OF SPAGHETTI IN HIS MOUTH
AND UNEASILY STARTS TO EAT, AS HE SEE'S THE SPAGHETTI DISAPEARING UP JEN'S SKIRT

hi,
Here's a dating sketch we shot earlier this year

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufC4H9KEPNk

there is another one on the YouTube channel but according to the rules I can only post one

Its my birthday on the 8th, so hope I win.

Grams soft music plays

Man 1 - I'm one of them. I'm not ashamed to admit it. (Points) You're one of them. (Points) You. (Points) You definitely are. We all suffer from the same affliction An Interest in a Disney Star or for short Aids- Not AIDs AIDs It's.... We'll just call it Miley-Cyrus-itis, okay? Thousand of people suffer from Miley-Cyrus-it is. These people live every day not having sex with Miley Cyrus. Seven billion people are in the world today and how many of them are having sex with Miley? Only a dozen or so. (Clicks fingers) One man not having sex with Miley Cyrus. (Clicks fingers) One woman not having sex with Miley Cyrus. (Clicks fingers) One man and one woman not having sex with Miley Cyrus. Together. Like in those films

MAN 1 stiffly walks over to the opposite side of the room and puts one foot on a chair to indicate his comfort, but this makes him look less comfortable.

Man 1 - (CON/T) This is a new phenomenon. Until recently people were unaware the former child star even had breasts and a vagina that was until Miley decided to show them to us every day - a simpler time. But you can help, for a mere twenty five pound fifty seven a month we can provide all sufferers with the tools they need to move forward; a short blonde wig and some Austin Powers teeth to dress their dates up as Miley. Make a pledge. Make a difference.

WOMAN 1 enters wearing the wig and the teeth

Woman 1 - This is a weird first date. I mean I understand the bowling shoes but why all this?

Man 1 -Health and safety gone made. But don't worry you make it twerk - work!

END

We see a waiter standing over a really scruffy fat man and a stunning looking woman who are reading the menu at a candle lit table in an up market restaurant

MAN

"It's six quid just for the f**king chips"

WOMAN

"If you like I could pay?, I earn so much more than you"

MAN

"Oh I see just because you're super model and I'm a f**king rat catcher"

WOMAN

"Our jobs aren't important, I asked you out remember"

MAN

"Ok I'll have two lobsters and a bottle of the Egon Muller-Scharzhof Scharzhofberger Riesling Trockenbeerenauslese"

WAITER

"Excellent choice sir"

MAN

"At seven grand a bottle it should be"

WOMAN

"We should eat this in our room, I adore eating lobster naked"

The waiters eyebrows arch like two cats seeing a pitbull

MAN

"Are you f**king kidding the match is the big screen in the bar, I'm not watching it on a f**king small screen in the room"

WOMAN

"Whatever you say dear, I would hate to ruin our first date"

MAN

"I should hope not, why don't you get a soup and take up to the room and see if you keep yourself busy and I'll have my lobsters in the bar while I watch the match"

WOMAN

"Of course dear, it will give me time to slip into something I bought from Victoria's Secret, it's called 'Beyond Adult Indulgence'

MAN

"Wear what you want, I don't know what time the bar closes but I'll be up then"

The woman slinks out the restaurant as all eyes watch her glide.

The man then speaks to the waiter

MAN

"Can you bring the Lobsters and the wine through to the bar for me mate, I'm just going the bog"

WAITER

"Sir I could get sacked for asking this, but how the hell did you get a woman like her?"

MAN

"I get dates by word of mouth, I've porked most of her friends and they recommended me"

WAITER

"You must be one hell of a lover"

MAN

"Not really I just lie back and leave it to them"

WAITER

"My god, that's amazing, your the biggest slob I have ever met and you treat women like dirt, is that the secret?"

MAN

"Either that or the fact that I've got a 14 inch cock"

EXT. DAY.

PARK BENCH.

BIRDS CHIRPING. THE WIND SOFTLY RUSTLES THE LEAVES OF THE TREES. A GIRL IN HER TWENTIES (KATE) SITS. A STRANGE MAN WITH AN UNUSUAL ACCENT (DAKO) JOINS HER.

