Footie captain sketch

Any thoughts on this one?

ENGLAND FOOTBALL CAPTAIN JOHN SPADGE IS BEING INTERVIEWED BY SPORTS REPORTER VICKY NELSON.

VICKY NELSON:
John, a goalless draw against a very tough Brazilian team. You must have mixed feelings.

JOHN SPADGE:
No, not at all. The lads didn't concede a single goal in the match and that's what it's all about.

VICKY NELSON:
It's certainly true that this England team is proving very hard to score against. That's six games now without letting in a single goal.

JOHN SPADGE:
That's what I mean, see - it's part of our philosophy of the game.

VICKY NELSON:
How do you mean?

JOHN SPADGE:
What the manager keeps drumming into us is that defence is the best form of attack.

VICKY NELSON:
That's certainly an interesting variation on a theme, but seriously there have been concerns in some quarters about the team's lack of scores.

JOHN SPADGE:
But that's not what we're there for. Our job is to stop the opposition from scoring. End of.

VICKY NELSON:
No, it's not. You're supposed to score goals.

JOHN SPADGE:
No, we're not. End of.

VICKY NELSON:
Let's put it this way - there are two sets of goalposts on the pitch, right? One that you defend...

JOHN SPADGE:
Yeah.

VICKY NELSON:
OK, so what's the other set for then?

JOHN SPADGE:
That's the one we defend when we change ends at half time, of course. End of.

VICKY NELSON:
I see. (PAUSE, CUTS AWAY FROM SPADGE) The England football captain John Spadge there. In other sports news, reports are coming through that the England cricket team will be taking a portable wicket guard with them on the upcoming Ashes tour to Australia.

Funny and slightly quirky, I like that.

Good idea. I think the punchline has to be more outlandish - how about an announced cut to an interview with a boxer, and we see a guy in medieval armour and boxing gloves?

I think you've spoilt all potential with the opening line. A nil-nil against a tough team IS generally a good result. A nil-nil against a tough Brazil especially so, at least in most viewers'/listeners' minds. If it was a safe nil-nil against an injury-depleted San Marino I feel you would have a better premise. As it is, all the way through I'm thinking: not a bad result, why is the interviewer being so negative?

I see what you mean Badge. What I was aiming for was the idea that you'd initially think 0-0 against Brazil wasn't bad but then the revelation that England never actually try to score goals would undercut that perception. Seems like it doesn't work though.

Gappy - yes, agree. The cricket thing's a bit provisional. I wanted a second punchline but it's not there yet. The armour thing could work...

On further reflection, I decided to nick your excellent suggestions Gappy & Badge. Here's what it now looks like:

ENGLAND FOOTBALL CAPTAIN JOHN SPADGE IS BEING INTERVIEWED BY SPORTS REPORTER VICKY NELSON.

VICKY NELSON:
John, a goalless draw against San Marino. You must have mixed feelings.

JOHN SPADGE:
No, not at all. The lads didn't concede a single goal in the match and that's what it's all about.

VICKY NELSON:
It's certainly true that this England team is proving very hard to score against. That's seven games now without letting in a goal.

JOHN SPADGE:
That's what I mean, see - it's our philosophy of the game.

VICKY NELSON:
Really? How so?

JOHN SPADGE:
Well, what the manager keeps drumming into us is that defence, right, is the best form of attack.

VICKY NELSON:
That's certainly an interesting variation on a theme, but seriously there have been concerns in some quarters about the team's lack of attacking initiative.

JOHN SPADGE:
What d'you mean?

VICKY NELSON:
You haven't scored a goal in seven games, John. Against the likes of San Marino, Iceland, the Faroe Isles and Paraguay.

JOHN SPADGE:
Yeah, but that's not what we're there for. Our job is to stop the opposition from scoring. End of.

VICKY NELSON:
No, it's not. You're supposed to score goals.

JOHN SPADGE:
No, we're not. End of.

VICKY NELSON:
OK... there are two sets of goalposts on the pitch, right? One that you defend...

JOHN SPADGE:
Yeah.

VICKY NELSON:
So what's the other set for then?

JOHN SPADGE:
That's the one we defend when we change ends at half time, of course. End of.

VICKY NELSON:
I see. (PAUSE, CUTS AWAY FROM SPADGE) The England football captain John Spadge there. We turn now to Jim 'Tinman' Dyson to talk about his incredible transformation from featherweight also-ran to heavyweight boxing superstar. Jim...

CUT TO MAN WEARING MEDIEVAL ARMOUR AND BOXING GLOVES.

That rewrite is much better than the original. Really good.

Thanks.