JUSTIN:
Americans are usually impervious to irony, and yet even their eyebrows were raised by the news that anti-bullying schemes actually promote bullying.
Just what is going on inside those classrooms?
TEACHER:
Right, in today's lesson we're going to be looking at wedgies. Now, does anyone know what a wedgie is?
BEAT
(CONT'D)
No? Well, you see, a wedgie is what happens when someone's underpants are pulled up and above their trousers.
FX: PUPIL LAUGHTER
(CONT'D)
Yes, it is quite amusing, isn't it? Anyway, what I think would be useful, is if we could have a practical demonstration. Now, would any of you be willing to take on the role of victim?
BEAT
(CONT'D)
No? Well then I'll have to choose... Curly!
CURLY:
What? Why me?
TEACHER:
Well one; you're ginger! And two; your dad's gay! Now, hands up, who'd like to give Curly a wedgie?
BEAT
(CONT'D)
All of you! Right, well who's the strongest?
KEITH:
I can bench press me own body weight, miss!
TEACHER:
Well then, come on up! (BEAT) Now, I want you to watch this carefully... in fact, it might be a good idea to get your camera phones out. (BEAT) Okay, in three, two, one...
BEAT
KEITH:
Nothing's happening, miss!
TEACHER:
(TUTS) That's because your technique's all over the place! Here, let me show you how it's done properly.
FX: LOUD SNAP
CURLY:
Aaaarrrgghhh!
TEACHER:
Now THAT is a wedgie!
FX: CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
(CONT'D)
Oh please, you're embarrassing me! (BEAT) Now, before we move on, I am obliged to tell you that you MUSTN'T give anyone a wedgie EVER! So DON'T! Well, except when acting in self-defence, of course... or if someone's asking for it!
END