INT. SWEET SHOP. DAY.
A CUSTOMER ENTERS THE SHOP, CAUSING THE BELL TO TINKLE, THE SHOP KEEPER LOOKS UP AND HIS GAZE MEETS THE CUSTOMER.
SHOP KEEPER
Hello sir, can I help you?
CUSTOMER
I fancy an ice cream.
SHOP KEEPER
Well then I regret to inform you, you may have stumbled into the wrong establishment, I fear you want a physiatrist to help you over this unnatural frozen dairy produce love obsession you have.
CUSTOMER
I mean to eat
SHOP KEEPER
Ah, then ignore my previous statement, you have indeed come to the right place. For I have over 6 flavours of ice-cream.
THE SHOP KEEPER GESTURES TO THE ICE CREAM FREEZER AS THOUGH IT WERE A THING OF WONDER. THE CUSTOMER APPROACHES IT. HE NOTICES A VERY ODD BLACK AND WHITE ICE CREAM TUB.
CUSTOMER
What flavours’ that one?
SHOP KEEPER
That sir is the finest badger flavour ice cream, very rare indeed from an ancient recipe from a tribe in deepest Borneo.
CUSTOMER
Do they have badgers in Borneo?
SHOP KEEPER
Not any more sir.
HE INDICATES THE TUB AND WINKS
CUSTOMER
What does badger even taste like?
SHOP KEEPER
Well its £2 per scoop.
CUSTOMER
Oh what the heck let me try it
THE SHOPKEEPER PUTS A SCOOP INTO A CONE AND HANDS IT TO THE CUSTOMER WHO GIVES HIM £2. THE CUSTOMER TAKES A LICK.
CUSTOMER
This isn’t badger flavour it’s banana.
SHOP KEEPER
Have you ever tasted a badger before?
CUSTOMER
Well no but…
SHOP KEEPER (INTERRUPTS)
Ever seen a badger ambling by
(LOOKS ROUND FURTIVELY)
and taken a lick?
(MIMES LICKING A BADGER)
CUSTOMER
Your being silly now.
SHOP KEEPER
Am I? Am I claiming that something doesn’t taste like something I’ve never tasted before?
CUSTOMER
No... But I’m pretty sure they don’t taste like Banana.
SHOP KEEPER
How sure are you? How much do you know about badgers?
CUSTOMER
Well…
THE LIGHTS GO OFF AND A SPOTLIGHT APPEARS ON THE CUSTOMER. THE SHOP KEEPER PRODUCES A NUMBER OF QUIZ CARD.
SHOP KEEPER
Which ‘family’ or animals does the badger belong to?
CUSTOMER
Erm.. Rodent.
SHOP KEEPER
Was that a guess?
CUSTOMER (EXCITED)
Yes
SHOP KEEPER
Explains why it was so completely incorrect. They belong to the Mustelidae family. What is the collective noun for badgers?
CUSTOMER
Troupe?
SHOP KEEPER
Wrong again, it’s Clan. How many species of badgers are there?
CUSTOMER
7
A BEEP BEEP BEEP NOISE IS HEARD AND THE LIGHTS COME ON.
SHOP KEEPER
Your time is up, the correct answer is 8. On the subject of Badgers you scored no points with no passes
CUSTOMER
I was pretty close on the last one.
SHOP KEEPER
Pretty close isn’t good enough, their are no medals for second place.
CUSTOMER
Yes, there are, they normally give you a silver one.
SHOP KEEPER (NARROWS EYES)
Really
HE PRODUCES A SILVER MEDAL FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER AND PUTS IT AROUND THE CUSTOMERS NECK, THEN SHAKES HIS HAND AND POSES FOR A PREVIOUSLY UNSEEN PRESS PHOTOGRAPHER.
SHOP KEEPER
Well there you go, now gettouta here.
END
