Skit Comp 3 - 13.10.13

Thanks for a cool skitcomp and congratulations to CARLOS MANWELLY and GAPPY for winning. Please get pished as a farth and PM me with a subject apiece for next wank.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Gappy, Carlos Manwelly
1 - 5 - Sootyj, Playfull, Jakob Jensen, Tiggy, Stylee Tee Tee, Funny Ha Ha Not Funny Strange

Your new subject: SHOPPING

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 13.10.13

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 86 - Gappy
2 - 45 - Jakob Jensen
3 - 40 - Michael Monkhouse
4 - 30 - Sootyj
5 - 25 - Otterfox
6 - 10 - Shandonbelle
7 - 16 - Carlos Manwelly
8 - 1 - Funny Ha Ha Not Funny Strange
9 - 5 - Stylee Tee Tee, Tiggy, Playfull, Nick81, Stonked, 404 Not Found, Steve Sunshine

ROBOSHOP

This is written in the style of a TV sketch,

ED209 IS POINTING HIS GUNS AT SOMEONE OFF SCREEN

ED209
You have 5 seconds to comply

You have 4 seconds to comply

PULL BACK TO REVEAL PERSON IS ACTUALLY STANDING DOING THEIR SHOPPING AT A SELF SCAN TILL

PERSON
Look I put the scones back but it won't acknowledge them,

ED209
Lethal force will now be used.

ED209 BLOWS SHOPPER AWAY

WOMAN USING NORMAL TILLS LOOKS OVER

WOMAN AT TILLS
This technology it's no good not like the good old days.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL ROBOCOP IS PUTTING HER SHOPPING THROUGH

ROBOCOP
Citizen these grapes have been started, you broke the law.

WOMEN AT TILLS
Well it was only 1 or 2.

ROBOCOP BLOWS HER AWAY

ROBOCOP
Have a nice day in hell, shop lifter.

The Reason HMV went bust!

SCENE: A TYPICAL CUSTOMER TRYING TO BUY IN THE CHRISTMAS RUSH!

CASHIER:
Next!

Customer1:
Hi, I'm Looking for the new M&M album for my daughter.

CASHIER:
Do you want me to wrap it for you?

Customer1:
No, I want you to sell it to me, I'll let him do the rapping!

CASHIER:
Anything Else?

Customer1:
and I love the way you lie?

CASHIER:
Look I'm not lying we're very busy, anything else?

Customer1:
How about 50cent?

CASHIER:
I don't know, try the £1 basket!

CUSTOMER:
ok, forget that, what do you have by The Doors?

CASHIER:
Erm? That's where our security staff stand!

CUSTOMER:
No, The Group The Doors!

CASHIER:
Erm nothing!

CUSTOMER:
Nothing?

CASHIER:
Well I typed in Dor's and, nothing! Sorry I've only been here a few weeks and don't listen to much music!

CUSTOMER:
Oh, This is a disaster!

CASHIER:
I think we have that!!!!

CUSTOMER2 & Everyone else in the Queue:
Sod This it's taking to long, I'll order from Amazon!

INTERNAL - SHOP. A MAN IS STANDING INSIDE THE SHOP LOOKING AT THE TINS OF BEANS, HE PICKS ONE UP AND STUDIES IT FOR A WHILE LOOKING FOR THE PRICE BUT CANNOT FIND ONE, HE TURNS TO THE SHOPKEEPER.

Man: Excuse me mate how much is this tin of beans?

Shopkeeper: The price is on the tin.

THE MAN LOOKS AGAIN TO TRY TO FIND THE PRICE HE HAS A GOOD LOOK BUT STILL CANNOT FIND IT.

Man: This one doesn't mate. There's no price on here.

Shopkeeper: Everything in my shop has a price on it. That's the way shops work.

Man: Well there isn't one on this tin maybe you missed it out.

Shopkeeper: Impossible, everything is labeled up with a price.

SHOPKEEPER GESTURES TO THE MAN TO BRING THE TIN OVER

THE MAN WALKS OVER AND HANDS THE TIN TO THE SHOPKEEPER.

