Skit Comp 21 - 30.9.13

Thanks for a cool skitcomp and congratulations to SHANDONBELLE for winning. Please get pished as a farth and PM me with a subject for next wank.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Shandonbelle
2 - 5 - Sootyj
1 - 1 - Gappy, Funny Ha Ha Not Funny Strange
Speckled mention: Tony Kay
Your new subject: TRANSUBSTANTIATION (chosen by Sootyj).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 30.9.13

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 76 - Gappy
2 - 40 - Jakob Jensen, Michael Monkhouse
3 - 25 - Sootyj, Otterfox
4 - 10 - Shandonbelle
5 - 6 - Carlos Manwelly
6 - 5 - Nick81, Stonked, 404 Not Found, Steve Sunshine
7 - 1 - Funny Ha Ha Not Funny Strange

This isn't just the body of Christ.

Made with the finest wholemeal flour, Malvern sea salt, extra Virgin Mary olive oil and Buxton mineral water, this is Marks & Spencer Simply Sacrament body of Christ.

This is, technically speaking, a hell of a subject. This skit includes death which depending on your beliefs etc etc so...

THAT WAS YOUR LIFE

TV STUDIO.
Smarmy presenter JACK with shy guest RALPH.

JACK Hello, good evening and welcome - I can use that now David Frost's snuffed it - my name's Jack Frost and welcome to 'That Was My Life?'

CANNED LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.

JACK Tonight's c**testant is a nerd so nervy you wouldn't even have him as a friend on 'Facebook'...

CANNED LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.

JACK A woofter so wuss-some he makes Gayham Naughtie look like Liam Gallagher...

CANNED LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.

JACK A slag with his finger so far up his jacksie no wonder he's totally full of shit...

CANNED LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.

JACK Yes, it's chartered accountant from Stoke, Rolf Fotheringaye!

SILENCE.

RALPH It's - Ralph actually.

JACK Shut up you tart.

RALPH Yes, sorry. Gosh.

JACK So Rolf, do you recognize this voice?

V/O He was an absolute bastard. Everyone at school all hated him, we used to call him gay, gay, gay - he told Teach and when she stopped laughing she joined in. In the end he tried to commit suicide, so he probably was a bit gay. Tryna kill yerself for that, what a poof.

RALPH Gosh yes. (beams) It's Eric...Eric Lazy! Oh thank you Sir, this is so - nostalgic.

JACK Yes Rolf, it's Eric 'Go f**k yerself Fotheringaye' Lazy... You haven't seen him for thirty years, you've been running away! The guy who shat in your lunchbox...

CANNED LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.

JACK Stole all Mummy's medical money...

CANNED LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.

JACK And kicked your f**king head in.

CANNED LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.

RALPH Yes, and once he called me a count.

SILENCE.

JACK And next - do you recall this fellow?

V/O He was a complete bastard. Everyone down the pub detested him, only I made him think I was his mate, the prize prick.

RALPH (tearful) Gosh yes. Oh Sir, you've made me so emotional. It's Dirk Stiff isn't it.

JACK Yes, Dirk 'Go shaft yerself Rolf, no one else will' Stiff. For years he faked liking you so you gave him the keys to your house - where he stole your furniture, rammed cricket bats with barbed wire round them in and out of your cat's anus, and held anal sex parties with your wife, daughter and two sons! They loved it so much they went to live with him, leaving you with the mortgage and maintenance, which by a hilarious coincidence fell on the same day of the month as your wife's day of the month! Boy was she sore, in more ways than one.

RALPH (laughs) Oh Dirk what're you like?

JACK But you couldn't report him to the police because you had a gentlemen's agreement didn't you.

RALPH (fondly) That's right. He said if I ever told anyone, he'd kick my f**king head in too.

JACK So distraught were you by the loss of your family you made a second suicide attempt - with riotous consequences. You put your head under a steam roller and the guy refused to flatten your bonce 'cos of the damage it'd do, to the vehicle.

RALPH Gosh! How silly I am.

JACK And finally - this voice?

