THE HISTORY OF OPEN LETTERS
JUSTIN:I've always been a fan of open letters - it's because I hate licking envelopes. So it seems does Sinead O' Connor who recently sent three open letters to Miley Cyrus about her risqué performances that make Madonna look like a nun by comparison - and I don't mean the gyrating kind with pointy brass nipples whipping a man in a leather thong and a dog collar. For a historical perspective on the role of open letters, we turn to Professor of Language and Communication, Sally Durkins.
SALLY:Hallo Justin.
JUSTIN:How long have open letters been around?
SALLY:Very long indeed, Justin. Open letters have been around since... well... letters.
JUSTIN:And where would you rank these recent letters in terms of overall importance?
SALLY:Considering the long history of open letters, from Martin Luther nailing one to a church door ushering in the Reformation, to Siegfried Sassoon denouncing the futility of the Great War, we can say the letters to Miss Cyrus are safe at the number one spot for now, but they could be upstaged at any moment by an open letter from the new Pontiff, which is more correctly term a...a...
JUSTIN
apal Bull?
SALLY:Give the man a chance, Justin - he's only just started. The papal encyclicals follow a hallowed tradition of open letters in the church, which traces its origin to Biblical times. Think of the Letters from David to Joab, Peter to the Ephesians, and Stan to the Sandalmakers, a damning exposé of their ungodly monopolist price fixing practices.
JUSTIN:I don't remember that last one being in the Bible?
SALLY:Which only goes to show how powerful the sandal lobby was.
JUSTIN:Now I must ask you why you brought a satchel of rocks to the studio?
SALLY:These aren't just any old rocks.
F/X: ROCKS BEING DUMPED OUT.
SALLY:These crudely etched stones found in a prehistoric cave dwelling were the rudimentary tabloids of their time, and contain what I believe to be the first ever open letter, written to one of their leaders, (HORRIFIC HACKING).
JUSTIN:Are you alright?
SALLY:I'm fine. That's our best guess for how the leader's name was pronounced
JUSTIN:What does this open letter to (ATTEMPTED HORRIFIC HACKING) say?
SALLY:"You make good fire. Like pledge to find more furs." He must have been standing for some crude form of election.
JUSTIN:Remarkable. And what about this one?
SALLY:It looks like the Editorial Page. Most of it is illegible but I can just about make out the headline: "Your policies stink like guano and your father hated this cave".
END
