First attempt at a sitcom. Feedback welcome! Page 3

Quote: steve woodward @ October 18 2013, 11:34 AM BST

but I wanted to get an overall appraisal of people who know what they are talking about first

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Then you've come to the wrong place.

To be honest, I read a little bit but not it all - due to time pressure. I think the concept is quite good. I don't really think Father Ted - more Sister Act. Sister Act is one of the best films ever ever ever. Fact. But it is a film, not a sitcom.

I think the issue I have is with your introduction bit.

Firstly, it's unnecessary. You don't need to introduce your characters or theme to me - they should be evident in the script.

Secondly, you tell me that "the first episode sees a small time crook take refuge from the police in a monastery". This rings alarm bells for me, because it feels like a 'set up' episode. It is showing how and why these characters came to be together, but it does not show me what your sitcom will be like on a week by week basis. I want to see a typical episode - and commissioners will want the same.

Thirdly, you say that the 'overriding theme to the 1st series is Phil's integration to the monastery and his journey from villain to decent human being.'

God, I hope not. Please don't make him a decent human being. Decent human beings are boring. Please don't send him on a 'journey', leave that to the X Factor contestants and films like Sister Act. Not in a sitcom.

Also - what you have described isn't a theme. It is a story arc. A theme is something like 'redemption' 'friendship' 'love conquers all.'

My final slight concern is how relevant a sitcom about a monastery is to a 21st century audience.

However, you received praise from Sooty, who seems to have read it all the way through. I respect his opinion and he isn't known for mincing his words, so you must be doing something right.

Steve, in answer to your question, yes, I read it all the way to the end. I think it was me that mentioned Father Ted but it was the nature of the premise I was referring to which seemed to to boil down to someone who is only interested in feathering their own nest living in among a group of religious colleagues. All I would suggest is that you satisfy yourself that it's a different enough premise before you embark on a second draft.

Thanks Jennie, I take your point. I can't think of a single sitcom where the characters change and as you say, the comedy comes from the fact he's a fish out of water. I did want an opening scene showing Phil on the outside as I want the audience to know why he is there. rightly or wrongly.

Steve, I will have to research Father Ted as like I say, I've only seen one episode so I take your word for it that its in similar vain.

Quote: steve woodward @ October 18 2013, 2:55 PM BST

Steve, I will have to research Father Ted as like I say, I've only seen one episode so I take your word for it that its in similar vain.

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Don't take my word for it! You mentioned you'd tried it and it wasn't your cup of tea and neither is it mine. I've tried a couple of episodes and not got on with it but your set up, to me, seemed like it might be similar. I appreciate you say any similarity is coincidence, I wrote something that was compared to Green Green Grass, which I'd never even heard of. I got the DVD, watched it, again, not my cup of tea, and went back to the producer and said what's your problem? He said it was the premise only that was, in his view, too similar and needed to change. I had a woman moving out of London to take on a farm in the country. Green Green Grass is a family moves out of London to escape a gang of criminals and moves to the country. Or something like that. Not very similar in my view but in my experience, similar enough for it to be a problem.
I just wanted you to be sure you were doing something original enough before you invested more time and energy in it.

Quote: steve by any other name @ October 18 2013, 3:21 PM BST

went back to the producer and said what's your problem?

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I've done that a few times!

Your first scene has some good jokes (and one about tools) but the problem is that all the comedy comes from the fact that they are inept criminals who are categorically not doing a crime.

I think your idea of a set-up scene showing the main character running from the police is good, but at the moment it makes no sense, because he's clearly harmless. Now, if there were some way to develop what we have to show that there was a mix-up and the police were never after him it woudl make every day he feels he has to spend in this awkward environment funnier for the viewer.

I disagree with the claim that a monastery is C21 enough - frankly, the fact that just about nobody has a cocking clue what goes on in a monstery is what makes it a good venue - and if the cliche is true that sit coms are always about families, what could be more perfect than a bunch of brothers?

I do agree with Jennie, though, all that intro stuff in your script is pointless or detrimental. I personally think the "story arc" of the "developing character" is the worst blight on modern comedy.

I only read what you posted on here too so I didn't know the premise, which if memory serves is similar to Nuns On The Run ,butthat's a film not a sitcom. Still maybe worth watching to see how they set it up etc

From what I read I can see the comedy is there. You have the straight man vs the funny man. I like the mars bar/diabetes part of the scene but the direction confusion part was a bit, it had no punch for the lines of space it took up.

I like the premise. I'd be interested in something set in a monastery. Monasteries are funny, no? I also think you might consider starting it from scene 2 - his arrival, and then reveal what kind of person he is more slowly.
I like the 'fish out of water'-ness of it, but, as others have said, the comedy works better if he stays out of water rather than undergoes a change.