MAN (MORTON SNEED) WELL DRESSED IN BLACK SUIT AND TOP HAT RUMBLES INTO TOWN WAVING WHIP WHILST SITTING ON SMALL CARRIAGE. PAN OUT TO REVEAL THAT THE CARRIAGE IS STRAPPED ONTO HIM AND HE IS SNAPPING THE WHIP FOR NO APPARENT REASON AS HE TROTS BRISKLY ALONG.
MORTON: (SNAPPING WHIP)
Haa!! On you go! Haa! Haa!! No time to waste. The people need new hats. Haaa!!
SCENE 2.
MORTON STANDS IN FRONT OF HIS CARRIAGE WITH HEADGEAR OF VARIOUS SHAPES AND SIZES DISPLAYED. A SMALL CROWD BEGINS TO GATHER.
MORTON:
Step right up folks. Trade in your old hats and get new and improved hats, other hats and we also have hats. Free when you pay just one extra shilling.
Let's see that hat good sir.
MORTON REMOVES THE MANS HAT.
MORTON:
Good Lord! Another two weeks and your hat would have completely turned to apple juice.
HE SQUEEZES THE HAT IT TURNS TO LIQUID AND SPLASHES ONTO THE GROUND.
MORTON:
Here you are sir, a brand new hat for just a shilling. Top quality, made from 100% badger feathers.
Step up now people I'm only here for the next three minutes.
HE ADDRESSES A SECOND PERSON.
MORTON:
Why am I suddenly feeling so down? Oh my now, it's your hat - it's full of guilt. That hat is as guilty as sin, it's dragging you down. Look at this new hat it's free as a bird - it is a bird.
A BIRD FLIES OUT OF HIS HANDS.
MORTON: (CNTD)
This is also free as a bird but it's a hat, a hat to lift you - not in flight but moodwise. For just one shilling? Can you believe it - I can't believe it. I just asked myself if I can believe it and I can't. We've got them all here folks, hats from every corner of my carriage. Lost hats, ancient hat, mysterious hats, hats for gnats, sliced hats...
MORTON BEGINS SWAPPING OUT A ROW OF PEOPLES HATS IN QUICK SUCCESSION.
MORTON:
You sir can only make sense on every seventh word - here's a hat with an anti-gibberish band; You look like a cat - Persian hat; I feel your name is unpronounceable - a woootanulkatapap hat.
A TALL MAN WITH A HUGE HAT APPEARS FROM NOWHERE.
TALL MAN:
And what of my hat? What do you make of that?
MORTON: (SHOCKED)
Oh my God! A-a Dublik Pilton! Fashioned many years ago by the ancient druids there were only five ever made. The druids scattered them to the four winds and one extra wind. It is said that if you have in your possession all five hats an ancient map appears and reveals the mystical treasures of the druids.
TALL MAN:
Indeed. I am definitely not here to turn this crowd on you so that I can raid your carriage. I am simply here to highlight to these good, fine, beautif- no, honest people that you have tricked them.
HE ADDRESSES THE CROWD.
TALL MAN:
I mean a hat made from badger feathers? Come on! Everyone knows that badger feathers can't be used to make hats. Anti gibberish hats; hats turning to apple juice. This mad is a trickster who has tricked you with his tricks.
THE CROWD STRIDE OMINOUSLY TOWARDS MORTON.
MORTON:
That is simply not the case. I am an honest man who simply swaps out believable hats for unbelievable ones at a minimum profit. If I tricked you like this tall man suggests I actually did not trick you at all. So there!
THE CROWD EDGE CLOSER.
MORTON:
Ah, oh God! Look, look at this tall mans waistcoat its from the ah lets see... from the fabled Crun of Malcoon. The waistcoat gives you the power of am...nine swans and the ears of an am...an elk. If worn correctly I promise you you will never soil yourself ever again.
THE CROWD TURN ON THE TALL MAN, KNOCK HIM TO THE GROUND AND BEGIN TO REMOVE HIS WAISTCOAT.
MORTON CASUALLY SWIPES THE TALL MANS HAT AND SETS OFF SNAPPING THE WHIP AS BEFORE.
THE MAN WHO CAN ONLY SPEAK EVERY SEVENTH WORD CORRECTLY WEARS THE ANTI-GIBBERISH HAT THAT MORTON GAVE HIM. HE SHOUTS AFTER MORTON.
SEVENTH WORD:
Don't worry Morton we'll keep him under wraps for you. Thank you so much for all your help. Morton Sneed is our saviour!
HE THROWS HIS HAT INTO THE AIR IN TRIUMPH.
MORTON STOPS AND TURNS TO SEVENTH MAN.
MORTON:
I'm sorry, what did you say?
SEVENTH WORD (WITH HAT REMOVED):
Clee balpaa gurgagur malpeek croogen sasaak under faflup gangulp!
MORTON HAS A LOOK OF UTTER CONFUSION.
MORTON:
Yes. Good for you.
HE TURNS AND RUNS INTO THE DISTANCE SNAPPING THE WHIP ALL THE TIME.
MORTON:
Haa! On we go! One Dublik Pilton left to find! Haa! Haa!
MORTON DISAPPEARS OVER THE HORIZON.
END.
