British Comedy Guide

Kerry Moon Bits Put Together

Putting this on just to see if it works as opening to story.Any feedback/help appreciated.

KERRY MOON

INT.-Delivery suite on a maternity ward.

Medical staff busily make final preparations for a new arrival. All involved in this shot are seen from the neck down including expectant mother on bed. Camera hovers over bulging belly of mother to be as she cries out in agony, pants heavily and gasps for air.

PREGNANT WOMAN

AAAARGH

CAMERA CLOSES TOWARDS PREGNANT WOMANS BELLY AND THROUGH SKIN AS IF ENTERING HER BODY

INT-WOMANS WOMB

A conversation takes place between a baby(who has an energetic, rapid voice) and an unseen ethereal being.

Baby peacefully sleeps in foetal position.
A calm, soothing voice talks to the baby who responds by trying to ignore it, turning away like a reluctant teenager being asked by his mother to get up for school on a Monday morning.

VOICE

(pause) Norman (pause)

Norman

Hm mm...

VOICE

Norman it's almost time. You have to start moving.
Norman....Norman we have to have that chat now.

Norman

Just five more minutes.

VOICE

I'm sorry Norman but I must insist you wake up. We do not have five minutes.

Norman

OK! OK! I'm awake.

VOICE

Thank you Norman I really appreciate your co-operation. Now like I said we do not have much time. Over the last nine months I have really enjoyed our time together. However there are some things I omitted from our little chats and now it is only fair that I give you the opportunity to see a little bit of what awaits you should you choose to be born.

Norman

(EXCITED VOICE)
REALLY? Am I Rich? Do I live in a mansion? Do I have a sports car? Do I have a different name? I love the name Jake it's just the coolest. Do I...

voice

Norman calm down, calm down. All this agitation is not good for you or your mother. Now just settle down and listen.
I am going to give you a little look into your future, a sneak preview if you like. Now what I show you is not a complete picture more like watching a movie trailer. Like all good trailers the ending will not be revealed and can only be seen if you the viewer is prepared to sit through the entire film. There is no fast forward button, no delete button. The only certainty is that the film will eventually end. Do you understand what I am telling you Norman?

Norman

(More solemn)I think so.

VOICE

Good then just close your eyes and I'll start the trailer.
(Starts humming Pearl and Dean Cinema music)
Ba BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA BA yes!

Norman

What are you doing?

VOICE

Just building up to the trailer, you know setting the mood

Norman

What?

VOICE

Sorry. No hot dog then?

Norman

Just the trailer please.

(CAMERA FOCUSES ON FACIAL REACTION OF Norman AS HE VIEWS PARTS OF HIS LIFE TO BE. NONE OF WHAT Norman SEES IS VISIBLE TO THE VIEWER WHO CAN ONLY GUESS AT WHAT HE SEES THROUGH HIS FACIAL REACTIONS AND WORDS OF "VOICE" AS IT TRIES TO REASSURE Norman.)

VOICE

It's OK Norman. Remember this is not the entire picture. Things could get so much better. But remember things could get much worse.

Norman

(Pained voice)
Please stop. No more....THOUGH WAIT A MINUTE .Who is she? She is beautiful! NO GO BACK! GO BACK LET ME WATCH A LITTLE BIT LONGER

VOICE

Sorry Norman we have to stop now. I am afraid that is all I am allowed to show you.

Norman

But who is she?

VOICE

You know I can't tell you Norman. But what I can say is that, should you chose to be born you will meet her one day. Under what circumstance I do not know. Only the boss is privy to this information but you will meet her.

(Muffled sound of panicked voices coming from outside of the womb and the sound of the mother to be in pain)

INT-MATERNITY SUITE

UN-named 1

Now listen Joan the baby hasn't turned like he should have and you're not dilated enough to leave him in that position for too long. I am afraid we're going to have to do a C section if we're to save your baby. Do you understand me Joan?

PREGNANT WOMAN

AAARGH.......Y...E..S.....EEEEE

INT -WOMB

VOICE

It's time Norman. You have to make your decision. You have two choices. You can come back with me and have an eternity of comfort and safety or take a chance and be born. Be warned Norman come with risks. Come with me and you will never know what it is to truly experience life. Or be born and experience life and all it entails, good and bad.
I need a decision Norman.

