INTROThis week it was revealed that Liam Fox claimed 3 pence of taxpayers money for a 100m long car ride. Can't say I blame him, I'd do anything for a ride in a 100m-long car.
FX Knock Knock
ADAMMiss Crompton from public accounts to see you, Liam.
LIAMThank you, Penelope. Show them in.
SUSANAh Mr Fox, I need to talk with you about these petty expense claims you've been putting in.
LIAMYou'd better stay and take notes, Penelope.
ADAMCertainly.
LIAMWhich years expenses are we talking about?
SUSANI really want to discuss general principles but it's last years claims that have highlighted an issue.
LIAMOh they're in the filing cabinet over there. I'll just get them.
FX car door closing
LIAM(makes car noises) Vroom Vroom brrrrum brrrrrummm. And handbrake on.
FX car door opening
LIAM10 feet, Penelope.
FX Adam typing and a till printer going (as a receipt is printed out)
ADAMJust a penny.
FX filing cabinet opening/closing and then car door closing
LIAM(car noises again) Vroom Vroom. Oops tricky bit here. Need to make a U-turn - good job I'm a politician.
SUSANI don't believe this. Mr Fox! What are you doing?
LIAMPlease don't distract me whilst I'm driving. (car noises again) Brummm. Beep Beeep! MP coming through on important business! Brrrum brrrum. 14 feet, Penelope.
FX Adam creating another till receipt
ADAMAnother penny.
FX car door opening
SUSANYou're really expecting expenses for a pedal car?
LIAMDon't worry I only use it for government business.
SUSANYou can't claim a penny everytime you go 10 feet in your own office.
LIAMWell you don't want me to be out of pocket for serving the nation do you?
SUSANOf course not.
LIAMGood. I've always said "look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves". Speaking of pounds - how much do you weigh?
SUSANIt's not really your business, but about 10 stone 8.
ADAMHmmm 5 pence (starts making another receipt)
SUSANFor what?
LIAMWear and tear on the chair.
SUSANThat's ridiculous - you're taking the mickey, trying to milk the system.
LIAMOh no it's all by the book. And I save where I can. Take Penelope here. She's an absolute bargain - works for practically nothing.
SUSANPenelope's clearly just your friend Adam Werritty in a dress.
LIAMReally? I hadn't noticed.
ADAMSorry, Liam. I thought you knew.
LIAMBut didn't we..?
ADAMTwice. That's why I thought you knew.
LIAMWell she's still a real bargain.
SUSANI'm astonished. You really are fox by name, fox by nature.
LIAMYes. I'm bright eyed, cunning and sexy.
SUSANI actually meant you're a pest, opportunistic and, if you could get away with it, I'm sure you'd eat babies. Anyway, I can see we're not really getting anywhere today so I'll just say cut out the frivolous claims and I'll be going.
LIAMBy the door?
SUSANOf course - it's the only way out.
FX Car door closing
LIAMHop in. I'm going that way. Vrooom Vroooom. Don't forget your seatbelt.
END
