2525 Plastic Surgery

I have less than 24 hours to write up my other sketch ideas after the dayjob took over for a while and knackered me out. Wish me luck....here's my during-my-lunch-break attempt. It's probs a bit long and the introduction needs rewritten, but if anyone's around I thought I'd just see if the idea was any good.

With so many mutations within the human race, plastic surgeons get a great deal of work tidying up the particular nasty looking ones, saving them from the annual lynching of the uglies by local children.

PLASTIC SURGEON
Mr Beckingsworth? Wah! Sorry! Come in.
Erm, so....what did you er, want to focus on?

MR BECKINGSWORTH
My eyes.

PLASTIC SURGEON
Right...

MR BECKINGSWORTH
I have fists for eyes.

PLASTIC SURGEON
Yes, I can see that...just out of curiosity, why did you chose to focus on the eyes?

MR BECKINGSWORTH
They make me look aggressive, I'm always in fights, and I never win because I have Eton Messes instead of hands, see...

PLASTIC SURGEON
Of course...

MR BECKINGSWORTH
And I can't kick them due to my feet being under my chin.

PLASTIC SURGEON
Right, so you think that if you have eyes for eyes, rather than fists for eyes, you might not get into fights...

MR BECKINGSWORTH
And then it won't matter that I can't defend myself.

PLASTIC SURGEON
I see...erm, I wonder, have you ever thought there may be another reason why you're getting into fights.

MR BECKINGSWORTH
No, it's definitely because I have fists for eyes.

PLASTIC SURGEON
Right, it's just, you do have a rather large scar on your face there.

MR BECKINGSWORTH
Oh, that's no bother.

PLASTIC SURGEON
It's just, it looks rather like you've carved 'One day we mutants will rise and kill you all' on there. Do you think that could be why people are taking offence?

MR BECKINGSWORTH
Oh...I'd never thought about that before.

PLASTIC SURGEON
Well, sometimes it does take someone else to notice these things. Right, well I can remove those scars and that should fix your problem.

MR BECKINGSWORTH
Well you know best, doc. While you're at it, maybe you could remove my tattoos.

PLASTIC SURGEON
Of course, where are they?

MR BECKINGSWORTH
One's just here on the leg shaped like an AK47. And the other's on the arm shaped like the Mutant Republic flag complete with emblem of humans burning and screaming for mercy.

PLASTIC SURGEON
Hmmm....and the tattoos that need removed?

MR BECKINGSWORTH
The one that says peace and the one that says love.

I liked the beginning of this with his fists for eyes and eton messes for hands (although could be something that scans better, like satsumas Or walnuts But having said that isn't the idea it is a physical mutation.I.e body parts in the wrong place not random objects ???....anyway.. ). I think you should have continued along those lines with the feet under the chin etc and gradually build up a visual of what this guy(thing) is. Think you need to look at the punchline again as it went on too long. You only really needed to reveal one self made reason why he was getting into fights (not because of fists for eyes) and that is the punch line. Think you should definitely stick with it. I do love fists for eyes ! Wasn't that from another of your sketches ?

Forgot to say... When the dr says he's got a scar and he replies "that's no bother". I Read it as .,. "That's my brother" and it made me laugh..... Not sure where you would go with that , but just thought I'd say. Good luck, hope you manage to get it in on time.

I don't know if you've sent it in yet but I liked the fists for eyes idea and thought you could have easily built the sketch around that and made it much shorter.
The other body parts bit I don't think work so well as they are more of a visual joke so to me they didn't come across on paper, it got a bit too explainey and him telling the surgeon what body parts / tattoo's he had didn't ring true as the surgeon would be able to see for himself.

I really like it. I think I'd just delete both characters' penultimate lines to tidy the ending.

There are also a few "Right...", "Well...", etc which you might cut back on to make the dialogue snappier.

Great, thanks guys for the last-minute critique. Really useful. I had indeed written fists for eyes in another sketch, but cut it from that and decided to write another sketch around it. I agree that eton messes has to go - it's too wordy and not enough of an image - at one point I wanted him to have fish for hands but it sounds too much like fists....wah time running out!

Don't know if I have time to change the punch much because I need to get these sorted and sent off in the next 40 minutes (lunch break) I'll take out some 'rights' and 'wells' and I reckon I can make it more economic.....phew... I'm just going to have to cross my fingers and hope that in the future I grow some time-management skills!

Thanks for the critique and I'm sorry I ran out of time to have a go at all your suggestions.

I liked Eton Mess. Maybe blancmange? Sherry trifle?

Quote: Badge @ September 13 2013, 12:20 PM BST

I liked Eton Mess. Maybe blancmange? Sherry trifle?

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Ooo...blancmange....I might do blancmange. I've got dead trout at the moment (very flappy), but blancmange sounds good....Maybe there are some other funny-sounding puddings...

Strudle is the best I can offer

Done and sent! And I went with peach melbas in the end. Thanks everybody!