THE SHOPKEEPER HAS A QUICK LOOK AT IT AND THEN PASSES IT THROUGH THE TILL SCANNER.

THE LCD DISPLAY READS 42p

SHOPKEEPER POINTS AT THE LCD DISPLAY.

Shopkeeper: See 42p. Everything in my shop has a price on it.

END

ASSISTANT: How do you like those ones, sir?

CUSTOMER: Not bad. Bit heavy along the top, perhaps.

A: Yes, I think you're right, sir. How about this pair?

C: Oh, no, they're too...pernickety.

A: You want something a little simpler, I understand. How about these, from our designer range?

C: Yes, they're quite nice. Oh, but no, they sort of pinch behind the ears.

A: They were designed by a designer, sir.

C: They still feel funny.

A: Very well, sir. Perhaps we have something else in our designer range that might suit.

C: Oh, they're nice!

A: Which ones, sir?

C: Those, the blue ones.

A: Are you sure, sir? They're not designer, sir.

C: Yes they are. Stop saying that. All glasses are made by designers, it stands to reason.

A: Not all of them, sir. These ones over here evolved.

C: What?

A: Yes. I think once there was a primordial pool of cellulose acetate round here and a colony of spectacles sort of sprang up over time. We built the shop round it.

C: Don't be ridiculous.

A: I'm not. And those ones in the corner? They were created by chance in a freak of Brownian motion, I seem to recall; and the ones by the door were put together by a rogue computer that broke its programming. The pair you like the look of were actually made by infinite monkeys: not a designer in sight.

C: I don't care, give me those ones. Ah, yes, these are perfect. How much are they?

A: Fifteen thousand pounds, sir.

C: What?

A: Fifteen thousand pounds, sir. Plus VAT and a discretionary donation to the Save The Simian Foundation.

C: How can they possibly cost that much?

A: Like I said, sir, monkeys made these glasses. We have a rather large basement, and there really are an awful lot of them down there, bashing things together like billy-o. Sometimes they make glasses...but, inevitably, it's not that common.

C: But still, fifteen grand.

A: Think about it, sir. Designing glasses isn't that hard, is it? They are all basically the same shape. And, if you're a glasses designer by trade you can probably rattle through quite a few in a morning. So, covering all the design costs, the ones you saw earlier are about 200 pounds each. On the other hand, the cost of housing chimps in our storeroom and supplying them with enough high tensile memory titanium to chuck about wildly are pretty high. Designer really is the way to go, sir, as I advised earlier.

C: Oh, alright. I'll take the second pair.

A: Very good, sir. And would you like to pay extra for the lenses to be ground by a trained ophthalmic technician?

C: [Sigh] What's the alternative?

A: We put some glass in a stream and wait for erosion.

COCK 'N' BALLS STORY

SHOP, CUSTOMER and ASSISTANT:

CUSTOMER Hello I'd like a big fat cock please.

ASSISTANT Certainly Sir, that's the spirit! Got enough money to feed Africa, get the unemployed to work and free political prisoners? Why not spend it all doubling the diameter of your dick? A selfless gesture, no?

CUSTOMER Yes, I...

ASSISTANT (takes out catalogue) We have standard European size, Tiger Woods and equine. Ride a cock horse - she'll be riding a horse cock. Comes higher that one, but so will you. Do avoid this one, I call it Ringo Starr: It don't come easy. Comes in different colours, shame you can't... This one's the stoat: POP went the weasel... Pop star's, Moby's Dick... Sir Wankalot, very popular with teenagers. There's a child in every man, unless you're a priest, you're a man in every child... Can't sell you this - you've heard of the incense stick, this is the incest stick, just in from the Isle Of Man, and what a man. I prefer the Michael Bolton: Come dancing? I just did.

CUSTOMER Actually, I...

ASSISTANT Time for a joke Sir! What's brown and sticky?

CUSTOMER (groans) I don't know, what's brown and sticky?