Norman

What about her, will I remember her?

VOICE

I'm afraid not. Your memories are already beginning to fade and when I hear your decision your memory will be erased, your mind re- set if you like. So what is it to be Norman?

(BEFORE NORMAN CAN ANSWER THE WOMB IS CUT OPEN, HANDS REACH IN AND PULL NORMAN FROM THE VOICE.)

VOICE

(Panicked for the first time)
NORMAN!
(QUIETLY)
Oh bollocks.

CUT TO:

INT -MATERNITY SUITE

Medical team works frantically to resuscitate baby.

UN-NAMED2

There's still no pulse. Come on little fellow, breath.

CUT TO:

INT. Womb as it is stitched/stapled up?

VOICE

(AS IF SPEAKING TO SOMEONE ON A TELEPHONE)
No I wasn't given a decision...I... I know I was supposed to..... I have done this before you know... Take it up with whoever you want. I made an executive decision, whether it was the right one only time will tell.
Don't you talk to me like that! What's your name?
What do you mean what's it got to do with you? Do you know who I am?...No...no don't you dare hang up on me..... Hello? Hello!

(VOICE STARTS TO FADE STILL REMONSTRATING AS BELLY CLOSES)

CUT TO:

EXT. Head shot of man slowly coming out of what appears to be a dream of what we have just watched. As his eyes begin to focus he sees a man in a dog costume smiling at him. He looks around and sees a young boy eating an ice-cream, staring at him. He sits up and realises he is on a bench in the middle of a park. The boy begins to panic AS MAN DOG BARKS.

BOY

MUMMY!MUMMY!

MAN

KERRY!

CUT TO:

THE DAY BEFORE

EXT. OLD TRANSIT VAN(STATIONARY)-AFTERNOON

AN OLD TRANSIT VAN IS PARKED ACROSS THE STREET FROM AN OFFICE BUILDING(HOME TO SOLICITORS,PRIVATE MEDICAL GROUPS ETC).IN THE FRONT SEAT, WATCHING THE ENTRANCE TO THE BUILDING, SITS A BORED, LARGE MAN,(WHO WE WILL KNOW AS DETECTIVE)EATING A HUGE BURGER AND HOLDING A CUP OF BOILING HOT COFFEE.ON THE DASHBOARD IS A WALKIE-WALKIE.FEEDBACK ON THE WALKIE-TALKIE STARTLES DETECTIVE WHO STARTS TO CHOKE ON BURGER, SPILLING COFFEE ONTO HIS LAP,CAUSING HIM TO LEAP UP, BANGING HIS HEAD ON ROOF OF VAN AS HE DOES SO.IN THE ENSUING CHAOS HE FAILS TO HEAR THE VOICE OF HIS PARTNER (SMALL MAN) ON THE WALKIE-TALKIE

SMALL MAN

Target on his way out of the building, handing him to you. over.......Repeat. Target on his way out of the building. Do you copy? over

CAMERA SHOT ZOOMS THROUGH TRANSIT WINDOW TO DEJECTED LOOKING NORMAN STANDING AT ENTRANCE TO BUILDING.IT STARTS TO RAIN, NORMAN PUTS UP UMBRELLA, STEPS ONTO BUSY STREET BLENDING IN WITH THE OTHER UMBRELLA CARRYING PEOPLE AS HE DOES SO.A SMALLMAN RUNS OUT OF THE BUILDING STANDING ON TIPTOES AS HE LOOKS INTO CROWD, SEARCHING FOR NORMAN.

SMALL MAN

Please tell me you have him? over........WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?......

CUT TO:

CREDIT SEQUENCE (TO THE TUNE OF "A GIRL I USED TO KNOW" BY ANDUZE) OVERHEAD SHOT FOLLOWING NORMANS UMBRELLA AS HE SLOWLY MOVES THROUGH FAST MOVING PEDESTRIAN CROWD.

CUT TO:

EXT.BAR-EARLY EVENING

NORMAN SHAKES WATER OFF UMBRELLA AND ENTERS BAR.

