YXY? Scene 2 - feedback please :)

hi, I recently posted my first scene for a pilot episode,thank you for all your comments, and decided to post scene 2 to see the general reaction, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy

Int: Sophie is in the flat she shares with David. Dressed in a dressing gown, she has her feet up on the settee where she's sitting trying to paint her toenails, her tongue poking out in frustration. The front door slams.

Sophie
(Accidentally swipes nail polish brush across her toes)
Oh you twat!

David enters carrying a bag of takeaway food and enters the kitchen area situated behind the settee.

David
Hello
(Puts takeaway bag on table and looks over)
What you doing?

Sophie
(Makes self-evident pose, holding up nail polish and brush)
Painting my nails

David
(Quizzical)
Why?

Sophie
Cos I'm a girl.

David
Oh right, yeah
(Turns and takes two plates from a cupboard)
Do you want Chinese, I bought plenty.

Sophie
(Enquiring as she reaches across to table for nail cleanser and pads))
Have you got chicken balls?

David
(Opening packages and depositing food onto plates)
Yeah, but the doctor says I should just keep applying the cream and it'll clear up in no time.

Sophie
(Mimes laughing and starts cleaning polish off toes)
Anyway, you're back early. Date not go well?

David
(Finishes portioning out food)
Well you know it was kind of a blind date?

Sophie
(Smiling)
Yesss...

David
(Collects cutlery from drawer and brings both food and cutlery round)
Well when I saw her for the first time I thought 'Stunner'.

Sophie
(Hurriedly puts down nail polish remover, scoots back a little to make more space and accepts proffered plate with a smile)
Thanks. Well I bet that was a nice surprise.

David
(Shaking head as he sits down, placing plate on table in front of him)
No...no, you misunderstand me. I was thinking 'Please, someone 'stun her' and I might be able to make my escape'.

Sophie
(Pulls face)
Not your type then?

David
(Pauses with forkful of food near mouth)
Well, put it this way, she looked like Brian Blessed in a dress...but not quite as effeminate.

Sophie
(Smiling mischievously)
Sounds just like your type.

David
(Pulls face)

Sophie
So you scarpered sharpish then?

David
No actually, I didn't. How shallow do you think I am that I'd do a runner just because my blind date didn't match up to what I consider to be physically ideal?
Look, she'd obviously gone to the trouble of getting ready and making the trip so it was only fair and right for me to go along with the date.

Sophie
(Nodding)
She spotted you before you could bail didn't she?

David
(Nodding)
Yup...stupid red carnation.

Sophie
(Just as she's about to take a mouthful of food)
So what happened?

David
Well we got a drink and got sat at our table. Then, after a few minutes of small talk, I used my fall-back excuse and then I'm out the door
(Makes fast hand movement)
Pssheew
(Takes a small mouthful of food and through the food says)
Oh and if anyone asks your Dad's dead.

Sophie
(Eyebrows furrowed, fork halfway to mouth)
Err yeah, thanks for reminding me. Just so you know I'm well aware that my Dad's dead, he's been dead for quite a while now.

David
(Shakes head)
No...what I mean is if some strange looking woman should turn up looking for me then I'm not available because your Dad's dead. And you should try and look a bit upset about it too.

Sophie
So how exactly did we get to this state of affairs?

David
(Puts down fork and turns towards Sophie)
Right, ok, so you're my date right?

Sophie
(Backs away a little)
That's kind of weird but...ok.

David
Ok, so (goes into date posture) Yeah, really? You like bricklaying?... that's cool...yeah, bricks are great, I mean...Hold on (touches trouser pocket) Sorry, I didn't want to spoil our date but I put it on vibrate for emergencies and it's just gone off...I better just take this.

(Takes phone out of pocket and puts it to his ear)

Hello?...OHMYGOD! YOU'RE DADS DEAD!...yeah, I'm on my way.

(Puts phone on table as he explains)

Then its apologies, money on the table for the meal and taxi fare home, promises to call later, and out the door, free as a bird.

Sophie
(Nods head)
And you've used that excuse before have you?

David
(Nodding and resuming eating)
Well not exactly like that but yeah. Remember that weekend we had in Amsterdam when we needed to leave on the Friday morning?

Sophie
(Looking contemplative)
No. I remember leaving on the Friday morning but that's about it. I don't remember anything else. Including why you have a tattoo on your left buttock that reads 'David loves Corey73' or why I can never look at an avocado without my eyes watering.

David
(Grinning)
Yeah. Well originally I wasn't able to get the Friday off so on the Thursday morning
(Mimes holding a phone to his ear)
...'What? Oh my god, you're Dad's dead!'

Sophie
That's doesn't explain why they gave you the time off, it's not like it was your dad.

David
Well they know that I'm very close to my flatmate.
(Looks embarrassed)
You're like a broth...sister to me.

Sophie
They don't actually know about what's happening now though do they?

David
No. This is all new; they don't know about...this.

Sophie
(Look concerned, smiles nervously and plays with food)
You are alright with this aren't you?

David
What? Yeah...yeah...I mean, yeah. Obviously, being honest, it's a bit strange and it's going to take some getting used to...
(Pauses, looks down at plate)
...but you're still my best mate, I still love ya. Just now you prefer walking around in a skirt instead of chasing it.
(Laughs and looks at Sophie)
And it's not like you've started drug trafficking, or you're wanted by Interpol...or you've been touching up kids.

Sophie
Like Father Brian

David
(Shocked, stares at Sophie)
WHAT!?

