1. INT. 70S LVING ROOM, WINDSCALE VILLAS, DAYTIME
In a 1970s-style living room with garish floral wallpaper, shag pile and a formless sofa. A kitchenette is just off the screen. Flying ducks are hung on the wall. There is an old TV and Betamax player on the right of the room, and a tray on top for TV dinners with a Betamax video shelf on the right. We see SHELLEY LEDWIDGE, a tall, lugubrious-looking middle-aged Brummie in a cream trench-coat.
LEDWIDGE (giving us a tour of his collection, accent half-Brummie, half-Geordie)
Hello, I'm Sheldon "Shelley" Ledwidge, I'm 55 and I'm from Redditch. Spent a bit of time on the Tyne, running a mobile video library. (Briefly pauses) Yeh, this is me collection. 55 Betamax, 665 VHS. Complete series of Auf Wiedershen, Pet on VHS, Boys From Brazil on Betamax, Texas Chainsaw Massacre II on Japanese VHS, banned here.
OFF-SCREEN BBC NARRATOR (posh)
Why do you collect tapes?
LEDWIDGE (cheerful)
Well, it began in 1980 and I was working for my Aunty Margaret at C 'n' A, and then UNCLE LES opened up a video library. And he told me to collect VHS, but I told VHS was inferior and fuzzy like Orville, and if VHS was Orville, then Betamax was Keith Harris. Betamax, it has less fuzz and better quality. My first Betamax was Death On The Nile, Thorn-EMI, 1978, like, Peter Ustinov as Pirate.
OFF-SCREEN NARRATOR (confused)
You mean Poirot?
LEDWIDGE (smiling, pointing at videos)
Yes, Pirate! But then I lost that in a bet to Uncle Moira the lesbian because she became Captain at the Golf Club. So I got my earliest surviving Betamax is the Boys in Blue, Cannon and Ball, 1982 from Rank, then Yankee Zephyr, Thorn-EMI, 1981, PinkPanther Strikes Again, Intervision, 1978...
CUT - Suddenly, a raspy-voicd balding, bespectacled man in a stripy cardigan of about sixty, REG CHRISTIE comes in.
REG CHRISTIE (OTT, dramatic, slightly posh, Yorkshire, camp)
What on God's Heath is this terrib-ley racquet? I'm listening to my James Last records with Glenda.
OFF-SCREEN NARRATOR (confused)
Who is this?
LEDWIDGE (looking embattassed)
It is Mr. Reginald Christie, me landlord.
REG CHRISTIE (proud)
Not to be confused with the serial killer of the same name...
LEDWIDGE (cheekily)
Of which you resemble...
REG CHRISTIE (angry)
Stop it, VHS is clearly the superior format. Why do you have more? What about DVD?
LEDWIDGE(sad)
Because unfortunately, you gotta make sacrifices. Some good films just never got the chance. Anyway, with video, you DON'T have scratch problems like that DVD? It's just CDs with pictures and a few fancy extras. I don't care about fancy stuff, cos I'm common.
TO BE CONTINUED...