Skit Comp 6 - 18.9.13

Thanks for a cool skitcomp and congratulations to SOOTYJ for winning again. Please get pished as a farth and PM me with a subject for next wank.
With both 2525 and Newsjack heading their ugly rears, this is gonna get the shitty end of the sphincter so I'm leaving my opening clear and giving you two long wanks before entering your funny parts. Mixing my innuendoes. Point is:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Sootyj
2 - 5 - Gappy
1 - Carlos Manwelly
Speckled mention: Tony Kay
Your new subject: OPEN.

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 18.9.13

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Votes - Name
1 - 75!!! - Gappy
2 - 40 - Jakob Jensen, Michael Monkhouse
3 - 20 - Sootyj
4 - 25 - Otterfox
5 - 6 - Carlos Manwelly
6 - 5 - Nick81, Stonked, 404 Not Found, Steve Sunshine

GOBSMACKED

TV STUDIO. BINTIE PIPER sits opposite HERR RASCH and his ventriloquist's dummy:

PRESENTER Good leaving ladles and gentle-pans. I'm your hostess Bintie Piper and well, come - I mean, welcome - to 'It's Magic', the show featuring the world's greatest magicians, or Paul Daniels. Last month we strung up Paul by the tits while wild dogs mauled the carcass of the lovely Debbie McGee: they liked it, but not a lot.

APPLAUSE.

PRESENTER My guest tonight is Dick Rasch, who's set tongues a-wagging all over England, Scotland and the Isle of Man - but not his, for he is a ventriloquist. Herr Rasch, welcome.

RASCH Yes.

PRESENTER Here you are with your dummy...

RASCH F**k off!

PRESENTER I meant you, Dick, with your dummy Nob.

RASCH Entschuldigung.

PRESENTER So come on, wow us with your ventriloqual skills.

RASCH Oh by all the means, jawohl. (coughs; looks at dummy, moves its head, speaks normally) Ha ha! Gottle of geer! Yes, I say.

APPLAUSE.

PAUSE.

PRESENTER Dick I believe your lips moved.

APPLAUSE Yes but his didn't! And they could have, for I am manipulating them with this very useful barbed wire attaching my fist thereto via his anal passage.

PRESENTER The idea is, we don't see YOUR lips move.

RASCH Ah, so I put my hand over my mouth? Would that not muffle the lines? As even Keith Chegwin knows, one projects one's voice so even the tiniest lemming at the rear of the flea-pit may hear.

PRESENTER No - you speak but don't move your lips.

RASCH (laughs) Good Lord lady! And how in the name of Stoke would that be possible? It'd be like walking without use of the limbs, wanking without use of the thumb, castrating a rapist without use of the scythe...

PRESENTER Because 'it's - ladies and gentlemen - magic'!

RASCH (laughs harder) You don't swallow that cock 'n' balls, surely? It's 2013, and you can't tell from my accent but - I'm agnostic.

PRESENTER Can't you try? There are people from Hull in the audience.

RASCH Ah, if you put it like that... 'Mmmm mmmmm mmmmm'.

PRESENTER What was that?

RASCH A fellow agreeing: I see them in trains, they knit their brows and go...

PRESENTER Another please.

RASCH Mmmm mmmm mmmmmmm... A dumb fellow orgasming.

PRESENTER Dick!

RASCH (hums to the National Anthem)... Oh even you must know that, it's the Isle of Man's National Anthem.

PRESENTER That's it. (leaves)

RASCH Lot of good that was.

DUMMY Well you never let me get a f**king word in do you?

I posted some of this before but never finished it off it was just a test and now I have finished it, thought I'd post it for the skit comp:

OPEN MIC NIGHT:

Before I come here to stand in front of you talking shit, I try it out in a comedy forum I found online, all my gags are tried and tested including what I am saying right now, they told me to drop the word shit but I like it, some said it wasn't necessary, others said your shit, and you shouldn't even be standing up let alone doing comedy, but I like standing up, it makes me taller, and I like comedy, and I like to say the word shit, I say it so many times in my routine, that I am now known as the shit comedian. So you lot have just paid to see a shit comedian and they told me on the forums that nobody would pay to see a shit comedian like you.

