Rude comments - misdirection.

I know a lot of you 'wits' (silent T) like to add lines to peoples sketches and scripts, so maybe you can help me.

I have been re-reading stuff I wrote ages a go and one has caught my imagination again.

It is set in a shop and one of the counter assistants likes to insult or say rude things to the customers. A bit like (cough)-tosser-(cough)
But he of course doesn't do the cough.

In this instance he would say loudly 'Tosser'
then quickly continue with 'z another apple' pretending he was asking another assistant to toss him an apple.

I have 'the bell-end' where it is revealed he has a decorative bell in his hand and he continues ' is at the bottom and the handle at the top'

So come on you super-wits. More rude insults that can be turned around to be harmless.

Harder than you might think, isn't it.

arsehole ... d the last one yesterday

Best I can do for now. I'll keep at it.

This site might help you http://www.peevish.co.uk/slang/a.htm

My childish mind is in it element with so here are just a few that I've made up as I'm typing, if there the sort of thing you want and you need more I'm sure I can think of loads more!

but how about these for starters?

F**k offs and colds we recommend Benylin.

Thank you sir, and C,U, Next Tuesday.

that's Six pounds Fifty "to sir"! (tosser!)

The "Bar Stood" here for ages before being taken down,

and exactly what "C**t"tree do you want to fly to sir?

"C**t" you see I'm busy here!

Thank you very much sir, No, F**k you very much!

slightly more subtle,
this would be a nice Watch to get as a present for your wife "if it's a wind-up your looking for"

CUSTOMER
I'm looking for a new handbag for my wife.
RUDE EMPLOYEE
Is she not happy with the douchebag she has then sir?

loads more if you need them! lol

"Poor c...ow would you like it cooked Madam?"

"Teabag me - I'm not just drinking hot water with milk in."

Thank you. I have to say, even though they are tempting - I will avoid c**t and f**k references (unless too brilliant to ignore)

But all these are fueling the juices again.

I shall post a short excerpt when I have gathered a few more.

( If I have gabbled a little here it's because I have had a few beers watching the football)

B Itch my back for me.

Have "you Faggot" anything sir?

we have everything you need in the garden sir, you look like you would love a "Ho, Mo" the garden with a lawnmower as well?

he could say, "Lets Be Ho"est madam (this lesbian)

"Knob-odys" happier to see you that I am sir!

"Queer" (we'er) always happy to help sir

"Twat-s" what were here for!

Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ August 14 2013, 11:45 PM BST

B Itch my back for me.

Have "you Faggot" anything sir?

we have everything you need in the garden sir, you look like you would love a "Ho, Mo" the garden with a lawnmower as well?

he could say, "Lets Be Ho"est madam (this lesbian)

"Knob-odys" happier to see you that I am sir!

"Queer" (we'er) always happy to help sir

"Twat-s" what were here for!

View original

It's always useful to remember this is the 21st century.

Quote: Badge @ August 15 2013, 12:12 AM BST

It's always useful to remember this is the 21st century.

View original

It's also useful to remember the password to your email address, where you left your keys, and your girlfriends name during sex!

but whats that got to do with my comments?

Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ August 15 2013, 12:17 AM BST

It's also useful to remember the password to your email address, where you left your keys, and your girlfriends name during sex!

but whats that got to do with my comments?

View original

Faggot
Lesbo
Queer

Not directed at you. But I think and hope Mr Goodlad is after personal insults that are better than those.

Oh I see,

Touched a nerve did I? sorry, these were not supposed to be words or insults I'd use, but he described the Employee as a rude and offensive man and I've meet some ignorant rude people in my life and even in the 21st century, Faggot, Queer and Lesbo are used by these people as insults a lot.
The very nature of Rude words and Swear words and the fact that they are used as insults would mean when we post them people can find them offensive, but if this employee is going to truly insult (i his mind) his customers, then these words would be used, even in the 21st century!
But I meant no offence, Sorry.

Maybe these are the type of things Stephen was after, maybe they're not. But would you use them in your own work?

Well I certainly wouldn't get all edgy and upset if someone suggested them! they are after-all just words, and I think its better to come up with as many ideas as possible then sift the good from the bad, than to just stay away from an idea altogether.

why's it upsetting you so much?

I'm not upset. Let's leave it to Stephen. You've certainly given him more to play with.

Thank you. I can filter out the bad and unusable from the good.

And you gave me some ones that can be reworked.

Will post a section later when I have re-worked it

Piece of dirt - On that shoe box

Moron - More on offer next week

Berk - Berkshire