Thank you all for reading.
Script Feedback/Opinions
Advice: Put it in the Critique section.
Better advice: Put some of it in the Critique section.
I haven't read it, but I opened the file to see a huge block of text that went on for several pages. That is going to put off any potential reader. Post a bit in critique.
I got to page 9 and NOTHING had happened - just banal chit chat.
Nothing that was said or done was moving any story forward.
Stephen Goodlad, but isn't that the whole point? This is a setup for the whole series, this episode in particular shows you how s**t his life is and sets it up for the story to progress. I admit it's a slow starter, but 9 Pages in, to a 49 page script and nothing has happened? I'm not sure what happens when you wake up and get ready for work in the morning but for most people not a lot does. This is supposed to be a relatable real life comedy drama.
Read it all and tell me it's absolute shite, I'm fine with. Read 9 pages, not so much.
Quote: Daniel Dudley @ September 20 2013, 8:26 PM BSTStephen Goodlad, but isn't that the whole point? This is a setup for the whole series, this episode in particular shows you how s**t his life is and sets it up for the story to progress. I admit it's a slow starter, but 9 Pages in, to a 49 page script and nothing has happened? I'm not sure what happens when you wake up and get ready for work in the morning but for most people not a lot does. This is supposed to be a relatable real life comedy drama.
Read it all and tell me it's absolute shite, I'm fine with. Read 9 pages, not so much.
Daniel, there are a couple of problems here.
1) A "set up" episode is unnecessary. Use a plot to explore your characters. Show us how shit Felix's life is by allowing something to happen to him that he has to deal with. If it is a comedy drama, then there needs to be some drama!
2)Most producers will decide if they like a script within three pages. They will not afford you the courtesy of reading all 50 pages. By reading 9, Stephen has gone much further than many others would. You need to grab us on page one, and make us read on.
I will read it and provide you with some feedback. Not going to promise to read all 50 pages though.
EDIT: I've read some of it. I'm mindful that you've spent two years on this, so I really don't want to be harsh, but I think you deserve honesty. It isn't great. There is no story, no conflict, the characters are indistinguishable from each other. You said this is a comedy drama - so where is the drama? Watch some TV drama, comedy or otherwise. The action starts on page 1. We are immediately emotionally invested with those characters.
The Voice Over at the start tells us what Felix is like. I don't want to be told, I want you to show me what he is like through what he does and the choices he makes.
I would go back and work out what story you want to tell about Felix in this episode. What is the status quo? How is that status quo interrupted, and what is the resolution? How is Felix emotionally affected by what is happening?
Quote: Daniel Dudley @ September 20 2013, 8:26 PM BSTI'm not sure what happens when you wake up and get ready for work in the morning but for most people not a lot does. This is supposed to be a relatable real life comedy drama.
99% of my life (and indeed most people's lives) would be boring as f**k in any TV drama.
So we don't include it in our scripts.
Put it back up, Daniel - no need to take it down. Someone may come along with a completely different view to me.
Just a question, have you got anyone outside you and your writing partner to critique this in the two years you were working on it?
I read 9 pages and I agree with Jennie. And are you English? Because "Mom" is very jarring.
Don't give up, you've got past first base by completing something. Now go back and put a line through everything that doesn't serve a purpose - character, plot, gag. Be harsh with yourself and others will be less harsh in the future.
Not that anyone's been harsh here.
Hi Jennie,
I appreciate your feedback, honestlyI do. I've sent it to industrial scripts and it got to the 2nd stage of BBC Writers room. But that's about the only critique we've had. Industrial Scripts said it wasn't quite ready to introduc to the public and I've changed it based on their suggestion.
The only reas on I've taken it down is because I'm following the first 2 replies and I will post bits in the critique section for people to tear apart.
Kind Regards
Dan
Excellent. 
I didn't want to scare you off. Well done for getting through to the next stage of WR.
He's not coming back, is he?
Does that chat up line ever work?
Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ September 22 2013, 5:57 PM BSTHe's not coming back, is he?
I don't know, maybe I scared him off. But I stand by every word I said.
The ladies not for deferring
I think we are left with no bat or ball to play with and an empty pram.