Being a stand up comic is not easy, my job is to make you laugh I have to work out how to be funny, now my wife it comes easy to her she's a right funny cow, and her mother is even funnier. The pair of them together, are f**king hilarious, they can talk for half an hour about whether to hang the washing on the line or not, "ohh it might rain" "I think I will chance it, the washing is piling up" it goes on an on and in the meantime I got to walk around with shit stains on my pants, I don't mind that so much, but when it starts to build up it makes my arse itch and I hate an itchy arse, it's ok in the house you can scratch it at your pleasure, the problem is when I'm out shopping, or in work. But I carry a toothbrush around with me just in case I can't ignore it.

Anyway this comedy forum, as you might have noticed there is a guy in the corner filming me, when I get home later I'm going to upload the film and post it on the forum to show them, so would you do me a favor even if I am not funny will you all laugh? So when they give me shit later because I am wearing red shoelaces instead of white ones, or they say my material was shit, at least I can say that the audience loved it.

To help you all know which bits to laugh at I will rub my ear, and maybe change it to rubbing my nose as well, because them lot are clever f**kers, someone is bound to notice every time I rub my ear the audience laughs.

That woman in the front, you seem to laugh at everything I say, can you sit closer to the camera for me please, swap places with that guy, the one that's sitting there with his arms folded, looks like he is having a shit. And if some of you wouldn't mind staying after the show so we can do some close up shots, maybe nodding to one another in agreement of how funny I am, and if a few of you could ask for my autograph as well that would be great give me a bit more ammunition.

Anyway thank you very much, I have been a shit comedian, and you have been a shit audience, but after I edit it and throw in the close up shots, it will look like you had the time of your lives, and I was the funniest thing you ever saw.

1: Lovely day.

2: I couldn't have put it better myself, lovely day. Glorious.

1: Just perfect for taking a little journey, wot? Where are you headed?

2: St Ives.

1: Get away! I'm going to St Ives too. Small world.

2: No, it's a very big world, but we're both in the bit that's near St Ives.

1: Fair point. Jolly nice to meet you, anyway.

2: No it's not.

1: I say! That's a bit, err...

2: Oh, no offence meant. It's most pleasant to make your acquaintance, but officially we haven't met.

1: Ah! I see! So, my name's McAlister.

2: Erm, no, that's - oh, right, Stevenson, how do you do?

1: Very well.

2: Wonderful, but, erm, what I meant was that we've not officially met, because we're facing the same direction.

1: We're facing St Ives, but I can't see how that affects our encounter.

2: It doesn't. Oh yes, we've encountered, alright. We've made acquaintance. But we've not met. We'd have to be face to face to meet, that's what "meet" means.

1: No it's not. It means "converge" and "come upon", and "suitable" - although the last one is just clouding the matter, so let's ignore that - but it doesn't meet "converge or come upon whilst angled towards diamtrically opposed cardinal points".

2: Yes, granted, but I think we should agree, for the nonce if not in perpetuity, that "meet" means "encounter face to face". That way, it will avoid any confusion if this scene near St Ives should ever be described by someone.

1: Who?

2: Well, let's just say. Maybe I'll do it. And then, you see, I could list any number of people I might *meet*, but, because we have agreed that "meet" means "encounter face to face" -

1: I didn't.

2: Well, let's just say - then I could enumerate a cast of people that I *meet*, but it won't affect the number of people going to St Ives, which will be one. Me. I'm going to St Ives, and all the other people I *meet* - let's just say there's quite lot of them, perhaps in a mathematically confusing configuration - aren't going to St Ives. Just me. One.

1: But I'm going to St Ives.

2: Oh yes. I forgot that. Well, OK, maybe two.

1: And I passed an old gent a few miles back, you must have seen him.

2: Yeah, alright, but apart from him.

1: Plus, St Ives is a major conurbation, there's more than one road into it. I suspect that there are a number of other people going to St Ives at this juncture whom we can't see.

2: Quote possibly, but -

1: And, I mean, at what point can one be said to be "going to St Ives"? There might be someone in Dutch East India this minute, finishing off his rendang, putting on his batik, stepping from his rumah gadang, and intending to wend his merry way to St Ives.

