I have written the following. Will any one please be kind enough to pass some constructive comments? I am looking for thoughts and ideas that will enhance this script.
Thanks
FADE IN:
INT. BEDROOM - AFTERNOON
THOMAS, A SPOTTY, OVERWEIGHT, YOUNG MAN, SITS ON HIS BED READING A MAGAZINE.
JOHN, HIS SPOTTY, SKINNY, YOUNGER BROTHER WALKS INTO THE ROOM CARRYING A PLATE OF BISCUITS.
JOHN
Got them.
THOMAS
(NOT LOOKING UP) Put them there.
JOHN
No prob-lem-o.
JOHN DROPS THE BISCUITS, KNOCKING OVER A CUP WHICH COVERS THOMAS WITH MILK.
JOHN
Oops!
THOMAS GLARES AT JOHN.
JOHN
Panic not.
JOHN LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM, PICKS UP A PAIR OF PANTS FROM THE FLOOR AND WIPES THOMAS'S FACE.
JOHN
That's better.
JOHN GIVES THOMAS THE PANTS.
JOHN GRABS THE MILK-SOAKED MAGAZINE AND SHAKES IT. THE PAGES TEAR AND FALL APART.
JOHN
Oops!
USING THE TORN PAGES, JOHN REASSEMBLES THE MAGAZINE AND PLACES IT IN THOMAS'S HANDS.
JOHN
Hang on.
JOHN TURNS THE MAGAZINE UPSIDE DOWN.
JOHN
That's better.
THOMAS GLARES AT JOHN WHO SMILES BACK.
JOHN NOTICES A BISCUIT ON THOMAS'S HEAD, PICKS IT UP AND EATS IT.
THOMAS EXPLODES WITH ANGER.
JOHN
Oh dear!
JOHN RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM.
THOMAS THROWS THE WET PANTS.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLWAY - AFTERNOON
THE WET PANTS MISSES JOHN AND HITS THEIR GRANDMOTHER IN THE FACE.
NANNA
Who threw that?
JOHN POINTS INTO THOMAS' BEDROOM.
NANNA
(LOUDLY) Thomas!
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM - AFTERNOON
THOMAS TRIES TO ESCAPE OUT OF THE WINDOW BUT IS TOO LARGE. HIS BACKSIDE WOBBLES AS HE TRIES TO FIT THOUGH THE GAP.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOUSE DOORWAY - AFTERNOON
NANNA STANDS NEXT TO A FIREMAN. THE FIRE ENGINE'S BLUE LIGHT REFLECTS OFF THE DOOR.
NANNA
Thank you officer.
FIREMAN
Just make sure it doesn't happen again.
THE FIREMAN, CARRYING A LARGE CAKE TIN, WALKS AWAY.
NANNA SIGHS AS SHE CLOSES THE DOOR.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - AFTERNOON
JOHN AND THOMAS STARE AWKWARDLY AT THE FLOOR.
NANNA
Thanks a lot you two. You know that cake was for when the vicar's comes over later.
THOMAS
What did you give it to the fireman for?
NANNA
To stop the hunky fireman charging ME for rescuing YOU.
JOHN
Couldn't you have given him bis-quits instead?
NANNA
There ain't any. (TO THOMAS) Have you been at them again?
THOMAS
No Nanna.
NANNA
(TO JOHN) What about you?
JOHN NOTICES AND EATS A BISCUIT PIECE ON THOMAS' SHOULDER.
JOHN
No Nanna.
NANNA
Must be those mice again.
JOHN
It's a wonder they can fit through their holes with the amount they put away. (TO THOMAS) Hey Thomas.
THOMAS GLARES AT JOHN.
NANNA WALKS TOWARDS A CUPBOARD.
THOMAS GOES TO PUSH JOHN, WHO STEPS OUT OF THE WAY. THOMAS TRIPS AND LANDS FACE-FIRST IN THE DOG'S FOOD BOWL.
THOMAS LOOKS UP AND GLARES AT JOHN. MAX, THE DOG, ENTERS THE ROOM AND LICKS THE FOOD OFF THOMAS' FACE.
JOHN
Facebook!
JOHN TAKES OUT HIS PHONE.
