2525 Lasers

Hello, never really write sketches, but I thought I'd give this a go. Very rough draft I've just typed up, and just want to know what people think of the idea and any feedback on how to tighten it up.

Cheers

INTRO: With seven trillion humans in the galaxy, all in need of somewhere to live, one of the most lucrative jobs is to become an estate agent. Many specialise in finding cracking new homes for first-time-buyers.

KAREN
This house is cracking.

ESTATE AGENT
Gorgeous isn't it?

ANDREW
No, the walls are falling down. What are all those big cracks?

ESTATE AGENT
Ah yes, that's one of the features of these...DOWN!

Karen, Andrew and Estate Agent throw themselves to the ground with a thump. An explosion is heard.

KAREN
What the hell was that?

ESTATE AGENT
Lasers. As I was saying, one of the features of this area is all the lasers.

ANDREW
Where are they coming from?

ESTATE AGENT
Big factory over there. You get the odd stray beam, which is great for first-time buyers of course.

KAREN
Great?! It just put a hole in the cupboard.

ESTATE AGENT
Utility room. Fantastic space for your washer and dryer.

ANDREW
Well it isn't now, is it?

ESTATE AGENT
Oh yes, it has character now. You'll be able to sell this place for double its current value once you've got enough holes in it. And see those fires starting over there? Great for a young family. Cuts right down on energy bills.

KAREN
We were really looking for a place without lasers...

ESTATE AGENT sucks through his teeth

ESTATE AGENT
Not in your budget, I'm afraid.

ANDREW
What, they all have lasers?

ESTATE AGENT
Well, there is a little place down in Persony 13. No lasers there. Three bedrooms, personal transporter deck, lovely little garden.

KAREN
That sounds perfect.

ESTATE AGENT
Well, I could show you around if you really want to, but it's not in the same catchment area.

KAREN
Ah...

ESTATE AGENT
Best schools in the galaxy round here, you know. But I'm sure they're good too in Persony 13, in their own way. Some of the best servants I've ever had are from Persony 13. In fact, I think Tom's from there, he'll tell you....

ESTATE AGENT shouts out of window

Tom!

He's the caretaker here, but try not to stare, he's one of the newer mutants and he does have fists for eyes...DOWN!

Karen, Andrew and Estate Agent throw themselves to the ground with a thump. An explosion is heard.

ANDREW
Well...that is quite warm.

KAREN
I guess if we just never stood up...

ESTATE AGENT
Very good for the back, crawling. Back to the office, then?

ANDREW
Yeah...

KAREN
Sure...

ESTATE AGENT
I knew you'd love it.

well good effort,
I like the idea of using an estate agent but this is not it, the lasers seam silly and are not funny, and the catchment area is weak! lacking in jokes and story and direction, other than that Good!

I didn't like the catchment area either, but conversely, I liked the idea of trying to sell a house that is surrounded by random lasers, it was good. To be honest, I'd skip the intor and the explanation of the factory and just have unexplained lasers cutting in the house, and have them try to rationalise it.

Ultra-pedantic point: "one of the most lucrative jobs is to become an estate agent" makes no sense, becoming an estate agent isn't a job.

This is very good, made me laugh.

The response to this needs work:

Karen, Andrew and Estate Agent throw themselves to the ground with a thump. An explosion is heard.

ANDREW
Well...that is quite warm.

But nice silly stuff.

Good effort.

Feel free to ignore the following - (I would)

Remember it is for radio. When you write as a direction that they are all throwing themselves on the floor how does the listener know that? Keep in mind the listener only knows what he hears.

I would 'future up' things like 'estate agent' could he be a 'three dimensional 'space' agent'? or something better.

Good luck with it.

Playfull

Future estate agent is a fantastic angle, with potential for a runner. The sketch needs work, but you know that.

Thanks everybody. Yep, this was a bit of a 20-minute jobber before I had to go to a meeting so it definitely needs work. I just wanted to see if the idea was a goer really. Cheers for all the feedback.

I was worried about the catchment area thing, but I was trying to make fun of the characters, I guess. The brief says it should be jokes that would make sense if they happened now - but set in a futuristic time. The only stupid thing I could think of that people go for when looking at houses was the postcode lottery thing with schools, but it is weak...I'm going to look in the dark recesses of my mind for another angle on it.

I do like lasers though.

Also...

Quote: playfull @ August 20 2013, 4:08 PM BST

Remember it is for radio. When you write as a direction that they are all throwing themselves on the floor how does the listener know that? Keep in mind the listener only knows what he hears.

View original

I always thought the way to write it was to explain the FX in prose within the script and let the FX team handle it. Is that not right? What should I be doing?

I thought this was an entertaining and funny read. My only advice would be to shorten it slightly and maybe tinker with the dialogue a bit to make the laughs stronger.

Thanks Ben! Will do.

Also, does anyone know Radio 4's stance on the word "hell"? I once did a few drafts of a play for 4 and they had me take out anything that could vaguely be offensive to anyone (although Jesus was actually one of the characters, so maybe they had a point...)

Basically, does this kind of logic extend to absolutely everything? 'Hell' ok after 6:30? Easy to change in this sketch but then I'll know for future ones.

I think "hell" would be fine. They certainly wouldn't refuse to use a sketch because of one line which can easily be edited.

HI, I think Karen would be the one insisting on the catchment area,
it's normally the buyers who are the fussy ones but are unwilling to look elsewhere because of such stupid things as they like the area or schools etc. so that would work better, with the estate agent trying to get them to overlook the lasers, i.e. explain what some of the neighbours have done to benefit from the lasers such as put in energy grabbers that harness the lasers and save on the electric bills! (maybe with an explanation ending on how it doesn't really work or something!)
Also, I'm I the only one who thinks you should find away to include the line " and when you say you want more Space? do you mean galaxy's or room size?" ?

Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ August 20 2013, 6:50 PM BST

HI, I think Karen would be the one insisting on the catchment area,
it's normally the buyers who are the fussy ones but are unwilling to look elsewhere because of such stupid things as they like the area or schools etc. so that would work better, with the estate agent trying to get them to overlook the lasers, i.e. explain what some of the neighbours have done to benefit from the lasers such as put in energy grabbers that harness the lasers and save on the electric bills! (maybe with an explanation ending on how it doesn't really work or something!)
Also, I'm I the only one who thinks you should find away to include the line " and when you say you want more Space? do you mean galaxy's or room size?" ?

View original

Cheers...I think the plan was to keep the estate agent hustling and for the characters to eventually go for an awful house because they're worried their children will end up as 'caretakers' like Tom. But you're right it doesn't come across that the estate agent is appealing to their nature.

What I might do is have them say they will look with a different estate agent to add peril for him, and for the estate agent to give 'advice' on what else is available on the market that makes the laser house seem like the best option.

Or that might make it a bit too complicated. I'll put some thought into it.

I think its a great idea and I can't wait to read the rewrite.

Ok, attempt 2. Tried to follow all the notes. Last line may need changing, though...

INTRO: With seven trillion humans in the galaxy, all in need of somewhere to live, one of the most lucrative careers is to become an estate agent. Many specialise in finding cracking new homes for first-time-buyers.

KAREN
This house is cracking.

ESTATE AGENT
Gorgeous isn't it?

ANDREW
No, the walls are falling down. What are all those big cracks?

ESTATE AGENT
Ah yes, that's one of the features of this...DOWN!

Karen, Andrew and Estate Agent throw themselves to the ground with a thump. An explosion is heard.

KAREN
What the hell was that?

ESTATE AGENT
Lasers. As I was saying, one of the features of this area is all the lasers.

ANDREW
Where are they coming from?

ESTATE AGENT
We really don't know, but it's great for first-time buyers.

KAREN
Great?! It just blew a hole in the cupboard.

ESTATE AGENT
Exactly, this place just gets bigger all the time.

KAREN
We were really looking for somewhere without lasers...

ESTATE AGENT sucks through his teeth

ESTATE AGENT
Not in your budget, I'm afraid.

ANDREW
What, they all have lasers?

ESTATE AGENT
Well, if you want to stay in the area. You understand Traglof 5 isn't a cheap place to live. Perhaps Persony 13 is more within your reach.

ANDREW
Maybe we should broaden our search...

KAREN
Andrew! What about Timmy?! How many high space lawyers have you seen come out of Persony 13?

ESTATE AGENT
Ah, yes. Best schools in the galaxy round here. But Persony 13 is improving, they've boarded up that wormhole in the gym and I hear most of the teachers have agreed not to lick the children...DOWN!

Karen, Andrew and Estate Agent throw themselves to the ground with a thump. An explosion is heard.

ANDREW
Argh!

ESTATE AGENT
Oops, there goes your arm. Nevermind it'll grow back.

ANDREW
What?

ESTATE AGENT
Oh are you human? Oh well that's...that's gone then...

ANDREW
Hospital...

KAREN
Is there anyone else viewing the house?

ESTATE AGENT
I've got another couple in straight after you.

KAREN
Andrew, they could take it from us.

ANDREW
The lasers...

KAREN
Where do we sign?

ESTATE AGENT
Just here thank you...And you, Sir...? Oh I almost forgot, they haven't banned alcohol here yet, is that a problem?

ANDREW
Give me the pen!

Ok, This is much better in my opinion, however here's my breakdown of the bits that need work, the rest is excellent. hope your ok with my comments?

INTRO: Works great love the word play on cracking

but were Andrew says:
"No, the walls are falling down. What are all those big cracks?" it doesn't make sense if they have just said its cracking,
I'd try something like: No, the roof is falling off and the walls are full of cracks! (reason being you already said it was cracking so that way your explaining your first statement).

When the ESTATE AGENT Says
"Ah yes, that's one of the features of this" I don't think "down" works, its not funny and you could have his reply being your second joke as he explains why cracks and the roof falling off are sought after features.

then you could have as an FX An explosion is heard. they don't need to drop to the ground as its hard to do on radio, a bit over the top, and a big explosion has the same effect.
from were Karen says "What the hell was that?" to the bit were the ESTATE AGENT says "Ah, yes. Best schools in the galaxy round here. But Persony 13 is improving, they've boarded up that wormhole in the gym" all great, but I think it should just end with "and I hear most of the teachers have agreed not to lick the children"

At this point again I'd just do they hear an even bigger explosion.

I don't like the losing the arm bit, I don't think people would move somewhere they are going to lose limbs and also it makes an unpleasant story, how about the massive explosion being the house next door being completely destroyed, you could then have Andrew commenting on how next door has just been completely destroyed and the estate agent pointing out that their house is now Detached and that should increase the market value.

then when Karen asks "Is there anyone else viewing the house?"

and the ESTATE AGENT says "I've got another couple in straight after you."

KAREN's reply to Andrew about them taking it could refer to the fact that its now detached!

I would then lose ANDREW saying "The lasers..." and Karen asking"were do we sign?"
and just have the ESTATE AGENT say "Oh I almost forgot, this is one of the few places they haven't banned people drinking alcohol"
with the final line being ANDREW saying
"We'll take it!"
just my ideas, hope I didn't go over the top but I like the idea and think something more along those lines would be even funnier. hope you agree!