DAKO:Hi.

KATE:Hi.

DAKO:This spot is beautiful around this time of the evening. The way the green of the trees slowly melds into the white of the sky. It's as if all of nature is in complete harmony.

KATE:Yes. I often come up here after a stressful day or when I need to get away from the hustle and bustle of the city.

DAKO:Yes. I often come up here- [STOPS ABRUPTLY].
You look like the type of person who would be into the arts. Art, artistry, artist, artiste, artillery....

KATE:I work in finance.

DAKO:I knew it! The moment you sat down I said to myself this girl, this girl here works in the financial sector.

KATE:The moment I sat down? I was here ten minutes before you arrived and you said I work in the arts.

DAKO:No I just said you work in the financial sector. Sometime in the past I may have mentioned in passing that you work in the area of arts but that was a hasty analysis. I do, however see a glint of artiness in your eye.

KATE:Well I would love to be a writer if I'm honest. I have written a series of short stories for children but I have never really done anything with them.

DAKO:Ah ha! I knew it! From the moment you said that just now I said to myself, I said she's into writing short stories for kids. Forgive me for being blunt but have you ever sat on a wolfs back underwater?

KATE:Am what? N-no I can't say I have.

DAKO:Really? That surprises me. There's nothing more invigorating than gripping tightly onto the mane of a big wild dog as he traverses the riverbed, taking in all the beautiful murkiness that the river has to offer and then getting pumped out on the other side.

KATE:That's not something that would appeal to me on any level whatsoever. It seems more like a quite horrific sequence of events.

DAKO:Really? That surprises me. I thought someone with such a financial background would be all for riding a wolf.

KATE:I'm afraid you have got it wrong. Now I really would like to get back to staring into the abyss.

DAKOf course, I do apologise.......I licked the abyss once you know?

KATE:What?

DAKO:The closest anyone has ever come to journeying into the dark realm, the deep pool of nothingness. I thought someone of your staring ability would know more of the abyss.

KATE:I suppose I do work in finance.

DAKO LETS OUT A BRIEF YELP OF A LAUGH.

DAKO:Yes, finance, very good but it's a common misconception. The sky isn't actually white. It's just the reflection of the water through the trees that makes it look white. The three elements water, sky and tree working in complete harmony. Wonderful!

KATE:I'm pretty sure that's not how it works.

DAKOh I know that. We're missing the abyss but aaaaaany second nowwwww..............

HUGE SUCTION SOUND. SCREEN GOES BLACK.
END.

A WELL-DRESSED COUPLE IN THEIR LATE TWENTIES ARE SEATED IN A DIMLY LIT BOUTIQUE STYLE RESTAURANT.

QUENTIN: Well, what do you think? I promised you something different.

FLORA: Honestly? I'm Not really impressed. If you intend to hear the rusty trumpet played tonight I'm afraid you will have to do a lot better than this.

QUENTIN: Look it's really exclusive. I had to use all my contacts and call in some major favours just to get a booking.

FLORA: (LOOKING AROUND) Well it doesn't look like much.

QUENTIN: The hippest places never do. Apparently it's all about the food, check out the Menu...

FLORA: (OPENS A MENU AND READS ALOUD) Indian, Mexican, Thai, Jamaican, French ... It's just a list of the cuisine of different Nations. Not only have I eaten all of these I've visited most of them!

QUENTIN: (LEANING FORWARD) Not Nations Flora...Nationals...

FLORA: Nationals?

QUENTIN: (EXCITED) Yes.

FLORA: It's a Cannibal restaurant?

QUENTIN: Yes! I know how hard you are hard to impress...

FLORA: Oh Quentin, you sneaky bastard. That explains the name 'Hannibals'.

A WAITER APPROACHES.

WAITER: Good evening are you ready to order?

QUENTIN: It's our first time, what do you recommend?

WAITER: Well the Shepherd's pie is always popular, made with local Shepherds. The carpaccio'd Italian is a favourite of mine but he is served raw of course. And todays specials are hand jerked Jamaican or our special recipe Southern fried American.

