2525...

Here's this little ditty for slating...

The homo sapien's demise began with the emergence of a human sub species known as the Geek. The Geeks invented computers, played with computers and talked of nothing but computers. Because of this, no female human was prepared to mate with a Geek, so the Geeks invented robots for companions. The Geeks also invented 'gadgets' and 'Apps' in order to distract the Non-Geeks from each other. Eventually the Non-Geeks were so enamoured with their gadgets and their Apps that they stopped talking to one another and eventually stopped mating. Before long there were more robots than humans and the only humans to be found, were the ones bred in captivity, by the robots, for their own amusement. ...

EXT - Zoo

Robot Zoo Guide - And here we are at the Homo Sapian enclosure.

Little Girl Robot - Mummy Mummy !.. Look at their funny bottoms.

Mummy Robot - Oh yes, aren't they strange.

Little Girl Robot - And Look at that one with red hair !!

Mummy Robot - How very peculiar.

Little Girl Robot - What's that ?...

Mummy Robot - What's what dear ?

Little Girl Robot - That dangly bit between that one's legs.

Mummy Robot - I don't know dear, shall we move on to the Crocodiles.

Little Girl Robot - That one's coming over to the glass, what's he doing ? .... He's leaking ! He's leaking on the glass Mummy ! Mummy I think we need to help it.

Mummy Robot - No we don't dear, let's move on to the crocodiles.

Little Girl Robot - Oh, he's stopped now.... but what's that brown lump dropping out of his bottom ?

Mummy Robot - Never mind that, let's go and see the....

Little Girl Robot - Oh it's food... It's how they make their food Mummy !.... Look he's eating it !

Mummy Robot - CROCODILES !!

Yay, you wrote something I really like the idea, but I think you could squeeze more out of it than just bodily functions. What do humans do that would really confuse a robot? Queuing? Snogging? Picking their nose? I think you could go much further with this.

Keep going

I like it too, nice and short and you conveyed the situation very well.

Very well done.

Hi folks

Thanks for your feed back. That was my first completed anything. Sketches aren't really something I intended to write, but this 2525 thing just got me thinking.... and they are easier to finish than an episode of a sitcom.
Jennie you're absolutely right. It could be much cleverer and more observational. I'll have a think about how I can make it so. In my defence it was late, and base humour was all I could muster. I Guess also I was just trying to show how far we'd fallen and uncivilised our obsession with technology had made us.
Cheers M

The dialogue flows very nicely and I like the idea that crocodiles have finally been recognised as being more refined than some humans.

i think concentrating on poo gags probably doesn't do the set-up justice - although I thought "It's how they make their food!" was inspired.
You do, however, have a deft touch with dialogue, which stands you in great stead.
A very readable sketch.

The introduction needs to be funny. Yes, they told us to use it for exposition, but surely it should make us laugh; after all, they describe the show as 'laugh out loud'.

Thanks Lazzard & Stonked for your kind comments regarding the dialogue. This is encouraging.
I definitely agree that perhaps I could do more with it that just poo and wee gags (if you can call them gags)

I'm not sure you need an introduction at all - it is perfectly obvious what is happening from the dialogue.

Quote: Nogget @ August 16 2013, 9:03 AM BST

The introduction needs to be funny. Yes, they told us to use it for exposition, but surely it should make us laugh; after all, they describe the show as 'laugh out loud'.

View original

Hi Nogget
Thanks for reading it. You are right that the Opening bit isn't "laugh out loud funny". I just liked the idea of Humans being an attraction in a Zoo and tried to think of an amusing tale of how this came to be. But as you said, they are looking for "Laugh out Loud" and perhaps "amusing" won't cut it. That said, I was quite pleased with the intro bit. Not sure I'm capable of writing Little Britain type sketches.
Cheers

Quote: Jennie @ August 16 2013, 9:16 AM BST

I'm not sure you need an introduction at all - it is perfectly obvious what is happening from the dialogue.

View original

Yeah. I guess that is true. Do you think the intro is just a bit .. meh (as they say) ??

Quote: Mattytheswan @ August 16 2013, 9:29 AM BST

Do you think the intro is just a bit .. meh (as they say) ??

View original

Structurally the problem with the intro is that it's a different gag - one about Geeks quietly taking over the world (I think??) .
You then lead into a completely separate concept - human zoos.
There's humour to be had out of both concepts - but they are rather jammed together the way yo have it.
I'd get the intro our of the way quick.

I was just about to say that it's a different gag, then I see that Lazzard has got there first. Darn your fast typing skills.

I don't think you need it all. What does it say? This is a human zoo. You can do this in your slug line. Just launch in to it.

Quote: Jennie @ August 16 2013, 9:50 AM BST

I You can do this in your slug line. Just launch in to it.

View original

It's radio, isn't it?

It needs to be funny or brief.
Preferably both.
Neither isn't an option.

Quote: Jennie @ August 16 2013, 9:50 AM BST

Just launch in to it.

View original

That would be my preference, except that we were instructed to write an intro.