ASSISTANT This 'un, the George Michael. Yabadabadoo, you'll have a gay old time... Party piece here, pisses then opens and closes the one eye: Wee Willy Winkie... This one's from an albino with diarherra: Fair do's... Another joke, Why is it lucky men don't have tits?

CUSTOMER (groans) They'd sit at home and play with them all day.

ASSISTANT Which doesn't make sense 'cos men like that sit at home and play with their knob all day anyway. And it's better 'cos you know when you've finished. But may I present 'one for the ladies' - detachable so you can go about your day while your wife has a good rub. It's like the genie if the lamp. And let's not forget one for the trannies: She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes.

CUSTOMER Look - what I want is a cock as in cockerel. I keep hens for the eggs, they need company.

ASSISTANT Oh all right. (takes cockerel from under the counter, gives it to him) Looks like eggs are the only thing that gets laid your place.

CUSTOMER Thank you. (leaves)

ASSISTANT WEIRDO!

The Shopaholic Show.

A MAN AND A WOMAN IN FORMAL CLOTHING ARE STANDING OUTSIDE A BIG HOUSE. THE MAN IS TALKING INTO A CAMERA.

BOB: Welcome to the Shopaholic Show. I'm financial adviser Bob Franks and this is my colleague Doris Parker. Today we are visiting Stan Banks who has been living the sweet life ever since he moved away from his mother's house. But his bank, family and employer is fed up with his borrowing money.

THE TWO ADVISERS RING THE BELL ON THE DOOR. A MAN IN A BLACK SUIT OPENS THE DOOR.

MAN: Welcome to Stan Banks resident, how may I help you?

DORIS: We are from the Shopaholic Show. Are you Stan Banks?

MAN: No I'm his butler Haergreeves. The master is expecting you follow me please.

THE COMPANY WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR INTO A LUXURIOUS HOUSE. FIRST THROUGH A BIG HALL WITH A PIANIST PLAYING BEETHOVEN THEN THROUGH A ROOM WITH AN INDOOR POOL WITH BIKINI MODELS SWIMMING AROUND THEN PAST A ROOM WITH A CINEMA AND THEN STOPS IN A ROOM FILLED WITH STUFFED EXOTIC ANIMALS.

BUTLER HAERGREEVES: Wait here please.

A MAN IN A FUR COAT WITH A BIG CIGAR IN HIS MOUTH AND DIAMOND RINGS ON ALL HIS FINGERS COMES DRIVING INTO THE ROOM ON A SEGWAY PT.

STAN: Hi I'm Stan. Welcome to my place, can I offer you some Magnum champagne? Beluga caviar? Or a Cuban cigar?

DORIS: No thank you. We are from the Shopaholic Show. Your mother, bank and employer wanted us to give you some financial advice. They are fed up with your reckless libertine lifestyle.

STAN: Really? How strange, I should think I'm good for the money with my job income and all.

BOB: Yes according to our information you work as a Plummer and have an income of 2500 pounds pr month and after taxes that is 1800 pounds pr month. Is that correct?

STAN: There is also a Christmas bonus of 50 pounds. Not to forget.

DORIS: Your monthly expenses with your house staff, house, car, motorcycle, boat, insurances, food and the rest, runs up till an approximately 75.000 pounds per month.

BOB: That's 73.200 pounds deficit every month. Money your family, bank and company currently covers for you.

STAN: It's that bad is it? Well when you put like that. I had the feeling my budget didn't quite add up.

BOB: We have made some calculations and in order to get your economy back on track you will have to sell everything you own and work two jobs the rest of your life.

STAN: I think you are looking at the glass half EMPTY. Try look at it half FULL. Actually I've made my own preparations for at situation like this. If you will excuse me I have a Airplane to Brazil to catch.

A MAN ENTERS A SHOP. THERE IS A MEMBER OF SATFF BEHIND THE COUNTER.

MAN: Hello, I'd like to buy some drugs please.

STAFF: What?!

MAN: I said I'd like to buy some drugs please!

STAFF: Painkillers or something?

MAN: No. Drugs. Cannabis, heroin, cocaine and so on.

