JUSTIN:
The phrase 'oops, I've crapped the bed' was once fairly common. But from now on, you're more likely to hear the newer version; 'Christ, I've done a Lord Ashcroft!'
FX: HOTEL BELL RINGS
RECEPTIONIST:
Ah, Lord Ashcroft... have you... lost weight?
LORD ASHCROFT:
Well, now that you mention it... I suppose I am a bit trimmer this morning.
RECEPTIONIST:
So, what can I do for you then?
LORD ASHCROFT:
Well, you see, before I check out, I feel as if I ought to give you this!
RECEPTIONIST:
Five hundred pounds! Wow, no one's ever tipped me that generously before.
LORD ASHCROFT:
Oh no, it's not for you... it's to cover my 'miscellaneous' expenses.
RECEPTIONIST:
But you've already paid them off by credit card!
LORD ASHCROFT:
Ah, no, this is for one you're not yet aware of. You see, during the course of yesterday evening, I unfortunately had a little... accident.
RECEPTIONIST:
Well, what kind of accident?
LORD ASHCROFT:
One that's FAR too mortifying to say aloud... hence why I've tweeted it instead. Here!
RECEPTIONIST:
You mixed laxatives and sleeping pills!?
LORD ASHCROFT:
I know; bit of a faux pas! But still, better here than at home!
RECEPTIONIST:
Look, this isn't really my place, but are you sure it's wise to put that into the public domain?
LORD ASHCROFT:
Oh, absolutely! You see, when you're a shadowy non-dom with cavernous pockets, it can actually be rather humanising to admit that you... poo the bed.
RECEPTIONIST:
Really?
LORD ASHCROFT:
Indeed, according to this poll I commissioned earlier... my popularity has already risen by over ten points!
RECEPTIONIST:
Well, if it's that effective, then maybe Ed Miliband should give it a go?
LORD ASHCROFT:
My dear, he could excrete bricks of gold onto a bed of roses... and yet he still wouldn't be our next Prime Minister. As this poll demonstrates!
END