THOMAS EXPLODES WITH ANGER AND PICKS UP THE DOG BOWL.
JOHN
Oh dear!
THOMAS GOES TO THROW THE BOWL AT JOHN.
NANNA
(SHOUTING) Thomas!
THOMAS SLOWLY PLACES THE BOWL ON THE FLOOR.
NANNA
What is it with you two? Why can't you be more like those lovely Williams boys from across the road? They don't fight and argue like you pair.
JOHN
But, they're only three weeks old.
NANNA
I don't time to make another before I pick up the vicar so I'm off to Eddie's. Whilst I'm gone...
NANNA
(SHOUTING) Tidy up this mess.
JOHN & THOMAS
(TOGETHER) Yes Nanna.
NANNA
You can also do the dinner dishes in the sink.
JOHN
(LOUDLY) Shotgun!
THOMAS
That's not fair. I always dry... you never dry... I want to wash... I never wash.
NANNA
(FIRMLY) Thomas... you dry. John... you wash.
THOMAS
But...
NANNA
Not buts! Thomas... you dry. John... you wash.
JOHN & THOMAS
(TOGETHER) Yes Nanna.
NANNA PICKS UP HER PURSE.
NANNA
When I get back I want this place looking like a palace. If it's not...
NANNA SILENTLY POINTS AT THOMAS, THEN AT JOHN AND THEN BACK AT THOMAS.
JOHN & THOMAS
(TOGETHER) Yes Nanna.
NANNA WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM.
THOMAS
(FIRMLY) Come on.
THOMAS GOES TO THE TEA TOWEL CUPBOARD.
JOHN FILLS THE SINK WITH WATER. HE PICKS UP A BOTTLE OF WASHING UP LIQUID, TURNS IT UPSIDE DOWN AND SQUEEZES. THE LID FLIES OFF AND THE LIQUID POURS INTO THE WATER CAUSING IT TO BECOME THICK WITH BUBBLES.
JOHN
Oops!
THOMAS RETURNS WITH A TEA TOWEL, SLIPS ON SOME DOG FOOD, FALLS AND LANDS FACE-FIRST IN THE SINK.
THOMAS LIFTS HIS HEAD REVEALING A BUBBLES AFRO AND BEARD.
JOHN GRABS THE TEA TOWEL.
JOHN
I'll dry. You can...
JOHN WIPES BUBBLES FROM THOMAS' FACE.
JOHN
...wash.
THOMAS GLARES AT JOHN.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - AFTERNOON
IN SILENCE, THOMAS WASHES A CUP THEN GIVES IT TO JOHN.
THOMAS WASHES A PLATE.
JOHN DRIES THE CUP AND PUTS IT ON THE SIDE.
THOMAS GIVES THE PLATE TO JOHN THEN PICKS UP AND WASHES THE CLEAN CUP.
JOHN DRIES THE PLATE AND PUTS IT ON THE SIDE.
THOMAS GIVES THE CUP TO JOHN THEN PICKS UP AND WASHES THE CLEAN PLATE.
JOHN DRIES THE CUP AND PUTS IT ON THE SIDE.
THOMAS SUDDENLY NOTICES WHAT'S HAPPENING.
THOMAS
(ANNOYED) Stop giving me back the dishes!
JOHN
I thought you weren't talking to me?
THOMAS TURNS HIS HEAD AND PICKS UP A MIXING BOWL WHICH SLIPS THOUGH HIS HANDS AND LANDS ON HIS TOE.
THOMAS HOPS IN PAIN.
JOHN
You're in for it now. (POINTING TO THE SMASHED BOWL) That was to Nanna's Nan's Nan favourite mixing bowl.
FEAR DESCENDS ON THOMAS' FACE AS HE LOOKS AT THE BOWL.
THOMAS
What are you going to do?
JOHN
What am I going to do? You dropped it!
THOMAS PACES.
THOMAS
Think, Thomas, think. (PAUSE) Great Idea, Thomas.
JOHN
What?
THOMAS
I'll invent a time machine then go on Dragon's Den for funding. I'll go back in time and break into Nanna's Nan's Nan... it'll have to be at night through. I'll steal the bowl and post it to myself, just like in Back to the Future. In any second a mail man will knock on our door with a mysterious package.
