Chips

Some honest feedback would be appreciated regarding the below.

SCENE FROM A HOUSE KITCHEN - DOMO AND LISA ARE JUST HOME AND ARE SITTING AT A TABLE HAVING JUST PICKED UP SOME FOOD IN THEIR LOCAL CHIPPER AFTER DROPPING THEIR KIDS OFF TO MUSIC LESSONS.

DOMO: 'Did you put the kettle on for a cuppa, Lisa'.

LISA: 'I did. It's just coming to the boil. Can you not hear it?'

DOMO: 'Oh, yeah. I can'.

LISA IS TUCKING INTO HER CHIPS WHEN SHE GETS ANGRY.

LISA: 'For feck sake, Domo. These are re-heats. I was really looking forward to them'.

DOMO OPENS HIS BAG AND TUCKS IN TO SEE IF HIS ARE THE SAME.

DOMO: 'The w*nkers. Two fifty for that sh*te. I'll let them know the next time I'm in there, love'.

LISA: 'Do that. Let them know you weren't happy'.

DOMO: 'I was starving too. I'll be saying to them I was about as happy as a Muslim being offered a BLT sandwich at the tail end of Ramadan'!

LISA SMILES AND GETS UP FROM THE TABLE TO MAKE A POT OF TEA.

OK, I don't think you have quite got the idea of this yet! all those lines so you can end on one unfunny statement it just isn't working!
Sorry to be blunt!

Is this a scene from a sitcom or a sketch? At the moment it reads like a scene from a sitcom.

If you find yourself having to put quite a lot of exposition in the scene setting (such as who they are, where they've been) then you need to take a break and re-do it. Every piece of information we need to know should come from the characters' actions and dialogue. But do not have them just tell us where they have been/who they are/how they feel - be subtle about it.

I'm also unsure about the relevance of the character description at the top to the scene itself. Are you riffing on the characters or basing it on the one-liner at the end?

Also, when you have a character give a punchline, remember that the punchline must be 'in character' for that person. So you can't have a witty punchline erupt from an otherwise dim-witted character. At the moment the punchline (and I think you need to work on that punchline) comes out a little forced. You can hear the writer behind the characters rather than the characters themselves, if that makes sense.

It's probably a good idea to start reading some scripts or pay close attention to the way these things are set up on TV or radio to get to grips with it. Good luck!

You seem to write scenes where characters amuse each other lightly. You should concentrate on trying to amuse the audience, because at the moment we don't care about whether these people make each other smile.

Maybe as part of a light-hearted Sunday afternoon drama these things might work, when there's some investment in the characters and their relationships, but it doesn't really work as a sketch. Also, if you want to write a sketch about someone getting bad food in a takeaway, why not set it as an argument at the counter, and get some funny dialogue going? Because otherwise, with jolly reported speech, you're ending up with this:

-What's on next, love?
-Downton Abbey.
-Oh, I think that's my cue to go and tidy the garage!
-Tut, men, you have no taste.
-If you say so, dear. Oh, by the way, I bought a parrot today.
-Really? Where is it?
-Well, you'll never guess, it turned out to be dead.
-Blimey. I hope you gave that shopkeeper a piece of your mind.
-I did, at that. I said the plumage might well be attractive, but I'd prefer it to be living!
-[Chuckles good-naturedly] Oh, you! Right, Downton's starting, shove off, love.
-Yes, dear.

Cheers for all of you opinions. I actually put a number of scenes like these and self-published them in book form. Pity for me it's not working with you but you are terrific to be so honest.

Quote: Macker @ September 30 2013, 1:42 PM BST

Cheers for all of you opinions. I actually put a number of scenes like these and self-published them in book form. Pity for me it's not working with you but you are terrific to be so honest.

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To be honest, they might work a little better in book form, especially if there were repeated characters. Good on you for taking our criticisms so level-headedly.

Nice one, Gappy. I like my stuff but it would be foolish of me to believe I wouldn't get some negative feedback. Obviously the positive stuff lifts me but I appreciate the honesty and helpfulness too. You certainly wouldn't catch me getting defensive m8. Cheers!

I couldn't find any hints at a joke in here. No setups, no punchlines and the final line is far too wordy and unnatural.