NJ: The RE Teacher

INTROOfsted have criticised religious education in schools, noting that more schools offer classes in modern dance than RE. So it's not just God who moves in mysterious ways.

FX KNOCK KNOCK & DOOR OPENING

THOMPSONYou wanted to see me, Head mistress?

HEADAh Thompson, do sit down. I've had complaints about your classes.

THOMPSON23 years teaching physics and I've never had a complaint.

HEADNot physics. Your RE classes. The parents aren't pleased. Ofstead aren't pleased. I'm not pleased.

THOMPSONWell I never wanted to teach RE.

HEADYou volunteered for the post.

THOMPSONI did not. You walked into the staffroom, asked for volunteers and I said "God! Is this what it's come to?" I wasn't volunteering or calling for divine guidance.

HEADOh - weren't you? Aren't you a Christian then?

THOMPSONNo. I'm an atheist.

HEADWell there's no-one else to do it now. But I've been getting complaints that you've been making things up.

THOMPSONIsn't that what all religions do?

HEADYes - but it's generally agreed what they've made up. You're just taking liberties. For example, look at what you said about Ganesh.

THOMPSONGanesh?

HEADThe hindu God with the elephant head. The one you said packed her bags and said good bye to the circus.

THOMPSONOh yes. I was winging that one. Don't really know much about her.

HEADObviously not - for a start: she's a he. And what was that rubbish about Mohammed?

THOMPSONA misunderstanding - I thought he did run an earth moving service.

HEADWell he didn't. The mountain thing is just a saying. And all the stuff you made up about Jesus doing ridiculous magic tricks - walking on water, bringing the dead to life, cutting a lady in half...

THOMPSONI think the first two are actually in the bible.

HEADReally? (BEAT) Well it's still not good enough. You need to improve quickly or we'll have the wrath of Michael Gove brought down on us.

THOMPSONYou don't still believe in Gove do you? He's just a myth to scare teachers.

END

HEADYes - but it's generally agreed what they've made up. You're just taking liberties. For example, look at what you said about Ganesh.

THOMPSONGanesh?

HEADThe hindu God with the elephant head. The one you said packed her bags and said good bye to the circus.

THOMPSONOh yes. I was winging that one. Don't really know much about her.

HEADObviously not - for a start: she's a he..

This is a construction problem you have not solved: Ganesh is a he; Nelly is a she; if the listener has spotted this, then acknowledging it is not actually going to make the gag work retrospectively; and wrapping teh acknowledgment up into a weak follow up gag is not the answer.

The sketch takes a long time to get going:

THOMPSONYou wanted to see me, Head mistress?

HEADAh Thompson, do sit down. I've had complaints about your classes.

THOMPSON23 years teaching physics and I've never had a complaint.

HEADNot physics. Your RE classes. The parents aren't pleased. Ofstead aren't pleased. I'm not pleased.

THOMPSONWell I never wanted to teach RE.

HEADYou volunteered for the post.

THOMPSONI did not. You walked into the staffroom, asked for volunteers and I said "God! Is this what it's come to?" I wasn't volunteering or calling for divine guidance.

HEADOh - weren't you? Aren't you a Christian then?

THOMPSONNo. I'm an atheist.
.

Six lines to get to the first set up and gag, and then, unnecessarily in my view, you explain that gag.

Then you follow up with a couple more lines that are basically exposition.

Try to think how you can tighten it; there is a good sketch in here somewhere.

Quite a bit of exposition here and doesn't flow very smoothly. I think a better idea would have been the physics teacher being criticised for disproving religion with physics in his lessons.