Newsjack Intro, Apps etc

a home for us rejects. Here are mine

INTRO
When WWE wrestler Darren Young came out as being gay he hit the headlines hard - well it looked hard but actually he barely touched them

The Lib Dems are adamant that trident needs to be slimmed down. "Trident is big and beautiful" F/X clicking of fingers Said an overly camp Gok Wan

A dozen men have been arrested for using a remote control to hack into a banks computer system. A spokesman for the group said "they were watching the IT Crowd and must have pressed the red button"

A Bolton woman sold her house and spent the money on cosmetic surgery to ensure she looked good on her wedding day. After its success she was the prettiest girl on the street which is where she now lives.

A survey conducted by Kellogg's has highlighted the dangers of children going to school without any breakfast. This has come days after Nike said children were prone to procrastination and should Just Do It and Mars claimed the work, rest and play rate in the UK is dangerously uneven

JACK APPS
A teacher gave birth in front of her class, eh? When I was at school we had to learn that stuff from a book. These kids don't they're born

Why are firefighters allowed to have a strike? They always told me not to play with matches

First we had Cameron saying "Calm Down, Dear" now we have Jeremy Hunt saying the NHS has a "computer says no" policy - haven't the Tories watched any television in the past decade? Next they'll be saying they have all the right policies but not necessarily in the right order

(Youth) How can Vince Cable accuse the Tories of using ugly politics? The introduction of the bedroom tax was well buff!

(Elderly woman) I don't believe the survey that says the pursuit of happiness stops at thirty seven. I live at thirty nine and I'm still in pursuit, mainly of him at thirty seven

I was happy to hear that someone made Cameron look like a bunny until I found out they didn't give him myxomatosis

Why are people giving the Lib Dems credit for seeing us through a recession? Giving credit is how we got into the recession, make them pay up front

(Elderly woman) So it's lower levels of oestrogen that affect the sex drive of middle aged men and not the lowering of my breasts - into his brothers mouth

blahblah, your first two JackApps make me suspect you were on the BBC News site just before the submission time, as those were the two 'latest' stories that caught my eye.

Liked your WWE one the most, although probably not news worthy enough for a British show.

Mine are kind of weak, spent the majority of my weekend drinking as it was my birthday and due to the fact the first week is the busiest I didn't hold much hope anyway.

JackApps:

I'm surprised a teacher gave birth at school; with all Michael Gove's cutbacks I can't fathom how they could even fit another child in the classroom.

I'm furious that Prince William has quit the RAF, that's all we need; another jobless pair of newlyweds with a child living off the state!

[FOOTBALL FAN:] I see Israel wants the complete destruction of Arsenal; I know we've been defensively weak in set pieces but not everyone can build a wall like them.

[PERVERT:] I thought the salvage of the Costa Concordia was going to be much sexier than it was, then I realised they were using colossal winches, not wenches.

I've been doing some chemical weapons research on my iPhone, and I've come to the conclusion Siri doesn't have any.

I was shocked to hear Beyonce was tugged off on stage, I always though Lady Gaga was the hermaphrodite.

INTROS:
"Benefit cheats could soon face up to ten years in prison... that'll teach 'em to live off the tax payer."

"The Department of Energy has spent over a hundred thousand pounds on showers... golden ones, presumably."

"The blobfish has been voted the world's ugliest animal, after defeating the defending champion... Mr Blobby!"

JACKAPPS:
"I'm thinking of buying a few shares in Twitter. Of course, by 'a few' I mean... no more than a hundred and forty."

"I'm telling you, that Northampton Clown sure knows how to drum up a media circus!"

"When I heard that most holy water contains faecal matter, I was like... holy crap!"

"Of course Le Vell should be allowed in public! I mean, he's an innocent man!"

"I wouldn't want my kids starting school at seven... it's hard enough getting them ready by half past eight!"

"If plastic banknotes are washable, then soon even the poor will be wiping their backsides with tenners."

"I won't be buying a 64-bit phone... not when I can get one that comes fully assembled."

"Microsoft are paying good money for used iPads... hence why I've started nicking 'em!"

