NJ: Privatised Pat

And I know it was a very popular topic, but here's my version of Postman Pat.

Dan

===================
PRIVATISED PAT
===================
JUSTIN:
Everyone's favourite spam provider, Royal Mail, will be privatised in the coming weeks. A move no doubt resulting in them being renamed The Republican Mail. We at Newsjack take a peek into what life will be like under new ownership.

GRAMSOSTMAN PAT THEME

NARRATOR:
It's sunny in Greendale, and Postman Pat is delivering letters for the newly-privatised Royal Mail.

F/XOOR OPENS

MRS NICE:
Oh, hello, Pat.

NARRATOR:
But Pat has a new realistic view of being a postman.

PAT:
Here's your mail, old lady.

MRS NICE:
Erm. Please forgive me being a little bit rude, but the letters you delivered were a tad... scrunched, bent and torn when they were pushed through the letterbox.

NARRATOR:
But Pat doesn't take too kindly to Mrs Nicely-Nice's tone.

PAT:
And?

MRS NICE:
They used to be pristine.

NARRATOR:
Says Mrs Nicely-Nice, politely.

MRS NICE (CT'D):
Or at least unopened. (BEAT) And turn up before 4:30pm.

NARRAOTR:
Pat answers using his new, employer-provided, Pragmatism Training.

PAT:
Look, love, are you a Royal Mail shareholder?

MRS NICE:
Well, er... no but--

PAT:
Then I don't care what you think. Just take your bloomin' mail.

NARRATOR:
Mrs Nicely-Nice voices her concerns.

MRS NICE:
You used to be so considerate.

NARRATOR:
But Pat is about to give her a lesson in the real world politics.

PAT:
'Considerate' doesn't get me a bonus, sweetheart. It gets me a bollocking for not delivering. I'm getting much more done now I don't have to fanny around remembering everyone's names. Come on! I've got to get moving!

NARRATOR:
Mrs Nice reminisces about the golden age of the Post Office. (BEAT) Last week.

MRS NICE:
You had that nice cat--

PAT:
Redeployed.

MRS NICE:
To where?

PAT:
I had him put down. Kept pooing in the van. Still, more room for mail now! Look, I've got to keep my stats up or my dividends won't pay anything. I haven't got time for this! Here's your mail.

F/XHOVES LETTERS INTO MRS NICE'S MOUTH

MRS NICE:
Wha--ummmmUMMMHHMM!

PAT:
It's all junk anyway. More revenue for me!

NARRATOR:
And with that, Pat closed the door to his van and continues on his round.

F/XAT RUNS TO VAN. VAN DOOR CLOSES. REVS UP AND TEARS OFF THROUGH GREENDALE BEEPING HORN WITH TYRES SQUEALING

PASSER-BY:
Oh!

PAT:
Gerrout the way! Idiot!

F/X:CRASH

PAT:
Urrrrrrrrghhhh....

END

Like you said it was a popular theme. Maybe it would have stood out more if it showed the new royal mail as positive. Some good lines though

Just remembered, doesn't Lewis actually voice Postman Pat? Is there some contractual conflict of interest?

I felt the sketch was more ranty than funny. The redeployment of Jess was the strongest element, maybe you should have focused on that?

Nicely formatted though.

A little under-researched?

I think any PP sketch needs to name Jess and Mrs Goggins. (And, probably, Granny Dryden.)

Quote: Badge @ September 20 2013, 12:10 PM BST

The redeployment of Jess was the strongest element, maybe you should have focused on that?

View original

I thought that was the strongest element, too.

Decent sketch, but my problem is that my post has generally turned up in the afternoon, damaged and to the wrong house for years, so I don't suspect privatisation will make that any worse.

I think the idea is better than the execution. Perhaps it deserves a song?

(As a sketch, I'd close on the "Look love, are you a Royal Mail shareholder?" lines and work the Jess and dubious driving stuff in earlier)

I like the angle of Postman Pat being really rude and in a rush. That seems original to me. Also the cat story was really good.
Maybe this has been done before but I haven't seen it and I really enjoyed the sketch.