Hi all, you may have worked out by now that my job is very boring; at least until they make me redundant sometime over the next two years. So here's another short sketch for your perusal, hope you enjoy.
Int: Scene begins in a military office with an officer sat behind a desk and a private standing to attention on other side of desk.
Officer:
At ease Atkins.
(Atkins stands at ease)
Officer:
You're well aware of why you're here Atkins. It's to discuss a grave matter that, as far as we know, has never raised its ugly head in the British army. Cannibalism Atkins. What do you have to say for yourself?
Atkins:
Sir, it was completely unavoidable sir. It was either that or...it's hard to go on sir, the memories sir.
Officer:
I have here your diary of events.
(opens book and begins to leaf through)
'Day three. Weather conditions have worsened considerably, not sure what we'll do if it gets much worse'
Yet according to our records, the weather report for the region you were in says that it went from being dry and sunny to slightly overcast.
Atkins:
Sir, it looked like it could rain at any time sir.
Captain:
(still looking through diary)
'Day 7. So hungry; the pain is keeping me awake at nights, I don't know how much more we can take'
Yet from reports given by other members of your platoon, you had turned down third helpings of the dessert that evening because, and I quote, you thought the mandarins in the jelly 'might give you the squits'
(looks at Atkins)
(Atkins looks embarrassed)
Officer:
(sighs)
'Day 12. We've made the decision, hard as it may be, and it's Smithy I'm afraid. He won't last much longer...it'll be a blessing'
Reports conflict a little here but the general consensus is that you decided Smithy should be the one to go because he couldn't remember the entire cast from the first series of Glee and he had a bad haircut.
Anything to say Atkins?
Atkins:
(anguished)
Sir, I can't explain it, the conditions, the remoteness, it gets to you sir.
Officer:
(leans forward angrily)
You were on manoeuvres just outside of Catterick!
Atkins:
It's grim up north sir! You don't know what it was like!
Officer:
(standing, shouting)
I was in the tent next to yours Atkins!
(pauses looking at Atkins. Adjusts uniform and sits down again)
Well, the truth can never come out Atkins, what with the army in the state it is now, so we have little option but to hush it up. You will of course be dishonourably discharged. Other than that...well I'll have to see what the higher echelons decide. Dismissed Atkins.
Atkins:
(sheepishly)
Sir.
(salutes and leaves the room)
(a few seconds later the officers secretary knocks and enters)
Secretary:
Was that Atkins I saw leaving sir?
Officer:
Yes. A terrible business all round...so what's next on the agenda?
Secretary:
Well it's getting on for twelve sir so you may as well break for lunch...there's still some of Smithy going if you're interested sir?
Officer:
Ooh, bagsy a buttock if there's one available; I always thought Smithy looked tasty.
Scene end