Quote: groovydude89 @ September 19 2013, 5:11 PM BST

INTROS:
"Benefit cheats could soon face up to ten years in prison... that'll teach 'em to live off the tax payer."

"I'm telling you, that Northampton Clown sure knows how to drum up a media circus!"

View original

I liked idea behind both of those, but not sure they work in the current form

Quote: BenBroughton @ September 19 2013, 5:10 PM BST

blahblah, your first two JackApps make me suspect you were on the BBC News site just before the submission time, as those were the two 'latest' stories that caught my eye.

View original

Yes I was. I had space on my one page for a couple more jokes so I quickly jumped on the news website

Some good ones above there, enjoyed the Israeli wall the best, Ben! My first try was unsuccessful but will attempt a few more attempts in the coming weeks. Myself and a mate split the one liners which were as follows. Not sure if some were too long or not!
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With Uruguay becoming the first country to legalise marijuana completely, the UK is keen to act accordingly. Plans are in place to increase the price of air fare to Uruguay by 70%

Schools in England will be told to take action to cut the cost of school uniforms to help hard-pressed parents. Rolf Harris has volunteered to sketch up some new designs to help cut production costs

Benefit cheats in England and Wales could face longer jail terms of up to 10 years. Some offenders see this as a positive move as they will be released just a few days before their original application has been processed

Mo Farah was beaten in the Great North Run on Sunday. One could only imagine where he would place if he was able to shake off the cuts and bruises to finish the race.

A Scottish woman arrested in Peru on suspicion of drug smuggling is reported to be preparing to plead guilty in exchange for a shorter sentence. The judge has put an offer of a sentence with four words on the table. She's yet to reply.

Two men have been bitten by an off-duty police dog which was being taken for a walk in Barnsley. Mr Crook and his son are said to be doing fine.

A study has shown that casual gaming is most common among Females. Most are not impressed, as they always knew women like being Angry Birds.

Beyonce was pulled off stage by a male fan in Brazil. That makes a difference from her male fans pulling off to Beyonce on stage.

The pioneer of surround sound Ray Dolby has died. Family say tributes came from all around.

Colin Firth is set to voice Paddington Bear in a film. It'll be the first time he has played someone so full of stuffing since the Kings Speech.

JK Rowling is to make her screenwriting debut in a new Harry Potter-themed film series. The first film will be titled Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. The creators of Geordie Shore are already planning legal action.

A beachcomber in Canada believes he may have found the oldest message in a bottle dating back to 1906. Sting is said to be thrilled.

A rail firm has been fined £75,000 after passengers were stuck on a train in London for more than three hours. Those affected say the firm won't learn their lesson with a fine that's the same price as a single ticket from London to Bournemouth.

Turkey shoots down helicopter on Syrian border. No one is quite sure how he did it.

A shop worker fought off a knife-wielding robber with one of his shoes and a glass jar. The victim says he's lucky he decided to wear his Puma (or Crocs) that morning.

Quote: blahblah @ September 19 2013, 4:46 PM BST

(Elderly woman) I don't believe the survey that says the pursuit of happiness stops at thirty seven. I live at thirty nine and I'm still in pursuit, mainly of him at thirty seven

View original

This made me laugh! I hadn't heard the story, never sure how much of a part the prominence of the story plays in the decision.

Franklin - benefit cheats is a nice one, could possibly lose some words but made me laugh. The turkey one made me laugh too.

Here are my rejects, any feedback/destruction warmly welcomed!

One-liners
Unfortunately Newsjack doesn't have any jokes this week because the writers are busy playing Grand Theft Auto. Even this sentence is unlikely to end with any kind of quick get the car press it press it press it.

Glasgow has been selected to trial a system in which the government sends text messages in case of emergency. Upon the service being activated, users will be urgently informed that they live in Glasgow.

The creator of Breaking Bad has said Internet piracy allowed the show to survive its early low ratings. This tragic tale of a dying show supporting itself through criminal activities has itself been picked up as a TV show, starring Bryan Cranston as Breaking Bad in 'Breaking Bad: The Breaking Bad Story'.

Vince Cable has hinted at "red lines" that could cause him to quit the coalition, suggesting that once again someone has left Danny Alexander alone with the pens.