V/O He was an utter bastard. Everyone in the detention centre hated him.

RALPH It's - Richard Head isn't it.

JACK Yes, Richard 'Go f**k yerself, shaft yerself, stick yer cock in a crock of nitric acid till it's tiny, not that you were King Dong in the first place Rolf' Head.

RALPH Gosh, hi Dick! I mean Richard.

JACK Yes, Richard located your nuclear family, extended family, all your friends - sorry, friend - roasted them alive, cut them into sixty-seven pieces each nearly alive, then fed them to you dead as a donut! When you discovered the truth you were violently and copiously sick, he made you lick it up then set eight thousand rabid starving dogs on you, hung you upside-down naked in boiling then freezing water and finally made you watch every episode of 'Emmerdale Farm'!

RALPH Oh Dick! I mean...

JACK You then made your third suicide attempt by trying to gouge your guts out with an ex-punk's safety pins, but they were so disgusted by you they hopped away!

RALPH Ah, happy times...

JACK But as the priest says to the Kindergarten, no one leaves here empty-handed. We're gonna rectify the situation now with this handy .22 calibre automatic. (takes out pistol, holds it to Ralph's head)

RALPH Gosh this is awesome, amazing and amusing! Thank you...

JACK shoots him.
CANNED LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.

JACK Thank you all. 'That Was My Life?', reducing unemployment by reducing the unemployed. Tune in next week, or it could be you here. Only joking, could be your kids.

Jesus and the twelve Disciples sitting around the table enjoying the last supper:

JESUS: Well that was a lovely meal, thank you all for coming,

LUKE: It was our pleasure my lord, we should do this more often!

JESUS: OK Lets get the bill and Head home, Excuse me waitress, can we have the bill please?

WAITRESS: Yes, there you go.

JESUS: So lets see, It comes to 230 Pieces of silver plus 30 for tip, there's 13 of us, so that's 20 pieces of silver each!

MARK: There you go my Lord.

MATHEW: Here's Mine, thanks for a great night,

LUKE: There you go my lord, A splendid evening,

JUDUS: Erm! I'll be right back, just got to pop out and see someone quickly!!!!!!

PREIST ONE:
...And now the bit you've all been waiting for...The bread and wine bit!

AUDIENCE/CONGREGATION ALL CHEER.

PREIST ONE:
and just to remind you all that this sacrement has been brought to you today by Ralph Singh's all night off licience on the high street. I also...

HE IS INTERRUPTED BY A PREISTLING.

PREISTLING:
(To Preist one)
We're out!

PREIST ONE:
Out?

PREISTLING:
The bread's gone mouldy and the wine...er...I've got debts so I sold it.

PREIST ONE:
Debts?

PREISTLING:
They came to collect just now. They were going to cut off a finger if I didn't pay them!

PREIST ONE:
You and that bloody cocaine habit! It's the last time I get you started on class A drugs!

PREISTLING:
I know, I know, I'm sorry!

PREIST ONE:
Pass me that tray over there.

PREISTLING:
That's the snacks for the Nuns Union meeting afterwards.

PREIST ONE:
Just bring it to me!

THE PREISTLING FETCHES A COVERED TRAY AND HANDS IT TO PREIST.

PREIST ONE:
(To the audience)
Well, you know that Pope guy? He changed things around a bit and we don't just do the whole body and blood stuff any more.

HE PULLS SOME PICKLED ONIONS ON STICKS FROM UNDER THE TRAY'S CLOTH COVERING.

These are the eyes of Christ.

HE PUTS THEM ON ANOTHER TRAY ON THE ALTER OR WHATEVER. HE THEN PULLS OUT 2 PRAWN CRACKERS.

These are the ears of Christ.

HE PUTS THEM ON THE OTHER TRAY. HE THEN PULLS OUT 2 JAMIE DODGERS.

These are also the eyes of Christ for those of you who might have some kind of allergy to his other eyes.

HE HOLDS THEM UP IN FRONT OF HIS EYES AND SAYS:

Ooh look! I'm Jesus!

