Only just registered on here but been stalking the forums for a while, finally got round to having a crack at a first script. Any feedback or comments welcome, especially those telling me it's dreadfully poor. Here's the first few scenes, it's not very sitcommy, more a Gervais/Merchant cringey & awkward show, following one central character.
Rewrite: http://www.scribd.com/doc/183910915/Olly-FD2-pdf?secret_password=203vg6782wchnn4s8smp
On the plus side, I thought it had some funny moments and a couple of the characters were promising. The relationship between the main character and his slobby childhood friend could have some mileage. I'd focus on that.
On the minus side, I found the opening dodgy. It doesn't make sense to start off with a huge scene like that anyway, if you think about the practicalities of it. It would be very costly to film with all those extras etc, and the humour is a bit tired: those repeated 'haven't you grown' remarks don't really earn their keep. The main character comes across as more negative than witty at the moment. He was beginning to irritate me by the end. I'm not sure the dildo thing is all that funny. It could just be that I'm a prude, but the whole thing seemed a bit unclear and more sordid than witty.
This probably all sounds a bit harsh. It's obviously just a first draft, and there are a few good things in it, but it needs a lot more work. Nice formatting though.
Thanks, that's very useful, he's definitely far too negative and unrelatable, I agree. Need to make him more sympathetic
I would perhaps watch the description as well - it is a) too long and b) too novelesque. The first birthday scene could have been dealt with in half a page.
I know why you do it - you want to describe everything in detail, because that is how you see it in your head. But a script is a blueprint only.
Leave the fancy language to Marc P and the other novelly people. "The family adorns the table". Not really, they just sit there.
Hi Greg
I thought it was an enjoyable enough read. I am a fan of this kind of thing, kind of put me in mind of grandmas house, but I think it needs to be done really well to work. I got a bit confused with the neighbour situation. Didn't really understand why they were at breakfast and why olly wouldn't remember James as they live next door ?
Overall There were some funny lines in there and olly's character and situation was quite clear. I do think it could be tightened up quite a bit, but appreciate this is a first draft. Also as Jennie says remember this is a script not a novel.
I would be interested to see how the rest of the episode pans out ?
Good luck.
I'm an English student so am constantly writing essays/prose so I'm far too used to long description - that's why its novelistic and too detailed, need to work on it.
And yeah I suppose that's unclear, its because he's been away at Uni for a few years and has now come back, but might move James further away from next door.
As for the rest of the script, James gets Olly a job interview so he gets guilt tripped into going to the pub with him after his graduation. James gets him far too drunk and therefore he messes up his interview the next morning and ends up coming home early - walking in the house to hear his mum using her package that she had delivered earlier on.(Basically everything goes wrong for him haha)
I agree with the others. You can write, but it's exhausting wading through the unnecessary narrative and over-long dialogue. Virtually every speech could be cut by half without losing the meaning. My advice to every new scriptwriter is to have "Less is more" tattooed on their forehead - and listen to how people actually speak.
Quote: beaky @ September 29 2013, 12:46 PM BSTMy advice to every new scriptwriter is to have "Less is more" tattooed on their forehead - and listen to how people actually speak.
They wouldn't be able to see it, then. Better to tattoo it ona close freind's forehead, as a reminder.
Quote: gappy @ September 29 2013, 1:07 PM BSTThey wouldn't be able to see it, then. Better to tattoo it ona close freind's forehead, as a reminder.
Smartarse! They could have it tattooed backwards, so they could see it in the mirror.
haha thanks, planning to completely scrap it and re-do this week. Hopefully it'll be half the length.
Rewrote this slightly. Anymore thoughts?
Full script here: (No password or anything it just pops up when you click)
http://www.scribd.com/doc/183910915/Olly-FD2-pdf?secret_password=203vg6782wchnn4s8smp
Thanks.
The basic setup with Olly works better now it's established pretty unequivocally that he's a self-centred wanker and the James/Olly/Beth dynamic has potential
The writing is pretty sound but could do with tightening up at the end (All you need after Gemma storms out, for example, is "Now, about that number...?" and facial expressions. The rest is just exposition.)
The big issue is that if a *pilot* episode involves a mother with a dildo, an animal murder and an extended section on shitting, script readers are going to baulk at the depths of depravity the rest of a series might have to plumb to keep it going.
There are people on here that will swear that Peep Show went downhill after they cooked that dog...
Yeah that's a good point, I didn't consider the amount of smut I was writing, I just threw in everything I wanted to.
Thanks for reading it through, much appreciated.