CUT TO:

INT.BAR

NORMAN SITS DOWN AT BAR DEEP IN THOUGHT AND NOT PAYING ANY ATTENTION TO THE NOISY, ROWDY ATMOSPHERE AS GROUP OF DRUNK MEN LARK AROUND.BARMAN APPROACHES NORMAN.

barman

What can I get you?

NORMAN

A pint of bitter, a large vodka and a packet of ready salted crisps please.

BARMAN PLACES ORDER ON BAR.

BARMAN

That will be £7.20 please

NORMAN PAYS THE BARMAN AND DOWNS BOTH THE VODKA AND PINT.BARMAN COMES BACK WITH NORMANS CHANGE.

Norman

Can I have the same again please?

BARMAN

Sure no problem

NORMAN

In fact will you just bring the bottle of vodka over and forget about the pint.

BARMAN

Fine but take it easy.

PLACES CLEAN GLASS AND BOTTLE OF VODKA IN FRONT OF NORMAN WHO PROCEEDS TO POUR HIMSELF A LARGE SERVING AND DRINKS IT IN ONE GO.

MANDOG

Tough day at the the office?

NORMAN TURNING HEAD TO REPLY

NORMAN

You could say th......

LOOKS AROUND BUT CAN'T SEE ANYONE

MANDOG

Down here on the floor

NORMAN LOOKS DOWN AND IS STARTLED WHEN HE SEES MAN IN DOG COSTUME TETHERED TO FOOT REST.

NORMAN

What the fu...

MANDOG

Stag do. Getting married in the morning and my so called mates thought it would be hilarious to dress me up like this. It wouldn't be so bad if they really were my mates but it's just my fiances brother and his mates.

NORMAN POURS HIMSELF ANOTHER DRINK

NORMAN

Want a drink? Crisp?

MANDOG

Oh yes please. I'm starving. The bastards haven't fed me all day and I was told that I wouldn't need to bring my wallet. Their treat and all.

NORMAN

Can I have another glass please.

MANDOG

Oh no! no! not in a glass.If you can just pour it in my bowl and drop some crisps on the floor.

NORMAN

What?.... Why?

MANDOG

Forfeit if I don't do as I'm told, like drinking from the dog bowl. Can't even use the gents. I have to go against a lamp post and let me tell you that's already lead to a few accidents. Twice I've had my nose rubbed in wee as a punishment.Wouldn't have been so bad if it was my own.

(Pouring vodka into bowl and crisps onto floor)

NORMAN

Well here's to a long and happy marriage. Cheers.

NORMAN KNOCKS BACK VODKA BUT NOTICES MANDOG DOESN'T TOUCH HIS.

Not drinking?

MANDOG

Ask for a paw.

NORMAN

Ask for a paw?

(LOOKING OVER TO BROTHER-IN-LAW AND FRIENDS WHO ARE NOW WATCHING)

MANDOG

Can't drink until I'm asked for and then give a paw

NORMAN

Can I have a paw?

MAN DOG GIVES NORMAN A PAW THEN ROLLS ON BACK WITH ARMS AND LEGS IN THE AIR

MANDOG

Now rub my belly, tell me I'm a good boy and make it convincing.

NORMAN DOES AS MANDOG ASKS.MANDOGS LEFT LEG TWITCHES AS HE IS RUBBED.

NORMAN

There, there. Who's a good boy, oh you like that don't you, you clever boy. Now go get a drink go on!

STAG-DO GIVE A LOUD CHEER

(SIGHING)MANDOG

Cheers

shot of bar as it gets rowdier, Norman and man dog getting drunk, music louder,

INT. BAR

Later in the night as Norman sits on floor next to MANDOG.

Slurring his words in a drunken drawl.

MANDOG

.....so she said we were getting married and basically that was that.

Feeding Man dog crisps but only after he is given a paw.

NORMAN

But do you love her?

MANDOG

Well she's better than her brother and being the bosses daughter it gives me job security. She's got my career all sorted

MANDOG points to brother in law who is trying to be centre of attention with boastful tales.