Sophie
Like Father Brian.

David
(Looking incredulous)
Father Brian isn't wanted by Interpol...he didn't touch up kids

Sophie
(Nodding)
Yes he did...after Sunday school.

David

(Shaking his head)
Nah, that's impossible. He never touched me.

Sophie
Well you weren't the most attractive child, maybe he didn't fancy you. Father Brian was seriously weird. C'mon, you must remember the stories that were going around about him.

David
(Thoughtful)
I remember he was quite accident prone...and unlucky. There was that time he fell off a step ladder whilst decorating naked and landed on that...you know...candle. That really is unlucky, I mean, what are the chances of that happening?

Sophie
(Eyes wide)
Yes, exactly. Just what are the odds of decorating naked and managing to impale yourself on a greased candle?

David
(Not really listening)
And didn't he cause a bit of a scene when he went on that walking holiday, slipped and fell on a goat?

Sophie
(Shaking head)
He went on a fell walking holiday and was seen slipping into a goat.

David
(Ignoring Sophie)
I was quite sad when he left. I'm sure I remember he said something like he felt he was being tested by the constant exposure and the last thing I recall was that he'd gone off to Ireland to study ladybirds.

Sophie
(Shaking her head and sighing)
He was arrested for exposing himself to Constance, Isaacs' mom, and he was last heard of going to Thailand and studying lady boys.
(Pauses while David looks on confused)
He wasn't even a real Father. He was a charlatan. His real name is Tony Maldeen and he's wanted by Interpol for drug running, fraud, robbery and bestiality...amongst other things.

David
(Still looking confused)
Well how come I don't remember all this?

Sophie
(Holds up two fingers)
Two reasons. First (ticks off first finger) It was 2006

David
(Interjects with eyebrows raised)
World cup year.

Sophie
(Nods) And second reason (ticks off second finger) Kelly Turton.

David
(Smiling as he looks into the middle distance as he reminisces)
OH...Kelly Turton. She had the most amazing, (Sophie joins in unison as David finishes sentence)
David/Sophie
Fantastic, wonderful, breasts.

David
(Looks sharply at Sophie)
How do you know?

Sophie
Remember that year? I spent a lot of time at yours, sleeping over, sharing your room? Well you have a tendency to talk in your sleep.

David
Oh right
(Looks panicked)
I didn't, like, go into any specifics while I was talking in my sleep did I?

Sophie
(Smiling, enjoying this)
What...sort of specifics mate?

David
(Looking uncomfortable)
Oh, err; you know...maybe certain acts using particular food or drinks?

Sophie
(Grinning)
Like Chocolate nesquik mate? No, you never mentioned anything like that mate

David
(Looking relieved)
Right, good.
(The penny drops and he shoots a glance at Sophie who quickly looks down at her plate grinning from ear to ear)
Scene end

I liked this. I found the relationship between the two of them charming, and the characters are likeable and believable - (altho what do I know?)

I thought the dead dad joke bit was great, I liked the amsterdam bit and the dreaming/milkshake bit too. Nice.

I think you could tighten up or make funnier: the 'red carnation' - I dunno what the modern equivalent would be but I don't think people do that now. The tattoo too -there's potential for something stronger.

I'd also take out the line 'maybe he didn't fancy you' about Father Brian - but that's being picky possibly. It is funny enough to say, 'well you weren't the most attractive child...'

I'd like to see more. I especially liked the ;You're like a brother...sister to me' line. I guess to up the ante a bit more, you could make David more of a Dave, a very football loving, ball scratching, type. Alternatively, you could have Sophie a real new feminist - so refuses to be called 'girl' but insists on 'woman', etc.

But anyway, I liked it. Very zeitgeisty.

hi BigTed, thanks for your feedback, I'm glad you think the characters were likeable
I agree with you about the blid date and carnation lines, will have a think and reword or add a few lines to make that more plausible or realistic, thanks again for your input

Hi Charley

I have read both scenes now and agree with everyone else in that the you do have a good way with dialogue and bringing the characters to life with a certain charm, which makes these things easier and enjoyable to read.
However what you are lacking here as far as I can see is a plot. These two scenes could well have been from different episodes and couldn't see where the story was going? In the first scene I thought it might be about a love interest with the postman and some confusion caused by Grans online dating. Then the second scene was completely unrelated and had even less indication of what was going on with just some chit chat about a date and a priest. Each scene of a sitcom really should be a springboard to the next and these scenes seem to stand alone. It maybe that all these things (Postman, Gran online dating, David's Date and the pervy priest from their past ) all come together and if they do I would love to read the rest of this episode.
As I said it was enjoyable to read and I think the idea is one worth persevering with .

hi Matty, thanks for your feedback and I've tried listening to that of yourself, Jennie, BigTed and others who have been kind enough to comment and have rewritten scenes 1 and 2 with a few minor changes that have hopefully gone at least a small way to remedying the problem. I'll be posting scene 1 and 2 together if you'd like to take a look, once again all feedback is gratefully and hopefully graciously received

Strong characters, excellent dialogue and great relationships, its also funny.

This is a rare.

But it goes no where, no plot and again its two characters zig zagging dialogue.

You need to get some plot and more characters

Strong characters, excellent dialogue and great relationships, its also funny.

This is a rare.

But it goes no where, no plot and again its two characters zig zagging dialogue.

You need to get some plot and more characters

Thanks Sootyj, there are other characters in later scenes and thanks for the positives.