Skit Comp 26.8 - 3.9.13

Thanks for an unusually active skitcomp and congratulations to SOOTYJ for winning. Please get pished as a farth and PM me with a subject for next wank... As I say to my wife, apologies for not getting it up earlier. I've been computerless and quite liked it - a bit like those tossers who spend three billion quid on a phone then you say, 'How was your weekend?' - 'Great, switched me phone off, bitta peace 'n' quiet.' Anyway:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Sootyj
1 - 5 - Nick 81, Jakob Jensen, Gappy

Your new subject: COURTROOM TRIAL (suggested by Jakob Jensen) or EXPLORATION (suggested by Gappy).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 3.9.13

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Votes - Name
1 - 70!!! - Gappy
2 - 40 - Jakob Jensen, Michael Monkhouse
3 - 25 - Otterfox
4 - 10 - Sootyj
5 - 5 - Nick81, Stonked, 404 Not Found, Steve Sunshine, Carlos Manwelly

Here's my Entry:

INT. COURTROOM DAY,

JUDGE
Mr Tom Smith, You stand before this court charged with breaking into the gallery of Mr Jones and Stealing a portrait of yourself you had commissioned him to paint, before I sentence you, do you have anything you wish to say to the court?

TOM
I Was Framed!

THE ONE RONNIE

RINGO STARR on a stool with a book:

RINGO Good afternoon boys and girls and you and welcome to Jack-a-whory. I'm Ringo Starr and I used to be in the Fab Four - sorry, the Fab Three and Me. Today's Thomas The Tank Engine is all about a real tanker, Ronnie Littles, and his Great Train Robbery. Now you may ask why anyone would want to steal a train, unless it was full of smack and prostitutes - f**k knows, which is what I'm often called.
Now Ronnie Littles was known to his friends as Clitoris: turning into a c**t. He saw these friends work nine-to-five, support families and donate money to Africa, and thought, F**k that. I'm gonna steal a lot of money, bludgeon some poor innocent f**ker senseless and become a celebrity for no reason at all. A true example to us all.
So successful was he that he's now in Brazil, the c**t - sorry, Brazil, the country that brought us irritating self-obsessed women with rings on their fingers and bells on their toes, men who make Jim Davidson look like Germaine Greer, and Lou - as in bog - Bega: (sings) 'Gotta girl in Paris, gotta girl in Rome, even gotta girl in the Vatican Dome,' strange 'cos you look like a right poof. Should he set foot outside, said foot'll get blown up quicker than Jimmy Savile's cock during 'Play School' now then, now then, now then. Ronnie's also proud of working with the Sex Pistols but it was the Pistols without John Lydon or Sid Vicious which is like the Spice Girls without Sporty or Ginger. Or Posh or Scary. Or the other one... Ronnie also sells fake bank notes with his face on, but I recommend 'Shaven Ravers', that's packed with arseholes, balding c**ts and spouting dick heads too, and it's a lot cheaper.
Well children, I hope you've enjoyed our little delve into the past. Next week I'll tell you about Ronnie Littles' accomplice, a bright-eyed, fork-tailed red little fellow.

my vote goes to funny haha!

[CAPT STARSPAN, resplendent in silvery jumpsuit, stands behind a stand covered in mikes. It's a press conference, although we never see the JOURNALISTS, who are all off screen]

JOURNALIST1: Welcome back from your latest mission, Captain Starspan. How did it feel to explore the uncharted vasts of the galaxy?

CAPT: Space is mental! Seriously.

J2: And, I understand your mission was to discover, and make peaceful contact with, as many different extra-terrestrial life-forms as possible. Was that a success?

CAPT: Totally. 100% a success scenario situation, yes. I met, oh, loads of different alien beings. Tons.

J3: And what were these aliens like?

CAPT: What weren't they like, more like! Every shape and size you can imagine.

J1: A seven-legged wasp?

CAPT: Ah, no, not that. But pretty much any other shape you can imagine.

J2: A helicopter lizard on wheels?

CAPT: Err, no obviously not that shape, that's ridiculous. But, you know, most of the others.

J1: Captain, can you give us an example?

CAPT: Erm, well, there were these really short ones.

J2: How short?

CAPT: Oooh, about the same size as a human dwarf. Yeah, pretty much exactly that height.

J3: Um, anything a little more unusual? Did you, for instance, come across any tiny alien species, around the size of a microbe?

CAPT: No, course not. And in any case, how would I have seen them? Think it through, son.

J2: Did the exhibit different skin pigmentation, Captain?

CAPT: Oh, what? Did they? Seriously, some of them were white and some them were black and...everything. Except, it totally looked like they were wearing coloured contact lenses and stuff.

J1: And how many limbs did they have?

CAPT: Limbs? Well, two legs, naturally, and your basic two arms...

J1: It sounds as though every species you encountered was remarkably similar in corporeal form to humanity, against all expectations, is that fair to say, Captain?

CAPT: No, not at all. There's this one species I met, and they had, like, big enormous foreheads and wrinkly brows. Totally alien, I couldn't believe it, I was pretty freaked out.

J2: They don't sound very alien.

CAPT: Aren't you listening? Big wrinkly foreheads. Like the Tefal man stuck on a crossword.

J3: And what was the society of this race like, were you able to build relationsips?

CAPT: Actually, yes. But they were sort of angry and obsessed by honour. Basically, they were like how you'd imagine medieval Japanese people were, if you'd never bothered to find out anything about them. Mad!

GENERAL: [Entering frame] Ladies and gentlemen of the press, that's just about al we have time for, the Captain is very tired after his trials. Just one last question, perhaps.

