JUSTIN-
The government have been at the forefront of suspicion this week after they bought shares in the company that makes riot shields before announcing their intention to ban prisoners from smoking - that's one way to clear the deficit I suppose. But in an attempt to clean up their own mess and make things a little less stabby they have set up a helpline
F/X telephone ringing
V/O - Thank you for calling the NHS quit smoking helpline. If you are a prisoner press one.
F/X button being pressed
V/O - Welcome, law breaker. If you're a little Caucasian cockney who thinks he's from the hood and you would like the gangsta translation press one, blood. If you want to talk to someone you know is wearing a nurses outfit press two. If you want tips on keeping busy press three.
F/X button being pressed
V/O -
You have selected option three. Why not try keeping your hands busy. Maybe try resting your chin in your hands and thoughtfully staring out of the barred window wondering who your wife or girlfriend is with. If that does not appeal to you why not start a knitting group - please note prisoners will not be trusted with needles, wool, or chairs. Basically you're allowed to stand in a circle with other prisoners. Maybe you should take up writing and write a letter to the Daily Mail to tell them how fun prison is. Use the words "holiday" and "camp" that'll get to them. If you have realised phoning us was a pointless exercise please shove the face of a guard into the key pad
F/X lots of buttons being pressed simultaneously
END