cene 1 int, changing room
An agitated middle aged man wearing a suit is pacing up and down in a football ground changing room, all around him sit exhausted players wearing England kits.
manager
What the bloody ell's going on out there lads, were getting our arses felt by the bloody peoples democratic republic of non entity
The assistant manager also middle aged and wears a track suit steps in.
assistant
Just look at em boss, they don't seem interested, I don't know whats wrong with em!
Camera pans to a row of players, one is gulping down a bottle of what appears to be an energy drink, the next is sipping from a vodka martini and a 3rd is about to snort a line of white powder through a rolled up bank note of a mirror which sits in his lap.
MANAGER
All I know is my arse in on the line here, were one nil down against the peoples democratic republic of non entity and we need to draw or we've f**ked it for the world cup!
ASSISTANT
We need a way to reach these lads?
MANAGER
A way to completely motivate them.
ASSISTANT
Something that will drive them on......hang on, I think Ive got an idea.
The assistant manager hold up a stapler, both men look at each other with a knowing expression.
scene 2, ext, football pitch centre circle
A referee stands over the center circle, whistle in mouth and holding a football, on one side a player from the PDRONO stands, full of energy, eager to get the 2nd half underway and the other side, the English striker stands, one hand down his shorts, cigarette hanging from his lips with a general demeanor of total disinterest, the ref goes to drop the ball when the assistant manager shouts!
ASSISTANT
hang on a minute!
The assistant manager runs to the center circle holding a football that has about a thousand pounds worth of £20 notes stapled to it, he hands it to the ref.
ASSISTANT
Sorry, we must use this new official ball of a very rich and important sponsor!
Close up of the ref face blowing his whistle.
Cut to various slow motion shots of england players reactions on noticing the new ball. One player throws down his mojto and leaps into action, another throws off his ridiculously huge headphones a 3rd spins round, flicks his cigarette, almost choking.
Cut to various slow motion shots of England players putting in real effort, making sliding tackles, jumping for headers, the keeper saving a penalty diving down low, when he smothers to ball he hugs and kisses it, has to be wrestled off it. the manager and assistant jumping up and down, fist pumping and high fives galore.
score board 1:1 as england equalise in the last minute
queue over the top celebrations, music 'we are the champions'
end.