2: Of course, that's feasible, yet -

1: So, to sum up, it's incredibly difficult to identify precisely how many people are going to St Ives at any given point, regardless of the tally of head-on collisions you might have drawn up along the way.

2: Alright!! Alright, let's just drop it! Can't we? Forget about the number of people going to St Ives!

1: Alright.

2: Alright!

1: Seeing as it is such a lovely day.

2: And it is a lovely day. [Pause, then shouted] Oh, get out of the road, you idiots!

2: [Shouting] Get those wives out of the way!

1: I tell you, these new mormon cat salesmen are the giddy limit.

A little poem for you!

I ran to the mountains to get away from the hills,
I took all the tablets to make up for the pills,
I drank all the lager to avoid drinking liqueur,
I walked to the bus stop as it would be quicker,
I stood in the rain to hide from the storm
I climbed in the igloo so I could keep warm,
I jumped on the ground to avoid falling under
I rewrote the story so I couldn't plunder,
I counted my sheep to keep me awake
I had lunch with a cow and we both ordered steak,
I married my wife so we could divorce,
I went for a stroll on my local golf course,
I opened the box so it wasn't shut,
I ordered a sandwich from pizza hut,
I went to the library and painted it read,
I realised I can't write poems so I stopped!!!

FRODO IS IN HIS HOBBIT HOLE GANDALF STORMS IN HE HAS A BIN BAG.

FRODO
Gandalf what is it? Is Middle Earth in peril? Has the Dark Lord Sauron returned?

GANDALF
A terrible evil is upon the land! It's agents are everywhere spying on all. You must take the sack of evil and burn it in Mount Doom.

FRODO
What is in this sack of monstrousness?

GANDALF
Don't look it's too evil, oh you've gone and looked.

FRODO
Hang on this is just rubbish; there are banana skins, coke cans and there are even a couple of syringes. Is this your rubbish? It's unrecyclable you irresponsible villain.

GANDALF
I am one of the Eloi the ancient 7 wizards who are eternal. I can not be expected to learn the mysteries of why the black battery bin is 10 times the size of the food waste bin.

FRODO
So this is evil is actually you wanting me to burn your hazardous waste so you can avoid a fine?

GANDALF
Too late my brave young friend the evil agents of the council have already fined me. I survived just...but the next fine is double it could destroy me.

FRODO
No wander Sauron was always sending his legions of Orcs to rape Middle Earth. When you're fly tipping in his f**king volcano!

GANDALF
So that's a no then? I'm going to have to travel all the way to Narnia now.

SAM GAMGEE WALKS IN WITH A BAG.

SAM
Oh come now Mr Frodo sir, you do go on.

SAM'S BAG RIPS OPEN AND COPIES OF "Hot lesbian elf porn" SPILL ALL OVER THE CARPET.

FRODO
I think you'd better go Gandalf. Me and Sam need to have a long discussion about our relationship.

Sketch. Two budgies in a cage.

Mrs Budgie: I wish you wouldn't shit there.

Mr Budgie: What?

Mrs Budgie: Don't shit there!

Mr Budgie: Where do you want me to shit? Do you want me to fly up to the toilet like the people on the telly?

Mrs Budgie: What are you on about. Just don't shit there it goes all over the seeds.

Mr Budgie: What? Oh yes I've never noticed that before. He must have moved the perch. Sorry. I'll just fly over there next to the mirror.
Whos a pretty boy then eh? Whos a pretty boy? Kiss kiss

Mrs Budgie: You do realisethat's really gay don't you?

Mr Budgie: Ooh your jealous are you? Do you fancy a shag eh? Go on Turn round

Mrs Budgie: No I'd rather not I've got a headache. Anyway I'm fed up of you. I've met someone else. I've found a lovely budgie in the mirror and she really understands me. I think I'm in love.

Mr Budgie: Your calling me gay and you've left me for a f***ing woman. How could you, I mean, What the f**k am I supposed to do now eh?

Mrs Budgie: Well you can go out with your boyfriend in the mirror.