HE PUTS THEM ON THE TRAY AND PULLS OUT A LONG, PINK, WOBBLY AND VERY SUGGESTIVE SAUSAGE.

Er... this is...

HE TRYS HOLDING IT NEAR VARIOUS PARTS OF HIS BODY TRYING TO THINK WHAT IT COULD BE. HE HOLD IT VERY BREIFLY IN FRONT OF HIS CROTCH BE FORE SAYING MOVING IT TO HIS STOMACH AND SHOUTING...

Pancreas! It's his pancreas you perverts! You'll probably all go to hell now you disgusting bunch!

THE AUDIENCE:
Aw!

THE PREIST FLOPS THE SAUSAGE PENISLY ONTO THE OTHER TRAY.

PREIST ONE:
Now roll up, roll up for the communion!
Come and get your Jesus snacks!
Last one here's a Scientologist!

AUDIENCE ALL SURGE FORWARDS.

THE END.

The last supper with Fat Bastard.

INT: Jesus and his disciple is sitting by a table and eating the last supper.

JESUS: Now take this bread for it is my body....

F/X: The earth trembles.

PETER: What on earth was that?

JUDAS: May I present Fat Bastard, secret agent for the Romans.

FAT BASTARD: Jesus Christ! Don't reveal my identity man. I here on a secret mission!

JESUS: I didn't.

FAT BASTARD: Holy shit who dialed your number?

JESUS: You did and don't curse it hurts the lord.

FAT BASTARD: Holy Christ what a...

JESUS: Yes?

FAT BASTARD: You are really an attention seeking plonker. Aren't you. Sweet Jesus!

JESUS: Yes?

FAT BASTARD: Somebody change the gramophone over here it's broken. What are you tards celebrating?

PETER: Were are eating bread and drinking wine because Jesus is leaving us.

FAT BASTARD: The Jesus? Son of God?

JESUS: Yes?

FAT BASTARD: Sorry Bro. But a job is a job. Ponty wants your dead. You kind of looking like a hot dog I once ate. So I'm going to eat you. Get in my Belly.

PETER: We are also eating and drinking him.

FAT BASTARD: I'm bigger than you and higher in the food chain! I want my hot dog hot dog hot dog. Chomp chomp chomp.

FAT BASTARD EATS JESUS AND FARTS AND HOLDS HIS HANDS TO HIS ARSE.

FAT BASTARD: Oh holy crap!

PRIEST:Blessed are you Lord, God of all creation, through your goodness we have this wine to offer...

THE SACRAMENT IS INTERRUPTED BY A DRUNK WANDERING ONTO THE ALTER, HIS BACK TO THE CONGREGATION, HE HOLDS A NEAR EMPTY WINE GLASS, THE PRIEST CARRIES ON

PRIEST:Fruit of the vine and work of human hands it will become our spiritual drink...

THE DRUNK TURNS TO FACE THE CROWD, WARBLES AN ITALIAN LOVE SONG AND FINISHES TO THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE BEFORE REFRESHING HIS GLASS FROM THE CHALICE OF ALTER WINE

THE PRIEST IS AGHAST...

PRIEST:That's transubstantiation!

DEAN MARTIN TAKES A BOW

DEAN:No, That's Amore... hic.

'Stanley' used to be a woman and prefers to be dominated sexually but always insists on dressing up and wearing a tie when celebrating the sacrament of the Eucharist.

In other words, before he goes to church-

Tran sub Stan ti a ti on

BOB IS ON THE PHONE TO MIDGE ...

BOB
Hey Midge - I've got a feckin great idea for ending world hunger.

MIDGE
"Vi ...enn ... aaaaaaaaaaa." Go on Bob. I'm listening.

BOB
The feckin eucharist - I can't believe nobody's thought of it before.

MIDGE
"This means nothing to meeeeeeeee". Not getting it, Bob. Aren't you an atheist?

BOB
Too feckin right. Religion is absoloute bollocks. But this whole body of Christ thing, it got me thinking - millions of people actually BELIEVE there's something to it, because they WANT it to be true.

