First attempt at a sketch

Sketch - Homophobe

Scene - Mens Toilets. One cubicle is occupied. Three men walk in and use the urinals. Two stand next to each other and one stands one away from the other two. Suddenly the cubicle opens and one man walks out doing up his flies. Another man walks walks out licking his lips. They both go to the sinks.

cubicle man 1

Ok Steven, thanks for that. Same time next week

Steven

You'v got my number.

Steven looks into the mirror and see's the guys at the urinals and all three have looked over to them. Cubicle Man 1 is admiring himself in the mirror. Steven walks over to the urinal men.

Urinal Man 1

He's coming over... Stop it, don't make me laugh or I'll piss all over my shoe..

Steven

OMG, why are you standing next to each other at the urinal? That's sooooo gay.

Urinal Man 2

Wait, wha.?

Urinal Man 1

Weren't you just in a cubicle with that man over there?

Steven

Are you accusing me of being gay? HOW DARE YOU!! Look at you, look at what you're doing. That's gay that is. That's so ridiculously and homosexually gay. Standing next to each other to expel urine from your manpipes? Did you just look at his? Omg!!

Urinal Man 3

Look we're just trying to piss in peace

STEVEN

Oh I see. Do you stand over here, away from them so you can look at them pissing from a distance? That's soooooooooo gay.

urinal Man 3

Come on, this has to be a joke..

Steven

Oh theres no joke about it. Do you stand over here in case you get an erection? That soooooo gay...

Steven notices that the two men standing next to each other have finished.

Steven

Come on come on, those two over there have finished! Come on! Oh hang onthat's quite a nice thing you've got there

Urinal Man 3

Excuse me?

Steven - Walking over to his cubicle man.

Come on Jeffrey we're leaving.

Steven looks back over to the urinal guys.

Steven

Bunch of Poofs!

It's a good idea but I dunno it doesn't hang together somehow.

I think you need to give it some more logic.

Like Steve doesn't think blow jobs are gay, or he thought he was sucking puss out of a wound.

I like the phrase "That's so ridiculously and homosexually gay".

You could perhaps reverse it, and have Steve walk in and start to tell these weeing men that they're gay, whilst they try to ignore the odd man. Then, at the end, the cubicle door swings open to reveal a veritable Quentiin Crisp type, who says, "come on, Steve, I'll not wait all day", to which Steve hurries into the cubicle.

The trick will be to avoid, "ho ho gays in toilets are funny" because that's going nowhere, and concentrate on the paradox of Steve's character. POtentially funny stuff.

Yeah, there doesn't seem to be much logic going on here at the moment. There's a hint of potential in the concept of a 'quite obviously' gay man accusing straight men of being gay. Although, Catherine Tate did a not identical, but similar idea with the 'How Very Dare you?!' character.

It's a bit school-humourish to me. If I saw a sketch group act this out, I'm not sure I'd want to see anything else they were going to do.

But for a first sketch, it's not too bad.

I think it's silly and not very funny, I can see where your going but I can't see anyone liking the idea! its just a little to obvious and has no surprises, well written for a first attempt, but needs more jokes ! (Mind you I watched Catherine Tates "How very dare you!" and thought that was a load of crap! so it could just be me!!!

Fatty Otters - I think you brought the character of Steven to life very well, and the idea of a Gay man being homophobic does have potential. However, not sure the sketch worked in it's current form. Just seemed like a vehicle for childish gay insults. I liked Gappy's idea of reversing it so you don't find out he's Gay until the end.
Anyway, great effort for first attempt . ( I am new to this also, so writing that seems patronising, but mean it in a genuinely encouraging way)

Well I actually found it very funny, and I could see Steven as a recurring character in a sketch show. I would say that bits of it need to be tightened up but overall I liked it. If that is your first sketch writing attempt then well done!

Def.