The Lib Dem party conference ended yesterday with a motion to find anyone actually watching it and just hand them a pamphlet directly. The motion was carried, so congratulations Rachel in Somerset.

JackApps
Hi, Nick Clegg here. I've been playing Grand Theft Auto and I've tracked down the psychotic gangster. Now where is the button to Form Coalition?

Hi, this is David Cameron. I've been playing Grand Theft Auto and I'm afraid I'm being a bit of an old fuddy duddy. I understand you're supposed to get all the money and power but where's the option to just have it at the start?

My favourites so far:

Quote: blahblah @ September 19 2013, 4:46 PM BST

A Bolton woman sold her house and spent the money on cosmetic surgery to ensure she looked good on her wedding day. After its success she was the prettiest girl on the street which is where she now lives.

Why are people giving the Lib Dems credit for seeing us through a recession? Giving credit is how we got into the recession, make them pay up front

View original

(Although think could slightly improve the wording of both)

Quote: BenBroughton @ September 19 2013, 5:10 PM BST

I've been doing some chemical weapons research on my iPhone, and I've come to the conclusion Siri doesn't have any.

View original

(tugged off on stage was worthy of a groan! Speaking of which...)

Quote: groovydude89 @ September 19 2013, 5:11 PM BST

Beyonce was pulled off stage by a male fan in Brazil. That makes a difference from her male fans pulling off to Beyonce on stage.

The pioneer of surround sound Ray Dolby has died. Family say tributes came from all around.

View original

(Think that Dolby one might be my favourite of them all.)

And here are mine. It might be obvious I ran out of time to craft them properly this week...

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NEWSJACK APP

The cruiser is upright again after the crash? Good to hear that George Michael is back on his feet.

(PUPIL) After seeing our teacher give birth in class I feel guilty for making fun of her, especially call her 'The Whale' when she was pregnant. Think we really got to her as she's called the baby Jonah.

It's a bid odd that a snooker player would want to fix matches. Swan Vestas are only 30p a packet. If they break just use a new one.

Exercising, a vegetarian diet and meditation can reverse the ageing process and make people seem younger. (BEAT) If that's the best defence Operation Yewtree suspects can come up with they're in trouble.

JUSTIN'S INTRO

David Cameron said it was just 'locker-room banter' after he was pranked by a rugby player during a photo-shoot. He said he was more upset about losing the game of 'Soggy Biscuit' afterwards.

This week is a good week for fans of reckless driving, prostitutes, and senseless violence. Yes it's Lib Dem party conference.

As part of the crackdown on match-fixing, snooker's integrity unit are being told to watch every single frame that's played. Which is also the punishment for anyone found guilty of match-fixing in snooker.

Really like the Lib Dem party conference, vegetarian diet, match-fixing ones StephenM, you can hear Justin saying them.

Here's my efforts, meagre as they were....

Jack App

When I found out that British cricket players had been arrested for match fixing, I was hit for six, but luckily one of the players bet on that happening.

One liners

Ed Milliband has this week asked the unions to show courage, in particular to him so that he knows what courage looks like.

In Egypt, the trial of former President Mubarak is to be held with a media blackout, which means that....(PAUSE/BEEPING EFFECT)...underneath the judges robes.

The Blobfish has been voted the world's ugliest animal, beating Peter Stringfellow into second place.

Research this week has shown that men who are less involved in parenting have bigger testicles, finally giving fathers for justice something to smile about.

Here's a bunch of my overly long rejected one/several liners. What a greedy boy I am.

A Wiltshire man found guilty of having sex with a goat was described by his lawyer as not depraved, just lonely; which I guess makes burglars jealous, human traffickers keen travel agents and psychopathic murderers a bit on the kooky side.

A Canadian woman was caught smuggling £300,000 of coke inside a pregnant belly prosthetic. Eamonn Holmes fell under accusation for the same crime and his bulge was also discovered to be the result of £300,000 worth of Coke, along with a grands worth of Fanta, 200 litres of Tizer and a couple of J20s.

