You have an excellent ear for natural speech. This means you have a good script. On the downside it means you have a script of people talking naturally, which isn't necessarily funny. The trick - in drama as much as comedy - is in making natural voices say artifical things.
Still, great start, really good luck to you.
Quote: Tursiops @ August 16 2013, 12:43 PM BSTBanter in a sitcom works best if it is niggly - the audience should enjoy the jokes, but the characters themselves shouldn't. Just a thought.
Agree with this, comedy is cruelty. Schadenfreude. In the words of Avenue Q -
"Schadenfreude. What's that, some kind of Nazi word? "
"Yep. It's German for 'happiness at the misfortune of others'"
"Happiness at the misfortune of others? That is German!"
Also, remember that each line if dialogue should reveal character, advance the plot or set up a joke. Preferably all three.
Hi Lisarey
I agree with the others that there is some excellent dialogue here and flows very naturally. I also agree that it did end up reading more like a drama. I must admit I only read about 2/3 of it....It seemed quite serious story about relationships with a couple of funny lines scattered about.
Also, I think some of the characters could have been more defined... (Josie and Lana) and (Glen and Ben), for me could have been the same person. I was also a bit slow to get that Josie was a pre op transexual. I only realised AFTER she had met Glen... or Ben ? I Think that Craig may have mentioned it before, but it went over my head. So either that needs to be clearer from the start or might just be just me being slow.
In a sitcom I would have expected something more like a Brash, Rich footballer thinking he was gods gift etc to be smitten by this girl who was giving him the run around, only to find out she was a pre op AFTER it was too late... and maybe his mates found out before but let him go ahead chasing her to bring him down a peg or too.
Have you tried reading it out loud or getting some mates to read it with you ? Could be very helpful in trying to define characters and seeing what works and what doesn't.
Anyway, well done for getting this far. More than I have done, so feel free to disregard everything I have said . Good luck
I read it through and basically agree with most of what has been said - it is drama with a slight comic flavour.
I did find the typos a little distracting, such as -
ELSIE: He spelt with my mother.
I would suggest you get someone to read through and highlight these as it can make a script look slapdash.
Well done though, and as others have said you write dialogue well which is a great asset.
Thanks for all your feedback everyone. :-)
Just one question Lisa.. are you a dedicated follower of fashion?
I like it but I don't always follow the trends so yes sometimes but not really. :-)
Define "muppet advice "? Are you 12?
MarcP was Kermit's personal gag writer on the Muppet show and Sesame street.
He actually wrote the line where Kermit goes
"weeeeeeeee!" and waves his arms about.
Before that he used to say "I'm Kermit suck my green marshy balls"
So he knows all about muppet advice.
I'm a producer and script editor too and don't like being called names on the internet! 
Quote: Marc P @ August 17 2013, 10:24 AM BSTI'm a producer and script editor too and don't like being called names on the internet!
Before I've had my first drink in the morning, or the last one in the evening, or the one in the middle of the day.
Either way where's that double damned butler with my keg of chablis and my buckfast.I do like having my posts edited so I sound like an aristocratic alcoholic, I have all of them preserved on vellum made from extinct yaks.
Now damn it inches wheres my pints!
Truly you are a scholar and a gentleman and a masterful writer to boot.
nb what did you produce?
A short film on YouTube featuring my dog speeded up to yackety sax!
Go on where's the link?
It's missing.