STAFF: You're crazy! This is a perfectly regular law abiding shop!

MAN: Ah, yes, but this is a sketch.

STAFF: Sketch?

MAN: Yes, a comedy sketch. One of those formulaic ones where a man, me, goes into a shop and asks for something plainly ridiculous. There are always hilarious consequences, so come on then.

STAFF: Hilarious consequences?

MAN: Yup!

STAFF: Like what?

MAN: Like you could misunderstand me and talk at cross purposes, or offer me substitutions.

STAFF: Substitutions?

MAN: Yes. I could ask for some crack and you could offer me Ribena instead.

STAFF: Ribena? That's hardly like crack cocaine is it?

MAN: It's made with blackcurrants!

STAFF: No it isn't.

MAN: Um...

STAFF: Look, can't you just go away? I don't want to be in your sketch. It's not a funny idea and you obviously have no idea of a punch-line.

MAN: I do!

STAFF: Do you?

MAN: Um,...no.

STAFF: Then I suggest you leave.

MAN: Ok.

THE MAN TURNS AND LEAVES THE SHOP. WE LINGER SLIGHTLY WITH THE MEMBER OF STAFF. A TIMER ON THE COUNTER TOP BUZZES AND IS STOPPED BY THE STAFF MEMBER.

STAFF: Ah, my crystal meth is ready!

SHE WANDERS OFF AND AS SHE GOES SAYS:

STAFF: Ooh, I did a punch-line!

THE END.

MR AND MRS GRIZZLY BEAR SIT ON THE PORCH OF A PICTURESQUE LOG CABIN; THEY EAT FROM DISCARDED TAKE-AWAY CARTONS.

MR GRIZZLY:You know Scarlett, I don't think I've ever been so contented since we moved to this here house.

MRS GRIZZLY:And I've never been fatter Arnie! (she pats her rotund belly)

MR GRIZZLY:Well to me you're as lovely as the day we met down by the swings at Jellystone Park. Say, are you eating that onion bajhi?

MRS GRIZZLY:No, you have it, I'm saving myself for tomorrow night.

MR GRIZZLY:Tomorrow night?

MRS GRIZZLYizza night! You know, we must be the luckiest bears this side of Nova Scotia, Mr and Mrs Glutenburger are so good to us, putting all this food out every night for the past fifteen years...I love them soooo much.

MR GRIZZLY:Me too, though I didn't think much of that elk burger and chips last night, bit hoary.

MRS GRIZZLY:You know Arnie, I can see us swinging on this porch, egg fried rice in one hand, McFlurry in the other, 'til we go meet our maker, Grizzly Adams, in the sky.

MR GRIZZLY:Amen to that Scarlett. Gotta pee, be back in a mo.

MR GRIZZLY GOES OFF BEHIND THE CABIN AND RETURNS IN A HURRIED FLUSTER

MR GRIZZLY:Quick Scarlett, grab your things, we're moving!

MRS GRIZZLY:Whatever are you talking about Arnie? this is our home!

MR GRIZZLY:Mr and Mrs Glutenburger just gone and joined Weightwatchers.

MRS GRIZZLY: You fetch the last of that Rogan Josh while I pack.

OFFICER: Hello, crimestoppers.

CALLER: Yeah, is that crimestoppers?

OFFICER:Yes, you are through to crimestoppers. Can I help you?

CALLER: Yeah, do you pay cash rewards?

OFFICER:Well that depends. Do you have some information about a crime?

CALLER: What's your rate?

OFFICERorry I'm not sure I under...

CALLER: You know like insurance, you get so much for an arm, so much
for a leg, a bit more for an eye...

OFFICER: Do you know someone with these injuries?

CALLER: What? No. I mean do you have a rate card on what you pay out
for different crimes? You know £50 for a mugging, £100 for an
arsonist, couple of quid for a shoplifter...

OFFICER:I am sorry, it doesn't work that way. You give us your
information. Then if we get conviction as a result, we will consider
if payment of a reward might be suitable.