Twenty years or so and I'll be second in command to Donald Trump over there and......

Norman looks directly into the eyes of Man dog; who tilts his head like a dog does when it looks as though it is trying to understand what a human is saying.

NORMAN

No no, no! That's not what I asked. Do you love her? I mean does your heart race every time you see her? do you think of her all the time? Does it hurt to be apart from her? I mean do you really, really love her?

(Pausing as he thinks about Normans questions)

MANDOG

...Er well yeah of course I...do

NORMAN

No you don't

MANDOG

Yes I do

NORMAN

no you don't

MANDOG

yes I d....

NORMAN

No you don't. You can't even say that you love her.

MANDOG

Yes I can

NORMAN

No you can't

MANDOG

Yes I can.

NORMAN

Go on then.

MANDOG

Go on then what?

NORMAN

Tell me that you love her .......No in fact tell me that you love her and give me five reasons why you love her.

MANDOG

OK five reasons. Well ....

NORMAN

You see

MANDOG

What! I'm thinking

NORMAN

Exactly your thinking! Anyone supposedly so in love shouldn't have to think of the reasons why they love someone. They should be able to roll them off their tongue. Love should be instant, fresh exciting..

MANDOG

Okay Mr Mills and Boon. What about you? Have you ever been married? In love?

Norman

Yes and yes. Just not necessarily with the same person.

Man dog

And I suppose your wedding day was better than everyone elses' .

CUT TO:

NORMANS WEDDING DAY

INT. Church, rear view of bride at altar.

VICAR

And do you Constance Eva Brown take Norman Hobbs to be your lawful wedded husband?

Constance

I do.

SHOT DRAWS BACK TO REVEAL CHURCH COVERED IN PLASTIC SHEETING, FULL OF SEATED GUESTS WEARING WHITE BIO HAZARD SUITS WITH WEDDING HATS ON TOP.VICAR HAS SAME ON EXCEPT FOR DOG COLLAR AROUND HIS NECK. NORMAN WEARS MORNING SUIT MADE OF PLASTIC.CONSTANCE IS THE ONLY PERSON IN NORMAL CLOTHES.

CUT BACK TO BAR SCENE

MANDOG

What do you mean not necessarily with the same pers...

BROTHER-IN-LAW GETS UP ONTO SMALL STAGE IN CORNER OF BAR STAGE AND TALKS INTO MICROPHONE.

BROTHER-IN-LAW

SLURRING WORDS

Ladies and gentleman...ladies and gentlemen..oh and dogs. If I could have your attention for a moment. Please a bit of hush....SHUT UP OR YOUR ALL FIRED!

BAR GOES SILENT.

CUT TO:

INT.Small room, empty except for old chair,dressing table with mirror,small toilet and a few crates of lager stacked in the corner. A thirty-something,large bosomed blonde(HYPNOTITS) sitting on chair looking in mirror, applying finishing touches to her make-up whilst smoking a joint and talking on mobile.

HYPNOTITS

....so I grabbed the cow by her extensions, threw her out and gave him a right ear-bashing. It's not the first time I've caught the bastard cheating but I made it clear in no uncertain terms that this was his last chance. I mean what do they give him that I don't?... .

STANDS UP WALKS OVER TO TOILET,HIKES UP SKIRT AND STARTS TO HAVE MANLY SLASH

He's got no scruples. I've a good mind to tell his wife..

KNOCK ON DOOR AND BARMAN POPS HEAD ROUND.

BARMAN

Your on.

HYPNOTITS

OK I'm on my way.....

HYPNOTITS FINISHES SLASH AND TAKES ONE LAST LOOK IN THE MIRROR

Yeah men, they're all dogs.
Sorry love I've got to go to work but I'll call you later. Bye, bye.

HYPNOTITS LEAVES DRESSING ROOM FOR STAGE.

CUT TO:

INT. BAR

It's full of good ideas but I have no idea of where it's going and whether it'll all work out in the end. Its initial lurches from one scene to another are so manic I wasn't even sure that the Hypnotits scene being repeated wasn't intentional! And yet there's just the odd hint there might be a perfectly conventional film structure lurking beneath.

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