MIDGE
"A cool empty silence." How does that help people who are starving, Bob?

BOB
Bear with me for a minute, Midge. I know it's feckin far out, but just imagine - we tell the starving people that we're sending them communion wafers that are really transubstantiated chicken and chips, burger and chips, fish and chips, kebabs, you name it. And they'll BELIEVE it because they'll WANT it to be true. Obviously we won't push it by suggesting we've included a side-salad - nobody's that feckin gullible. And then we'll ship the wafers out to Africa and we'll drop them by parachute and all the starving people will be able to eat as much fast food as they want. Wouldn't that be feckin great?

MIDGE
"So mystic and soulful". They're not magic wafers, Bob. They're just wafers. Just silly little wafers.

BOB
Or ... I could write a song about starving people ... and you and me, we could sing it and it would be great and it would go to number one at Christmas and we'd give all the money to charity to buy food for starving people in Africa and people would love us.

MIDGE
"The music is weaving." Now you're talking, Bob. Oh, hang on a sec- Bono's on the other line. Hey Bono, how's it hangin' ...?

BOB
Don't mention the feckin song! I don't want that big headed eejit hogging the best line.

MIDGE
"The rhythm is calling." Bono loves the idea, Bob. He's even come up with his own line for the song: "Well, tonight thank God it's them instead of you". What do you think?

BOB
Feck feck feckin feck.

END

I have no idea what that Transsub thing means but I went along with the others:

INTERNAL MATTHEW'S HOUSE, MATTHEW, MARK, LUKE AND JOHN ARE SITTING AT A TABLE WAITING FOR JESUS TO RETURN.

JESUS RETURNS HOLDING A CARRIER BAG FULL OF FOOD.

Matthew: Did you get mine?

Jesus: Yes I got it

Mark: What about mine?

Jesus: Yes I got one for you as well.

Luke: What about me?

Jesus: Yes Luke I got it, though I did have a bit of trouble getting one for you.

John: I know you must have got mine.

Jesus: Oh yes John, there was loads for you.

Mathew: Well let the feast begin.

JESUS PLACES THE BAG ON THE TABLE AND HANDS OUT A PIECE OF BREAD TO EACH OF THEM.

John: Been waiting for this all day.

JESUS THEN HANDS EACH OF THEM A BOTTLE OF COKE, HE CHECKS THE LABELS TO MAKE SURE HE HAS THE RIGHT NAMES ON EACH BOTTLE.

Luke: Having a coke with Jesus, what more can you ask?

JESUS PULLS OUT A BOTTLE OF RED WINE FROM THE CARRIER BAG.

Mark: Where is your coke?

Jesus: I couldn't find one with my name on it, so I had a bottle of red.

END

LOIS LANE AND SUPERMAN ARE WALKING THROUGH HIS PALACE OF SOLITUDE
THEY GAZE LOVING INTO EACH OTHERS EYES

LOIS
Oh Superman you took me to the Taj Mahal, the Arc de Triomphe and the London Eye.

SUPERMAN
Lois this worlds so beautiful seen through your eyes.

LOIS
Oh you. You took me around the world, now why don't I take you around the world?

LOIS LICKS HER LIPS SAUCILY

SUPERMAN
Sure, but first of all I'd like to introduce you to a friend.....Clark Kent.

SUPERMAN PUTS ON A PAIR OF GLASSES

LOIS
But you're Clark and Clark is Superman? You lied to me!

SUPERMAN
And you two timed me you bitch!

SUPERMAN DISINTEGRATES LOIS WITH HIS LASER EYES

FX TOILET FLUSHES SOMEWHERE NEARBY

BATMAN WALKS OUT OF THE SUPER SHITTER CARRYING THE DAILY MAIL

BATMAN
Oh Supes you are into some f**ked up shit.

SUPERMAN
I'm into you.

BATMAN AND SUPERMAN SNOG

My vote goes to Playfull

Jakob Jensen for me this week.

Oi! Time's not up yet! I'm just writing mine.

Sootyjs is very funny.

Many good ones.

But my vote goes to Carlos Manwelly.