CALLER: Yeah, but how do I know I can trust you?

OFFICER:I'm a police officer sir.

CALLER: Yeah, but how do I know I can trust you?

OFFICERo you have information about a crime?

CALLER: Yeah.

OFFICER:What sort of crime is it?

CALLER: I'm not sure yet...

OFFICER:Are you planning to commit a crime yourself Sir?

CALLER: I might be...

OFFICER:Well why didn't you say so earlier, we have a special offer on
this week. We are paying out £50 for two burglaries and £100 for three and that
comes with just a caution.

CALLER: That sounds good. Do I get to keep the stuff as well?

OFFICER:I don't see why not, If you call in at your local station and
save us the trouble of getting the car out. Just say Crimestoppers sent you.

CALLER: Well I must say you've been most helpful.

OFFICER:Glad to be of service, and thank you for calling crimestoppers.
It's only due to people like you making the effort that our
crime clearup stats are looking so good!

Tenuous connection to shopping I know but here we go...

INT. DAY CAFE. AN ORDINARY LOOKING MAN(TIM) CASUALLY BREEZES IN AND TAKES A SEAT.

TIM:
The usual please Marjorie.

MARJORIE:
I've never seen you before in my life.

TIM:
Oh yes I forgot about that. In that case I will just have one of your finest tinfoil like ones with a shape like a spoon but they're made of metal. The ah, what do you call it?

MARJORIE(CONFUSED):
Shaped like a spoon but made of metal? A spoon?

TIM:
Exactly. Exactly a spoon.

MARJORIE:
And would you like anything with your spoon?

TIM:
What do people normally ask for?

MARJORIE:
Coffee.

TIM:
Mmm that sounds lovely. I'll have a tea please.

MARJORIE (A LITTLE CURT):
Anything else?

TIM:
Yes the reek that that thing is having.

MARJORIE:
That thing is the postman and its called a wrap.

TIM:
Yes I shall like the reek. May I ask you ninety four questions?

MARJORIE:
What do you mean?

TIM:
Question the first. Peter Tanattan?

MARJORIE:
That's not really a question.

TIM:
I see. In that case can we consummate the lunch?

MARJORIE (OFFENDED):
We certainly can not! Where are you from?

TIM GESTURES WITH HIS HANDS.

TIM:
You go and keep going and then slow down, stop and then keep going for a length of time. It's an away away.

MARJORIE:
You mean a long way away.

TIM:
Yes indeed sir an away away. Question the second: Am I shopping?

MARJORIE:
No you are buying. Your wrap will just be another minute.

TIM:
My arms are beef sometimes (CHUCKLES).

A MAN SITS AT THE COUNTER AND OBSCURES TIM'S VIEW OF MARJORIE.

TIM:
You there sir with the sit , could you move a bit? Maybe move into the future there please?

THE MAN MOVES.

TIM (TO MARJORIE):
Question the fourth: What is the wisp?

MARJORIE (CONFUSED):
The what?

TIM:
Let me put it another way, Toby Donaldson. Question the fifth-

MARJORIE INTERRUPTS.

MARJORIE:
Could you move onto question ninety four.

TIM:
Certainly. Question the fifth...

A SPACESHIP HOVERS OUTSIDE THE DOOR OF THE CAFE.

TIM:
Ah look now.

A WHITE LIGHT BEAMS TOWARDS TIM. WITH HIS EYES IN A TRANCE-LIKE STATE HE SLOWLY WALKS TOWARDS THE SHIP. HE WALKS OUT THE DOOR OF THE CAFE. HE TURNS RIGHT AND CASUALLY STROLLS DOWN THE STREET WHISTLING AS HE GOES.

END.

I'm going to vote for...

...Gappy.

Liked FunnyHaHa's but need a bit more work towards the end.

Great selection this week, especially as Newsjack is a priority. Gotta toss (any excuse), finally voting Otterfox.

Otterfox

Tiggy for me. I'm a sucker for all that deconstructed sketch business - too many formative years watching Python, Absolutely & Alexei Sayle's Stuff.