Stand-up 1#

Hey,

I just started in the "stand-up-business". So before I go to an open-mic evening I thought about to post my jokes here
I had to translate it from german to english, so ah.. ...judge me..
I am not a pro, but if I start something, I want to be really good.
So this are my first jokes ever:

Ladies and gentleman, my name is johnny. I work part-time in the securitybusiness and in the quality management.
So, I am testing continuously condoms.
Full-time, I study at the University of xxx, because they sympasthize with my view:
Sleep is important. ...With alcohol even better.
Speaking of alcohol, I have a girlfriend for two years now.
I am together since...ever. She is with me everytime. But, we also had the famous short break.
...that was when I broke my right Hand...
My friends and elders say: "Go out, there are so many girls, they are waiting for you"
yeah sure...,but I tried it and I went to a singlebar.
Not usually my etablissement, but what would you do if ur running out of chash for the stripclub?
Long story short, it was funny. I danced, looked around and then...
I met a good looking girl.
Well, a 14 year old which picked up from the floor and carried out.
You know...It didn't work out...
So at the next day, I went to the church. To confess...I like that, it's really relieving.
Because I always got remembered, that there are much worse people then me.

Pls rate and feel free to bomb me

Lost in translation perhaps ?

I'm sorry, I know your English is much better then my German but it didn't make any sense, I hope your going to be performing it in German or the audience is more likely to be laughing at you than with you! sorry

It's perfect - don't change a word.

Quote: beaky @ September 4 2013, 1:50 PM BST

It's perfect - don't change a word.

View original

Now that's funny!

I think there are possibly some promising ideas here, but the language isn't nearly fluent or idiomatic enough - it needs a lot of polishing before it could work in English.

And the punchlines are too direct. For instance, you could probably get a decent joke out of the first couple of lines, but instead of stating directly that you test condoms, how about implying it so that the audience can fill in the gaps, and add a spot of innuendo at the same time?

Like, 'I used to work in security. And quality management. At the same time. Had to give it up though. (pause) I mean, Don't you just hate the taste of rubber in your mouth at night?'

Or something.

In Kazakhstan.....

Thank you all for the honesty
And Rupe, that's a decent advice! THX

This is my favourite bit...

Sleep is important. ...With alcohol even better.
Speaking of alcohol, I have a girlfriend for two years now.
I am together since...ever. She is with me everytime. But, we also had the famous short break.
...that was when I broke my right Hand...