Nj Sketch: Two-head Ed

NJ SKETCH: TWO-HEAD ED

F/X: SOBBING.

SPOUSE:Ed! What's wrong?

ED MILIBAND:I scared I'm going to catch the TeeBee-GeeBees.

SPOUSE:There's nothing to be worried about.

ED MILIBAND:That's not what the unfunny comics say.

SPOUSE:Newspapers, Ed, they're called newspapers. Look - here's your friend Ed Balls coming to cheer you up.

ED MILIBAND:What if he has it already? - he'll-he'll-he'll slobber all over me and make me sick too. WAAAAHHHHH!

SPOUSE:Nonsense. See, he's even brought a crack team of medical staff along just to be on the safe side. And I see he has a present for you.

ED MILIBANDh yeah? (RECOVERING) What kind of present?

ED BALLS:It's a lizard.

ED MILIBAND:A lizard! Lizards are tops!! Wait - there's something funny about this lizard - it's got TWO HEADS!!!

ED BALLS:That's right - it's a very rare two-headed lizard.

ED MILIBAND:WHOA! But how does it decide which way to go?

ED BALLS:When two heads share one body it forces them to learn to work in perfect unison, and not descend into a maelstrom of destructive internecine party warfare.

ED MILIBAND:That sounds important, but boring. Want to play hide and seek?

ED BALLS:First I'd like to have this surgical team graft my head onto your neck.

ED MILIBANDnly if you promise we'll play hide and seek after.

ED BALLS:I promise.

F/X: HEART RATE MONITOR, SURGICAL SAW.

SPOUSE:What have you boys been up to that's making such a racquet?

ED MILIBAND:We turned ourselves into a dicephalus!

SPOUSE:Tsk Tsk. What ever will you two think of next?

ED MILIBAND:Can my best-ist friend Ed stay for dinner? PLEASE?

SPOUSE:I don't see that we have much choice now. (LAUGHS)

F/X: ALL LAUGH TOGETHER.

F/X: KNIFE AND FORK BEING LAYED DOWN.

ED BALLS:That was delicious.

ED MILIBAND:Yes, my tummy feels double-full, but I still want dessert. Can we play outside later?

SPOUSEnly if you remember to be careful - you don't want to hurt your friend.

ED MILIBAND:I could never hurt anyone who was my friend.

SPOUSE:Well, Ed is more like your brother now.

ED BALLS:No. Not brother. Not brother.

ED MILIBAND:Brother? I don't share with my brother.

F/X: SCREAMS & ANIMALISTIC DEVOURING.

SPOUSE:Now who's ready for ice-Where'd your friend Ed go?

ED MILIBANDon't know.

F/X: BIG BELCH.

END

Could not with cutting down. But I liked the unfunny comics line