Quote: Tim Azure @ August 23 2013, 7:00 PM BSTI've kind of lost why it needs to be 2525.
It's the stigmatisation of being fat - obesity classed alongside drug addiction and the demonisation of foods.
I might take the robot element out - I deliberately chose to write something that wasn't just future technology focused, but future society focused too. Not saying I've succeeded, but that was the plan.
Quote: Jennie @ August 23 2013, 7:08 PM BSTIt's the stigmatisation of being fat - obesity classed alongside drug addiction and the demonisation of foods.
I might take the robot element out - I deliberately chose to write something that wasn't just future technology focused, but future society focused too. Not saying I've succeeded, but that was the plan.
It is a good effort but it doesn't have a futuristic element to it, you need more robots, the judge, would be a robot or the magistrates, or maybe even the usher, or even space dust instead of sherbert dip. it needs more cow bell
Hi Jennie,
Just listened to latest 2525 they had a sketch about chocolate being the new drug.
Was different to your sketch but it might be worth making a polite enquiry as to who wrote the one they broadcast, to make sure you didn't inspire it...
Jennie, in addition to agreeing with the criticism you've already received, I've noticed you always seem particularly reasonable and dignified from your general posts; but I think you could profit from stepping outside that persona to become nastier to your characters in your comedy-writing. It all seems a bit too 'nice'.
Comedy is violence redirected
I like the general idea, but I think it needs to be a bit more twisted to be worthwhile. Maybe sweets and chocolate could be OK if prescribed by a doctor for medicinal purposes? Maybe the white powder is only heroin? Maybe the arrestee is an undercover policeman trying to entrap bent coppers? Or something.
Well, as has been hinted :
Quote: Shandonbelle @ 20th August 2013, 10:38 PM BST... it's not the most original of subjects.
Co-incidentally for a thread titled 2525, the idea of sugar being outlawed was a feature of Judge Dredd in 2000AD (written in the late 70's).
Gosh, how utterly delightful to see this little thing resurrected, like a slightly underwhelming Lazarus.
Playfull, thanks for the heads up, will check. Although as has been said, it isn't a particularly original idea. Mind you, I continue to believe it is a fairly sound idea, but needs something to freshen it up.
I hope the 2525 sketch managed to find that.
Quote: Nogget @ 14th January 2014, 10:26 AM GMTJennie, in addition to agreeing with the criticism you've already received, I've noticed you always seem particularly reasonable and dignified from your general posts; but I think you could profit from stepping outside that persona to become nastier to your characters in your comedy-writing. It all seems a bit too 'nice'.
Thank you for the compliment Nogget. 
Do you mind expanding upon the "too nice" bit? I can think of several ways it could apply, but would love your thoughts.
If it assists, Legal Privilege now has a cancer joke, inspired by the wonderful and usually inappropriate Soots.
Quote: Rupe @ 14th January 2014, 11:14 AM GMTI like the general idea, but I think it needs to be a bit more twisted to be worthwhile. Maybe sweets and chocolate could be OK if prescribed by a doctor for medicinal purposes? Maybe the white powder is only heroin? Maybe the arrestee is an undercover policeman trying to entrap bent coppers? Or something.
Thanks Rupe, I appreciate your comments.
Quote: Jennie @ 15th January 2014, 12:47 AM GMTThank you for the compliment Nogget.
A cancer joke is one thing, but I mean you are perhaps a little 'too nice' to the characters themselves, in that you don't make them suffer much for laughs.
Quote: sootyj @ 14th January 2014, 10:28 AM GMTComedy is violence redirected
And Mark Twain said humour is tragedy plus time.
FX: RUNNING
POLICEMAN:
Freeze citizen Inspector Ivor Lolly of the Sweety.
DAWKINS:
What? The Sweeny, but I'm innocent.
POLICEMAN:
I'll be the judge and executioner of that, now empty your pockets before I disintegrate your trousers,
DAWKINS:
Ok ok, wallet, holo ID, DNA key....
POLICEMAN
And one wrap of white powder, you make me sick, I'm getting out my testing device.
DAWKINS
Put your lolly away, its, its sherbert, its not cure it's 50 percent heroin.
POLICEMAN:
That won't help you, you Bertie Bassett, you Milky Bar Kid. Look at you with your pimples, candy belly, you're as rotten as your teeth.
DAWKINS:
Oh no what happens now, I've a wife, I've kids
they need me.
POLICEMAN
Now sir, junk food's always been deadly, diabetese, heart disease, being vaporied by a police officer in the street. It's just faster these days.
DAWKINS
I don't want to die, I'll diet.
POLICEMAN
Ha fooled you sir, bit of innocent policeman's humour, that sherbert is 100 percent aspartame.
DAWKINS
Oh I get to live.
POLICEMAN
For now, aspartame is highly carciogenic and a powerful laxative.
DAWKINS
I was very scared when you said you were going to vaporise me.
POLICEMAN
No point saying mind how you go.
Hope you don't mind me tweeking it to show what it looks like with a nastier character.