Embarrassing Bodies of Water

NEWSJACK ENTRY

JUSTIN:According to an international review, the health of the world's oceans is deteriorating even faster than we'd previously thought. But don't take our word for it; a popular Channel Four TV program paid a visit to the coast to find out exactly what's the matter...

GRAMS:FUNKY INTRO MUSIC.

NARRATOR:This week, Doctor Christian takes the mobile clinic on the road to Newquay, Cornwall, and finds the Atlantic Ocean unwell - the threat of thermohaline circulation shutdown the least of its worries. This, and more, on: Embarrassing Bodies - of Water.

GRAMS:FUNKY INTRO MUSIC CONTINUES.

EXT. SEASHORE. DAY

F/X:BEACH ATMOS: WAVES BREAKING ON THE SHORE; PEOPLE HAVING FUN; SEAGULLS.

DR CHRISTIAN:Hey, less buff people than me! Doctor Christian, here.

FX:WOMEN SWOON AND SQWEE.

DR CHRISTIANStraining) Damn, this shirt... Really need to start buying those bigger sizes. Anyway - Atlantic Ocean, tell me what's worrying you. I've noticed one thing already.

ATLANTIC OCEANGargling Scouse Voice) As you can see, whenever me waves break on the shore, it's so embarrassing. I get this...this...

DR CHRISTIAN:Uh-huh. Frothy discharge. That is actually quite disgusting. Uh, I mean - don't worry, I've done this for years; seen it all before. I'll be honest, though; it probably is the worst case of that I've seen. Have you been polluted lately?

ATLANTIC OCEANGargling) When have I not. And I don't know if you've had a good sniff yet, but - me water don't smell too good neither. No one'll come near me. Not even that skank - Irish Sea.

DR CHRISTIAN:Hmmm, yeah, kind of fishy. Must be all those dead ones I can see floating about. Don't worry, I can't see that being a problem for much longer. Not with all those fishermen nabbing the last of the stocks from your briny depths. There won't be any left to give you the stink! Now, let me just roll my trousers up, dip my toes in...

FX:HIS SHIRT RIPS.

DR CHRISTIAN:There goes the shirt. Won't be needing that.

FX:HE FLINGS HIS SHIRT OFF. WOMEN SQUEAL WITH DELIGHT.

DR CHRISTIAN:Easy ladies, they're just muscles.

FX:HE PADDLES IN THE SEA.

DR CHRISTIAN:Hmmm, strange. Like tepid bathwater. Can't say it's a pleasant feeling.

ATLANTIC OCEANGargling) So, what do I do?

DR CHRISTIAN:Well, I have to ask: have you been swapping fluids with Indian Ocean without taking the proper precautions? That's the most common way for this kind of sea ailment to get transmitted.

ATLANTIC OCEAN: (Gargling) No. We always practice safe mixing.

DR CHRISTIAN:Then the prognosis is not good, my friend. Probably. Just need to double-check on Wikipedia.

FX:KEYBOARD TAPS. MORE CLOTHES TEAR. WOMEN SQWEAL.

DR CHRISTIAN:There go the trousers... Right, well, if this condition continues to go untreated, what it says here is - you're looking at a mass marine extinction event. Species unable to keep pace with rises in your temperature and alkalinity, plus the barrel-loads of pollution you don't seem the least bit bothered about taking on... You'll soon find yourself an uninhabitable mass of dead water. Put that in your Gulf Stream and smoke it.

ATLANTIC OCEAN: (Gargling) There must be a treatment, though...?

DR CHRISTIANReluctant) Yes, I suppose... Wipe out mankind, including myself, blah-di-blah. Not gonna happen, mate. I mean, look at this chiselled jaw. These pecs!

HE GROANS WITH EFFORT AS HE FLEXES.

DR CHRISTIANh, well, Atlantic Ocean, old bean. It was good while it lasted. You know, all this talk of water - I really need a wee.

FX:HE WADES DEEPER INTO THE SEA.

ATLANTIC OCEANGargling) What're you doing?! I'm getting warmer!

DR CHRISTIAN:Ah, stop whining. Too late to complain, now. (Low) Plus, I really can't go while you're talking.

FXUDDENLY A MASSIVE WAVE CRASHES DOWN ONTO THE SHORE, AND DR CHRISTIAN WAILS AS HE'S SWEPT OUT TO SEA.

ATLANTIC OCEANGargling) 'Ere - how's about having a closer examination of me briny depths. He he he...

DR CHRISTIAN:I'm a TV doctor! You can't do this to meee...!

FX:HIS VOICE FADES, AS HE'S SWEPT FURTHER AND FURTHER OUT.

THE END

Its a good idea and has some nice exchanges though it does waffle on a bit and I'm not sure how 'current' ('scuse pun') it is, also it's got a lot of visual stuff in it that wouldn't work for a radio show.

Good concept, and the swipes at Dr Christian work well; but the jokes about the health of the sea, which should be the core of the sketch, are a bit all over the place, and I am not sure about the ending. I would also suggest that the sketch is too long, and with too many sound effects needed, for NJ.

Thanks for reading and taking the time to reply!

I take the point about the dialogue needing some editing to make it more punchy, while also keeping the sketch on track.
I think those sounds effects -- though written visually (that's my background in writing TV scripts coming through, I'm afraid) -- would work in the context of the sketch. Listeners have a great capacity for imagination. Though you're right -- there may be too many for a live sketch show.

Cheers

Nice idea and good first half but then loses steam (and feels too long anyway).

Also missing an intro joke though there's a place for it already:

"the health of the world's oceans is deteriorating even faster than" ... America's credit rating, or whatever

The concept is tight, I think it'll work well on the radio.

Like the line, Easy ladies, they're just muscles. Those snappy lines are the funniest and keep it short and punchy as said above.