Hi,
This is one I wrote ages ago that came across whilst going through my laptop. Would like to know what you think, I know it lacks in gags and punchlines, but whether the concept is funny or not...
Barry: My names Barry Swift, I'm 28 years old, I'm a computer analyst from Ipswich, and I won my heat with a Krypton Factor of 43. God I haven't said that in years!
Narrator: Nearly 20 years ago, Barry was a finalist in the television quiz show, "The Krypton Factor". Today, we reunite Barry with another former finalist, John Davies. For both of them, it is far from a happy reunion.
John: What everyone saw on television was four happy contestants being quizzed by Gordon Burns, but it was actually a very stressful time.
Barry: Yeah, I mean I remember during the filming of the assault course, the production team hid our track suits. In the dress rehearsal, we were made to do the whole course in our vest and pants.
John: Oh yes! Do you remember when they filmed my semi final, they replaced all the water at the bottom of the death slide with concrete laced with nails. I lost a toe, but still only came second to that librarian from Llandudno.
BOTH LAUGH
Narrator: Back in the studio, things were not any easier.
John: The puzzle round actually lasted longer than you saw on TV. Often, Gordon would creep up behind us whilst we were doing the test. In the final, we had to build a scale model of Stapeley Water Gardens out of matchboxes, Gordon actually stole some of my pieces and put them on another table.
Barry: I remember that! It took you three days to build that didn't it?
John: I know! Two of the audience died whilst Gordon just laughed. If you look closely, you can see I've grown a full moustache by the time I've put the final piece in place.
Barry: It really was a testament to the editors that they got the whole round down to 90 seconds.
Narrator: It wasn't just the difficult rounds they had to contend with either.
Barry: Gordon was often subject to uncontrollable rage.
John: Yes, in between rounds, Gordon would sometimes knock parts of the set over, and then make the contestants rebuild it, whilst shrieking...
John and Barry: How's that for an intelligence test!
Narrator: The final round wasn't without controversy either.
John: It was a tie break general knowledge question between Barry and the mathematics lecturer from Shipley in Bradford, Des Clarke.
Barry: Ah Des. The tie break question was about calculus. A maths lecturer getting a question about calculus. Where's my tie breaker about computer programming languages? Eh?
John: Alright, calm down Barry.
Barry: No I won't, the whole bloody thing was rigged. Gordon never messed with Des's puzzle pieces did he? Des never got gangrene doing the assault course did he?! Oh no, Des gets a trophy off Steve Ovett, Des doesn't lose his wife from all of the training I put in, and worst of all, Des gets to host two episodes of Open University, what do I get, nothing!
John: I got nothing either....
Barry: You were rubbish! You only got to the final as the highest scoring runner up! You got the Mary Rose and Marie Celeste mixed up!
John: Steady on pal! You know what Barry, this is why no one comes to your annual reunion, it's just you in a pub by yourself sat in that bloody track suit hoping some member of the public will remember you. Every year. It doesn't even fit you anymore, why are you still wearing it?! This is why we all deleted you on Facebook. I'm only here because radio 4 paid me to be here.
Barry: You got paid for this?!
Narrator: Next week, we reunite two losing contestants from the 80s seminal bingo based quiz vehicle, "Bob's Full House".
Contestant:Thanks to Bob, I'm now banned from all bingo parlours in Norwich. I'll never forgive him. Never.
END