THERE IS A SUDDEN SCREAM FROM A WOMAN ON A NEARBY TABLE

WOMAN: This is still frozen! (THERE IS AN ESKIMO STILL IN HIS FURS SPREAD ACROSS HER TABLE)

WAITER: (TO QUENTIN & FLORA) Excuse me. (HE TURNS TO THE WOMAN) That dish is always served 'blue' madam. (TURNING BACK TO QUENTIN & FLORA) Some of the people we get in here, really, so uncultured.

QUENTIN: I think I'll try the Jamaican.

FLORA: And I'll have the...

THERE IS THE SOUND OF A LOUD CRASH AND RAISED VOICES COMING FROM THE KITCHEN. THE KITCHEN DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN AND A NAKED JAMAICAN RUNS THROUGH THE RESTAURANT AND OUT THE FRONT DOOR.

WAITER: Sorry the Jamaican's off.

QUENTIN: What a pity, I'll just have the Frogs Legs with French Fries.

FLORA: And I'll have the Ploughman's lunch box, without the testicles though, I have a terrible nut allergy.

WEBSITE CHAT ROOM MAN AND WOMAN CHATTING.

Woman: So what brings you to this chat room then?

Man: I'm looking for a relationship to be honest

Woman: Oh right, and what type of woman are you looking for?

Man: Somebody just like my mother.

Woman: Ew that is sick

Man: So was my mother

Woman: I don't think I like where this conversation is going.

Man: Oh no it is nothing like that, my mother was sick she died 3 years ago.

Woman: Sorry to hear that.

LONG PAUSE

Man: Are you still there?

Woman: Yes still here, but I think you are sad and I don't think you should be in chat rooms.

Man: There's no need to call me names, I might be lonely but I am certainly not sad.

Woman: No I meant your upset about your mum being sick and all.

Man: Oh yes sorry I mentioned that, you must think I'm a right weirdo

Woman: Well I did at first but you seem ok, and you haven't asked me how big my boobs are so you must be half decent.

Man: Only half?

Woman: You are a man after all, and for all I know your trousers might be around your ankles.

Man: Oh no as far as my clothes are concerned I am fully decent

Woman: So how long have you been single?

Man: Ever since my mother died. 3 years this November

Woman: How come?

Man: I had a tough time when mum passed away and it affected my relationship, and we split up.

Woman: Aww that is sad, how long were you together for?

Man: 2 years, not very long really. What about you? How long have you been single?

Woman: too long.

Man: Have you got a webcam?

Woman: That's a bit forward, are you sure you are not one of them weirdos?

Man: No I just thought it would be nice to see each other as we are chatting

Woman: I don't know, we haven't been talking that long yet for me to get to know you.

Man: It's ok you can trust me, and I won't do anything naughty, not with my mother sitting next to me anyway.

WOMAN DISCONNECTS CHAT END.

A MAN AND WOMAN MEET, DECIDE THEY LIKE THE LOOK OF EACH OTHER AND HEAD STRAIGHT FOR BED. THEY LIE TOGETHER AFTERWARDS

MAN:You seemed a bit...I dunno...you know...during...was it all ok for you?

WOMAN:Yeah, of course.

MAN:It's just I got a sense there might be something wrong.

WOMAN:Wrong? What makes you think that?

MAN:Well for starters, you had a sort of look on your face when I flapped the wings that reminded me of that famous painting...you know, 'The Scream'.

WOMAN:I find my ornithophobia usually renders me rooted to the spot in abject fear when confronted with fluttering feathers bearing down on me...but it was fine, really.

MAN:And then when I pointed my arrow at you, it was like that scene in Alien when the monster is trying to break out.

WOMAN:Trypanophobia ...anything bigger than a drawing pin and I require nothing less than pre-med followed by full anaesthesia ....but you weren't to know.

MAN:And then there was that strange little squeak you gave at the end...

WOMAN:You mean when your wig flew off? That was...

MAN:Your maliaphobia kicking in? I understand, though what there is to fear in a swarm of golden curls I'll never know.

WOMAN:No, that was when it dawned on me that what I thought was 'Cheer Up Hook Up' was actually 'Cherub Hook Up'...I really must do something about my fear of opticians.

I tried computer dating, but I don't find computers attractive.

Good group, ultimately Sootyj.