JOHN AND THOMAS STARES EXPECTANTLY AT THE FRONT DOOR.
SILENCE.
JOHN
Or you could go the Help the Whale shop. They've one in the window.
THOMAS
Or I could go the Help the Whale shop. They've one in the window. What a brilliant idea. Thomas, you're a genius.
THOMAS TAKES OUT A SMALL PURSE FROM HIS POCKET AND COUNTS SOME COINS.
THOMAS
John, here's some money. Nip down to the Help the Whale shop and get the mixing bowl they've got in the window.
JOHN
No.
THOMAS FORCES A COUPLE OF COINS INTO JOHN'S HAND.
THOMAS
No arguments. As the brains of this family, I have to stay here, tidy up and plan the switching of the bowls. Now, get going, Nanna will be back soon.
THOMAS PUSHES JOHN TOWARDS THE DOOR. ON THE WAY HE PICKS UP JOHN'S COAT. THOMAS OPENS THE FRONT DOOR, THROWS OUT THE COAT AND JOHN THEN SLAMS THE DOOR.
THOMAS WALKS TOWARDS THE KITCHEN.
JOHN
(THOUGH THE LETTERBOX) Want anything from the Eddie's whilst I am out?
THOMAS
(SHOUTING) Yeah, get me a cheese and onion pasty and a bag of crisps.
JOHN
Red or blue?
THOMAS
Blue... no red... blue... I know, get both.
JOHN
Going to need some more money.
THOMAS
Hang on.
THOMAS DISAPPEARS THEN REAPPEARS.
THOMAS
This should be enough.
THOMAS PUSHES SOME COINS THROUGH THE LETTERBOX.
THOMAS
If there's any change, pick up a packet of those mint wafer bars.
SILENCE.
THOMAS
I said if there's any change, pick up a packet of those mint wafer bars.
SILENCE.
THOMAS
John?
JOHN
(FROM BEHIND THOMAS) What?
THOMAS
I said if there's any change...
THOMAS JUMPS UP AND GLARES AT JOHN.
JOHN
What if there's any change?
THOMAS
How did you get there?
JOHN
Through the back door!
THOMAS OPENS THE DOOR AND SHOVES JOHN OUTSIDE.
THOMAS
(MIMICKING JOHN) Through the back door.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - AFTERNOON
THOMAS STANDS ADMIRING A TIDY KITCHEN.
THOMAS
Right!
THOMAS LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.
THOMAS
Where's John? He's been gone ages?
THE KITCHEN DOOR OPENS. JOHN APPEARS EATING AN ICE CREAM.
JOHN
Howdy.
JOHN WALKS PAST THOMAS AND TOWARDS THE LIVING ROOM.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON
JOHN TURNS ON THE TELEVISION, KICKS OFF HIS SHOES AND JUMPS ON THE SOFA.
THOMAS ENTERS THE ROOM.
JOHN
Chuck us the remote.
Annoyed, Thomas forcefully throws the remote at John. It misses, hits the sofa, rebounds and hits Thomas on the nose. At the same time the television channel changes.
JOHN
Thanks.
THOMAS RUBS HIS NOSE.
THOMAS
And?
JOHN
What?
THOMAS
Where the mixing bowl?
JOHN
What mixing bowl?
THOMAS
The one you went to get.
JOHN
Oh, that one. It's at the shop.
THOMAS
What's it doing there?
JOHN
They wouldn't sell them to me.
THOMAS
Why not?
JOHN
I didn't have any money.
THOMAS
What! I gave you seven pounds, sixty three.
JOHN
I lost it... well, when I say lost it... I lost it.
THOMAS GLARES AT JOHN.
JOHN
Wasn't my fault.
THOMAS
Never is. What happened?
JOHN
Well, I was walking past the bus station and bumped into...
THOMAS
(INTERRUPTING) Come on, let's go. (SIGHING) How many times?
CUT TO:
EXT. BUS STATION - AFTERNOON
SURROUNDED BY A SMALL GROUP, CON MAN COLIN STANDS BEHIND A LITTLE TABLE.
CON MAN COLIN
Where's the King?
PUNTER
(POINTING TO THE MIDDLE CARD) There.