J1: What do you say to the allegations that the Chinese are working on a space xeno-reconnaissance programme, and might be about to send an astronaut up to break any allegiances we may have made?

GENERAL: Well, I won't lose too much sleep over that story.

J1: Do you think that the Chinese don't have the technological wherewithal, then?

CAPT: No, it's just all the aliens speak English! Seriously, of all the luck...

Well it mentions a trial so it kinda fits

THE GRUMPY EXECUTIONER (GE) AND HIS CHEERFUL AIDE (CA) STAND EITHER SIDE OF A CONDEMNED AND HOODED MAN WITH A NOOSE AROUND HIS NECK (CM) THE GE HAS HIS HAND ON THE LEAVER

GE
You have been found guilty by a jury of your peers and sentenced to death any final word before I carry out sentence?

CA
Who are you talking to?

CM
Tee hee.

GE
The condemned man.

CA
Who?

CM
Tee hee, hee.

GE
Him with the rope around his neck, the one we're about to execute.

CA
Who?

GE
Him!

GE GRABS CM AND SHAKES HIM ROUGHLY

CA
Oh him sorry mate, I said he wouldn't play along.

CM BURSTS INTO TEARS

CM
It was my last wish, I whispered it to your mate when you took me from the cells. I want to play one game of hide and seek before they hang me, just one.

CA
He loves hide and seek, but his parents were strict Mormons didn't believe in hiding stuff. It's why he killed all those prostitutes and buried their corpses in the wood.

CM
It was my way of playing hide and seek with the cops.

CM
But they found you in the end eh?

CM & CA LAUGH CONSPIRATORALLY.

GE
Oh go on then, one more game if it is his last wish.
CA
So shut your eyes sir and count to ten.

CM
And no peaking.

GE PUTS HIS HANDS OVER HIS EYES

GE
1,2,3,4,5 coming ready or not.
GE UNCOVERS HIS EYES
Where's that naughty boy gone?

CA
Prisoner escape!

GE
No wait!

CA HITS A PANIC BUTTON, LOUD SIRENS GO OFF AND 12 HEAVILY ARMED GUARDS BURST IN.

CHIEF GUARD
We heard there was a death row breakout, wait he's right there. What's going on?

GE
We were playing hide and seek sorry sir, won't do it again.

CHIEF GUARD
This is going in my report!

GE PULLS THE LEVER DROPPING CM THROUGH THE TRAPDOOR

CA
Where's he gone?

GE
I hate you so very much.

INT: A courtroom setting filled with Zebras. The lawyers, the judge, the jury, the spectators are all zebras. In the witness stand is sitting a big Lion.

JUDGE: Mr. Rick Lion did you kill and eat Mr. Harry Zebra?

MR RICK LION: What?

JUDGE: We have an eye witness who saw you eat Mr. Harry Zebra.

MR RICK LION: Bollocks. I told Louie a 100 times he shouldn't bring his veggie girlfriend to family dinner.

INTERNAL COURTROOM

Judge: Can we call the first witness please?

Usher: Albert Fontague to the stand please

ALBERT TAKES TO THE STAND, SWEARS ON THE BIBLE.

Judge: Mr Fontague do you recognize the man sitting in the dock?

Albert: No, I have never seen him before in my life.

Judge: But you made a witness statement, and also identified him in a line up as the man who assaulted you.

Albert: Well I can tell you now. He is not the person that attacked me.

Judge: Are you absolutely positive, and please remember before you answer the question that you are under oath.

Albert: This is embarrassing I am so sorry

ALBERT LOOKS AT THE MEMBERS OF THE JURY OFFERING AN APOLOGY

Judge: its ok take all the time you need, this is extremely important.

Albert: No it's not that, but could you maybe ask him to take off his wig?

Judge: Pardon

Albert: He doesn't look anything like him, but it could be the wig, if he took it off I could tell for sure.

ALBERT LOOKS TO THE MEMBERS OF THE JURY AGAIN

The Judge raises his voice at Albert

Judge: Mr. Fontague, the man sitting in the dock is not wearing a wig, his head is bald, we can all see that.

Albert: Oh sorry I thought you said the man sitting in the frock, not the man sitting in the dock, my hearing has gone terrible lately.

ALBERT POINTS AT THE JURY

STEPHANIE WHO USED TO BE CALLED STEVE SHIFTS UNCOMFORTABLY IN HER SEAT.

Scene-Old Bailey.
Judge: Bring the defendant in.
Judge:You stand here today charged with not cleaning your room.
Defendant in dock(small boy): Mother, are you sure this is strictly legal.
Judge: Silence in court. Don't get cocky with the judge son, and its bring your children to work day so everyones cool about it. Anyway a couple of years in an adult prison will toughen you up. Don't tidy your room up in there and you'll get what's coming you son of a bitch.

Tossing. Gappy just over Sootyj.

I thought Tony's twist on "Bring your kids to work day" was clever, but I shall give my bays to Sooty, those two are just funny characters, I alwasy enjoy seeing them turn up.

I almost took the prize away again because this sketch has been on here before, but there's no rules about that (and I did it myself once, so, you know, let he who lives in a glass house cast the first stone from the beam in his eye for a tooth, yeah?).

Sooty for me, burying bodies in the woods because he wasn't allowed to play hide and seek, I like that.

Sootyj

Gappy nice skit

SootyJ.

When did that old curmudgeon become the new darling of the skitcomp.
I'm feeling a comeback coming on.
Unless the next subject is too difficult.