First one I have ever sent and it sunk like a bar of lead
DAVE
I've called you in here because it is now almost certain that we can expect the Argies and the Spaniards to join forces and launch some sort of two pronged attack on both Gibraltar and the Falklands within months.
CLEGG
If this is a COBRA briefing shouldn't the Army, Navy and RAF be present?.
DAVE
They're out the loop on this one Nick, I'm not going cap in hand to them. Besides, given the cuts Phil's already made he reckons they'd be hard pressed to put up a reasonable defence of the Isle of Wight!
PHIL
I don't think they'd help us anyway, there's no talking to them. I had at meeting with them last week about using Wonga to sponsor the Red Arrows and I wouldn't like to repeat their answer.
DAVE
So the floors open for suggestions
IDS
We could blame the unemployed, say their using illegal radios in their spare bedrooms to contact the Argies and betray us all.
DAVE
It won't fly Ian, we've already work shopped that one!
GOVE
What if we change the geography curriculum at our free schools and say the Falklands are really .............. I'm sorry I've got nothing.
DAVE
It's ok Michael we can hardly expect you to have any real input on this one.
Eric it's a shot in the dark but have you got anything?
PICKLES
I could ensure councils empty all bins weekly during the crisis and offer free parking badges for anyone who volunteers to fight, we could call it 'Extra Help for Heroes'
DAVE
Thanks Eric that's a start, now Theresa what have you got?
MAY
I've already started Prime Minister, I gave the order to take every second officer from border duty to put together a list of , low pay and unemployed Argentine nationals currently in the UK who we could publicly deport.
DANNY
That could be counterproductive given the delays it will cause at Heathrow and the ports, the press will murder us
MAY
If you let me finish Danny, we can blame any delays on 'Sifting' for Argie fifth columnists the media will lap it up.
DAVE
Ok it's at least taking shape, Jeremy have you got anything?
HUNT
We could fast track any casualties through casualty; make sure they're seen the same week
DAVE
Good, now what to do about the actual problem? Not to mention the costs, George have you got anything?
OSBORNE
Well believe or not I do. I was talking to our friendly tenders and they reckon they could put a pre-emptive army of around ten thousand onto the Rock within a fortnight. Their presence alone would unsettle the Spaniards and leave what's left of the real armed forces free to amble over to Port Stanley if the balloon goes up.
Mutters of approval
CABLE
The British public won't swallow that, there could be an outrage I might have to jump ship.
DAVE
Vince calm down, we get it, ok we get it, George I like the premise but the costs sound way out of our league not to mention having to explain our actions to the UN
OSBORNE
That's just it you won't have to explain anything to anyone, these people won't be armed they'll just be wearing high viz vests and milling round, everyone will just presume that they're an undercover army ready to act.
DAVE
It still sounds expensive George
OSBORNE
But it's not that's the beauty of it! First off we use the scroungers that ATOS have already declared A one so there's no medicals needed and they also qualify for travel to interview allowance. The company involved will host the interviews in Marseilles. That way the cost of transport can come out of the Benefits pot, we can call it 'Defence before dole'
Mutters of agreement
The candidates will be housed on five decent sized ships in the dock that are being held over piracy and smuggling offences. The French weren't best pleased at the idea but we offset it thanks to the amount of illegal's they can get rid of at the same time by directing them through our unguarded ports.
Mutters of agreement
Once we're ready the armada will set off in the middle of the night with the personnel already on board and fast asleep. When they wake they'll be on zero hour contracts until they land in Gibraltar so pays not an issue.
CABLE
What if the Spanish do attack what then?
OSBORNE
That's the beauty of it Vince if they do attack, in reality all they will be killing is unarmed disabled people so we get the moral high ground and they will be forced to withdraw.
All Hurraaah
DAVE
Brilliant, so now that's sorted I can thankfully get back to my latest holiday.
