Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ October 18 2013, 10:09 AM BSTNothing that has been written is insulting, it is all honest and good critique.
Someone saying they wrote better stuff in primary school is insulting Stephen. May I refer you to an online dictionary?
I respectfully beg to differ.
Didn't Beethoven write twinkle twinkle at the age of 5 etc etc.
We cannot know the quality of his primary school writings at this point.
Who gives a shit about the quality of his writings aged five. His INTENDED meaning was that it was primary school humour. This is what we call an insult. He probably meant no harm by it, it is easy to come across as smug and self important on forums sometimes, whey even myself has been accused of such sometimes, but as Bush and Cameron often say, make no mistake... it was an insulting comment. 
Ok striaght off the bat this is good, you've got a heck of a lot very right. Strong characters, strong situation and comedy coming from both.
The language is economic and naturalistic and you've got jokes.
So far so good.
Now for the bad. The first joke about the tools is a bit realistic and as it's pretty much the first thing that's said it wrong foots the reader.
You can use it but, you need to build it in a bit more.
e.g
Got the tools
Yeh Spade, trowel and rake.
You muppet how are we gonna rob a jewellers with that lot? Threaten to rake them?
A jewellers oops, I thought we were stealing spuds from the allotment.
Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ October 18 2013, 10:24 AM BSTDidn't Beethoven write twinkle twinkle at the age of 5 etc etc.
You need to write characters and stick with them, who they are and how they speak. Crowbarring weaker material never really works.
Like I say, I agree with the critique on the opening scene. This is the one that is going to decide weather the reader will bother to carry on reading and the tools "gag" alone seems to have turned most people off, any commissioner will move straight onto the next one. This will be re written but does need a scene with Phil on the outside because of what we wanted to do with the longer term vision and reintroducing these characters as the series progressed. Maybe a reservoir dogs scenario where Phil escapes from his captors?...
Out of curiosity, and I understand if you didn't, did anyone read beyond the first scene?
I will be honest and say that I didn't Steve. To critique something properly takes a bit of work, actually a lot of work sometimes. And it didn't pull me in.. for the reasons I outlined above.
Marc P - The suggestion it is to Father Ted baffled me slightly as well since I think I have only ever seen 1 episode and didn't care for it too much - although I am reliably informed by everyone to give it another go. If it is Father Ted then it is a very big coincidence.
Thanks for the honestly Marc, tiss a shame, perhaps the biggest mistake was putting up the opening/weakest scene.
Its not a mistake at all, the purpose of critique is to get helpful feedback and advice. A lot of sitcoms have a really stupid character.. it's not just Father Ted.. it's a bit of a genre staple, so don't worry about that. Picture your opening scene with Trigger and Del Boy and you will see what I mean. You just have to establish those characters and define them first is all.
Quote: Marc P @ October 18 2013, 11:14 AM BSTIts not a mistake at all, the purpose of critique is to get helpful feedback and advice. A lot of sitcoms have a really stupid character.. it's not just Father Ted.. it's a bit of a genre staple, so don't worry about that. Picture your opening scene with Trigger and Del Boy and you will see what I mean. You just have to establish those characters and define them first is all.
Its a mistake in that things like structure, flow, overall funnies, character definition, longevity are missed because of one scene and no one carries on reading. This is how it will be with commissioners of course but I wanted to get an overall appraisal of people who know what they are talking about first o it can be as tight a possible before it goes off.
You can't build a house on soggy ground Steve. Nobody will get structure flow or funnies without it being sound from the get go. Commissioners won't read your script by the way before it goes through a lot of other people first. The first person to read your script, if you can get it read, is a lowly person with lots of scripts to read and is genuinely looking to reject them at the earliest opportunity. Turn up to meet the woman of your dreams in grimy clothes, unshaven and with bad breath... and trust me she is not going to give you the chance to show how funny you can be over the first course!
I knew that was the reason I am still single!
I take your point. Will re-write imminently...
I wrote a sitcom about a frog when I was at primary school. Here's an extract.
FROG:
Give me a kiss and I'll turn into a handsome prince.
PRINCESS:
OK, but no tongues.