Mr Budgie: He's not my boyfriend he's boring, he just repeats everything I say. Besides I'm tired of this role playing game. (He takes off his costume) Come on Lets have a shag and go to sleep.

Mrs Budgie ignores him and talks to mirror : I love you sexy yes I love you too. I love you too. Yes I love you too......

Voiceover: And now on CBBC, it's time for a Newsround special report...

Presenter: Hello and welcome to Newsround, the show that doesn't talk down to you just because you don't know what patronise means.

Civil wars are no laughing matter. Today on Newsround, we're getting Syria's.

<Intro music plays>

Presenter: Syria is a country in the Middle East. We call it the Middle East because it's about halfway to the Far East, where all the useful stuff in your house comes from.

The Middle East is also where Jesus comes from. Other religions are available, but let's face it you're already getting bullied at school so why draw more attention to yourself?

The main exports of the Middle East are oil, and shouty men with beards who we're trying to send back.

Sometimes it can be hard to tell who are the goodies and who are the baddies. This all depends on who our politicians like. If we like the government, the BBC calls them "democratically elected". If we think the goverment are bad people, we call them a "regime" and the people fighting against them "freedom fighters".

This can change really quickly, so make sure your parents are always watching BBC News 24 just so you know what's happening. And so the presenters don't feel lonely.

Sometimes in wars, nasty people (the ones we don't like, remember) do some bad things to the good people. It's never the other way around, no matter what you might hear from elsewhere. Sometimes they even use gas, and not the funny kind that comes out of your bottom. Imagine when your brother holds your head under the covers after he's trumped. It's much, much worse than that.

We would show you some of the nasty things they do, but we can't because it might upset you. Just go back to blowing the heads off dogs on Call of Duty and we'll show you when you're older.

So in summary, in Syria the "regime" (bad people, remember?) are doing "bad things" to the "freedom fighters" and we should all be really angry about it. Particularly as they are doing it with weapons they didn't buy from us in the first place.

That's all for now. Tomorrow on Newsround, sexual predators on Facebook and how to pretend to be one.

INT: AUTOSHOW WITH DEBUTS, CONCEPT CARS AND OUT-OF-PRODUCTION CLASSICS. AN OLDER MAN STOPS BY A FUTURISTIC LOOKING CAR. A REPRESENTATIVE FROM THE CAR COMPANY APPROACH HIM.

ANGUS: Wow that car really looks smart.

REPRESENTATIVE: It's something really special I can guarantee you that.

ANGUS: Yeah?

REPRESENTATIVE: This car is specially designed from the develop team behind words, excel and windows 8. They made an experimental crossover to the car industry and this car is the result. You will experience the same sophisticated technology and intuitive experience with this car as with their software products.

ANGUS: It sounds too complicated for me.

REPRESENTATIVE: No no it's easy. Give it a try.

ANGUS SITS HIMSELF IN THE FRONTSEAT OF THE CAR.

ANGUS: Where is the steering wheel?

REPRESENTATIVE: The car uses a keyboard. It's on your right. You use the arrows up, down, left and right to steer the car.

ANGUS: Oh dear and so many buttons everywhere, I have never seen so many buttons in my life. What is these three buttons for?

REPRESENTATIVE: That one is for finding nearest gas station in the area, that one is checking weather forecast and that one is vibrating your seat.

ANGUS: Where is the radio?

REPRESENTATIVE: You activate the radio by holding this shift button in, and then all the buttons gets new functions and then you press that one and that's the radio.

ANGUS: Like this?

ANGUS PRESSES THE SHIFT BUTTON AND THEN THE RADIO BUTTON.

F/X: A ringing tone then a voice "This is the auto help how can I help you?"

REPRESENTATIVE: (Speaking to a microphone on dashboard) Sorry false alarm it's just us from auto show. (representative presses a button and the telephone voice disappear). If you don't hold the shift button in then you don't reach the other functions. You were just calling an auto help right now.

ANGUS: Oh is so complicated. How does the car start? I can't see any ignition in here.

REPRESENTATIVE: On the touch screen in the ceiling. Just touch the screen and you will see the start button.

