Disclaimer: I've only just learned about this forum, so this failed NewsJack is from last weeks episode, so there's no need to complain that it isn't topical anymore. It was at the time! (loosely)
SCENE 1: INT. ED MILIBAND'S OFFICE. DAY
ALISON:Mr Miliband, you wanted to see me?
ED MILIBAND: Yes, come in Alison, come in.
ALISON:My, you look happy Ed, why are you so cheerful? Are they bringing back Balamory?
ED MILIBAND: No no Alison it's not that. It's the opinions of Britain after the Daily Mail published that foul article about my father. People are beginning to like me! The prime minister has stood up for me, countless MPs, and now the British public are supporting me, and this time it's genuine support! It feels so good. Especially considering how rude people were to me last time I was in the public eye.
ALISON:I thought the party conference was a great success Ed.
ED MILIBAND: No, not the party conference, those kids in that pirate ship on Brighton beach. They pushed me off the ship into the cold hard ground Alison, it was incredibly traumatic.
ALISON:But Ed, weren't those your own children?
ED MILIBAND: Please Alison, don't remind me. Anyway, now that I've got public support I can finally begin to cement my place in British politics as a man of the people!
ALISON:Well I'm sure your policies will have far more gravitas if you deliver them with more conviction.
ED MILIBAND: Policies? No Alison. I'm going to focus on my Twitter game.
ALISON:Your Twitter game? Are you sure that's wise Ed?
ED MILIBAND: Of course it's wise. Look at all the people on twitter who are at the top of their game: Mr T, Dappy from N-Dubz, Alan Sugar and the Banker from Deal or no Deal.
ALISON:Twitter Ed? I know each party leader has an account, but I don't think it's a good idea to start prioritising it over your policies.
ED MILIBAND: No, it'll be fine Alison. Look, I've already sent my first tweet in my new style, tell me what you think: "So the public have been in an outcry over the recent smear about my father. I bet the Daily Mail did Nazi that coming".
ALISON:Mr Miliband, this is a bad idea.
ED MILIBAND: No Alison it's brilliant. People are really digging it. Look at how many retweets it's got, and look Private Eye are amongst them. As are Accidental Partridge. And this is only the beginning. I'm going to live tweet as well, starting with the Great British Bake Off.
ALISON:You're beginning to worry me Ed.
ED MILIBAND: But Alison, live tweeting the bake off is the perfect way for me to get the vote of the traditional Tory demographic, hashtag Soggy Bottom.
ALISON:Mr Miliband! No one wants to hear about your soggy bottom! As your assistant I demand that you stop this madness immediately! It's going to destroy your reputation.
ED MILIBAND: You're right Alison, you're totally right. I should have thought this through. I'll get back to my regular duties.
ALISON:Well thank goodness for that.
ED MILIBAND: It's a shame really, I had a great joke that I was going to use about how Ant and Dec are always on our TV screens; you can't go a day without seeing them.
ALISON:Mr Miliband. How many times do I have to tell you? Their names are David Cameron and Nick Clegg!