A yougov poll asked lib dem voters which animal Nick Clegg resembles most, with poodle receiving most votes on 13% followed by a labrador, sheep and a snake. However you can add up the breeds that polled 9% and 7 % and obtain a victorious majority coalition between bulldogs and shitzus.

It's official, Coleshill in Warwickshire is the Viagra capital of Britain with 55.87 prescriptions per 1000 men. As the people of the throbbing market town have been hardened by austerity measures the news comes as a timely boost, but they face stiff competition from Wychavon in Worcestershire, second on the list and described as a sleepy little village but very up and coming.

A frog caught on camera as NASA's Ladee rocket blasted off has shot to internet fame overnight after photobombing the official launch photo. It is unknown if the creature survived being shot up miles through superheated air, but it has nevertheless been lined up for the next series of I'm A Celebrity where it's anus will be brutally devoured by that Go Compare guy.

Michael Flatley of Riverdance shame admitted once being pulled over for doing 150mph in a Ferrari, whilst being orally felated by a young lady. Officers fined him for speeding but failed to notice anything else untoward, being an expert at keeping his torso perfectly still whilst his lower half is entertaining women and the elderly.

My favourites so far
Beyonce was pulled off stage by a male fan in Brazil. That makes a difference from her male fans pulling off to Beyonce on stage.
A rail firm has been fined £75,000 after passengers were stuck on a train in London for more than three hours. Those affected say the firm won't learn their lesson with a fine that's the same price as a single ticket from London to Bournemouth.
Turkey shoots down helicopter on Syrian border. No one is quite sure how he did it.
Benefit cheats in England and Wales could face longer jail terms of up to 10 years. Some offenders see this as a positive move as they will be released just a few days before their original application has been processed
It's official, Coleshill in Warwickshire is the Viagra capital of Britain with 55.87 prescriptions per 1000 men. As the people of the throbbing market town have been hardened by austerity measures the news comes as a timely boost, but they face stiff competition from Wychavon in Worcestershire, second on the list and described as a sleepy little village but very up and coming.
The following was good but maybe it needs a rewrite.
Michael Flatley of Riverdance shame admitted once being pulled over for doing 150mph in a Ferrari, whilst being orally felated by a young lady. Officers fined him for speeding but failed to notice anything else untoward, being an expert at keeping his torso perfectly still whilst his lower half is entertaining women and the elderly.

Michael Flatley admits he always likes to drive while getting sucked off by a pensioner. Nobody notices, he says because "Im an expert at keeping my top half perfectly still while my bottom half is busy entertaining the elderly."

or something like this maybe.

Quote: ash williamson @ September 20 2013, 9:31 AM BST

Michael Flatley of Riverdance shame admitted once being pulled over for doing 150mph in a Ferrari, whilst being orally felated by a young lady. Officers fined him for speeding but failed to notice anything else untoward, being an expert at keeping his torso perfectly still whilst his lower half is entertaining women and the elderly.

View original

Slightly too wordy I think but otherwise fantastic

1So the government is banning all face coverings in public
Who's going to tell the SAS to take their balaclavas off?

2The government is planning to shoot all badgers in the head?
Does this mean Jerry Paxman is getting a shave?

3I don't see what's so incredible about an homeless opera singer.
With the cuts to the arts, there are thousands of them.

4When I first heard it cost £500,000,000 to deal with the Costa Condordia.
I thought they were talking about the Costa Coffee.

5Apple are to introduce 2 new versions of the iphone5.
The iphone5 and the iphone5sawyoucoming

6The first mission in grand theft auto v has been revealed to be,
Stealing a copy of grand theft auto v

7That teacher who gave birth in her classroom?
Some people will do anything to get their first pick school.

8After 2 women in Wolverton claim to be attacked by a tree.
Police arrest John Barrowman.

they were rubbish

Quote: sootyj @ September 22 2013, 9:13 PM BST

7That teacher who gave birth in her classroom?
Some people will do anything to get their first pick school.

View original

Good one.

Berlusconi has said that he agrees with the Italian ban on the use of face coverings in public but would make an exception in the case of Angela Merkel

No 10 has reduced it's catering budget as all the staff now have a healthy breakfast of shredded tweet.