ANGUS TOUCHES THE BLACK TOUCH SCREEN AND A GREEN START BUTTON APPEARS

ANGUS: I would have never guessed.

REPRESENTATIVE: Try start the car.

ANGUS PRESSES THE START BUTTON AND THE ENGINE BEGINS A SILIENT ROAR.

ANGUS: The engine sounds good.

REPRESENTATIVE: It's a hybrid car. So the engine runs very smooth.

ANGUS: Nice. Where do I turn off it again?

REPRESENTATIVE: On the touch screen.

ANGUS PRESSES THE TOUCH SCREEN WITH HIS FINGER.

ANGUS: I can see camera function, stock markets, world clock, calculator, skype, latest news and sports news. But no turn off button

REPRESENTATIVE: It's like a smart phone you have flip the menu screens.

ANGUS: (Flipping the menus on the touch screen) I can't see any turn off button.

REPRESENTATIVE: You have to touch the lower left corner, then click twice, then press the circle on lower right in the new menu and select lock screen. The press name of car owner in upper right corner and select turn off.

ANGUS: oh dear.

ANGUS PRESSES DIFFERENT PLACE ON THE TOUCH SCREEN.

REPRESENTATIVE: Now you just bought a new sofa to car owner's account.

ANGUS: Let me get out of this car right now, before I initiate a drone attack somewhere in the world. I may be driving an old man's car but I'm not responsible for crashing the international stock markets while trying parallel parking before Wednesday night bingo.

CHILDS SCREAM, LITTLE FEET RUNNING

CHILDaddy, daddy, there's a monster in my room.

DADSleepy) What have I told you before Harriet?

CHILDBreathless) to knock before I come in?

DAD:And?

CHILD:If I dream I'm swimming then I've probably wet the bed?

DAD:I told you that? Genius. Now Harriet, back to bed you go....you didn't dream you were swimming did you?

CHILD:No daddy, but the monster...

DAD:It's 3 o clock in the morning, the monster obviously doesn't have a 5.30 alarm call, the monster obviously doesn't have a two hour commute followed by the unseemly moshpit that is the Northern Line before being accosted in the tunnel by the 'music' of 'buskers' who in all probability are living rent free in a nice little pied-a-terre in Little Venice, while your father on the other hand has to work...

CHILD:But the monster ...

DAD:The monster obviously then doesn't have to sit across from Jackson and listen to his incessant whining about how his wife went cold on him and the only time they touch is when their hands brush as she passes him his egg sandwiches, which by the way STINK, can't he just have cheese and pickle, just once...

CHILD:But daddy...the monster...

DADbecoming distraught) The monster obviously has NEVER had to endure the humiliation of being overlooked for promotion only to see a foetus from Waltham Cross waltz in and take the job from under his most painfully disjointed schnoz...Billy Myers, knee straight in the mush, 1986, July. I bet the monster has never been kneed in the schnoz leaving him with chronic sinusitis and more than a passing resemblance to Henry Cooper.

CHILDaddy...

DADinconsolable) I bet the monster has never had the girls in resale's sneer with pity when he thought vajazzle was a jazz funk band, I'm getting old, I bet the monster's not getting old (Weeping loudly) I WANT TO BE THE MONSTER.

CHILDaddy...

DADSniffling loudly) yes?

CHILD:Can I go back to bed now? I think the monsters gone.

Ooh it was close Oooh it was so close OOOOh it was closer than that election that George Bush won. I had to do a recount thrice but my vote goes to
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My vote goes to
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Ooh I nearly changed my mind
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Gappy

Quote: tony kay @ September 18 2013, 11:06 PM BST

Ooh it was close Oooh it was so close OOOOh it was closer than that election that George Bush won. I had to do a recount thrice but my vote goes to
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My vote goes to
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Ooh I nearly changed my mind
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Funny haha!

View original

Just like the George w bush elections I think someone might be trying to rig to the votes!!!!!!

I liked Haha's poem, it made a very nice change from the usual sketches, and I was a big fan of Sooty's concept, but my vote goes to Shandonbelle.

Shandy gets my vote nice silly character sketch

shandonbelle