CON MAN COLIN REVEALS THE CARD AS AN ACE. HE PICKS UP THE TEN POUND NOTE, FOLDS IT NEATLY AND PUTS IT IN HIS TOP POCKET.
CON MAN COLIN
Better luck next time. Anyone else wants to win some money?
JOHN AND THOMAS APPEAR. CON MAN COLIN SMILES AS HE NOTICES THEM.
CON MAN COLIN
Afternoon ladies.
THOMAS
(FIRMLY) We've come for our money.
CON MAN COLIN
What money?
THOMAS
The seven pounds sixty three that (POINTING TO JOHN) HE lost to you earlier.
CON MAN COLIN
Well, If HE lost it to me then it's mine, not yours.
JOHN
I told you he wouldn't give it back.
THOMAS
I told you to shut up and let me do the talking.
THOMAS SQUARES UP TO CON MAN COLIN WHO SNARLS.
THOMAS BACKS AWAY.
THOMAS
(TIMIDLY) Please? I need it to buy a new mixing bowl.
JOHN
Yeah, he dropped Nanna's Nan's Nan's bowl and he want to buy a replacement from the Help the Whale charity shop.
CON MAN COLIN
If you needed the money that much, why did you give it to that idiot? You know he's rubbish at finding the King.
JOHN
(TO THOMAS) Good point.
CON MAN COLIN
I'll tell you what. My mum likes you two, so if you can find the King then I'll give you back the money.
JOHN STEPS FORWARD. THOMAS STOPS HIM.
THOMAS
I'll do this.
CON MAN COLIN SHUFFLES THE CARDS AROUND THE TABLE.
CON MAN COLIN
Where's the King?
THOMAS
(POINTING TO THE RIGHT HAND CARD) There.
CON MAN COLIN
Are you sure?
THOMAS
Yes, I have eyes like a hawk. It's definitely that one.
CON MAN COLIN TURNS OVER THE RIGHT HAND CARD REVEALING AN ACE.
THOMAS
What! (ANNOYED) Give me back my money.
CON MAN COLIN
No!
THOMAS SQUARES UP TO CON MAN COLIN WHO SNARLS.
THOMAS BACKS AWAY.
THOMAS
(TIMIDLY) Please?
CON MAN COLIN
Look, I'll let you have another go at finding the King. But, this time it's going to cost you.
THOMAS
What?
CON MAN COLIN
I've done my good deed for the day. You've had your free go. Now you're going have to pay.
THOMAS
But, I haven't got any money.
CON MAN COLIN
Not my problem. No bet, no game.
THOMAS
(TO JOHN) You got any money?
JOHN GESTURES TOWARDS CON MAN COLIN.
THOMAS
We haven't got any money.
CON MAN COLIN
I'll tell you what, have you something else you can bet?
CUT TO:
EXT. BUS STOP - AFTERNOON
CLOSE UP ON THOMAS' IRRITATED FACE.
THOMAS
Why do I listen to anything you say?
THOMAS
(MIMICKING JOHN) It's the one on the left.
ZOOM OUT REVEALING THOMAS NAKED EXCEPT FOR A VEST AND A PAIR OF PANTS.
THOMAS
Well, I suppose today can't get any worse.
A CAR DRIVES THOUGH A LARGE PUDDLE. JOHN MOVES TO ONE SIDE. WATER SPLASHES UP LEAVING THOMAS WET AND DIRTY.
CUT TO:
EXT. BUS STOP - AFTERNOON
THOMAS STANDS WITH HIS ARMS CROSSED AND AN ENRAGED LOOK ON HIS FACE.
PAN TO JOHN WHO'S RUBBING HIS NOSE.
A BUS ARRIVES. JOHN AND THOMAS GET ON IT. THE DOOR CLOSES AND THE BUS DRIVES AWAY.
AFTER A SHORT DISTANCE THE BUS STOPS. THE DOOR OPENS AND THOMAS FLIES OUT ONTO THE FLOOR. THE DOOR CLOSES AND THE BUS DRIVES AWAY.
AFTER A SHORT DISTANCE THE BUS STOPS. THE DOOR OPENS AND JOHN FLIES OUT ONTO THE FLOOR. THE DOOR CLOSES AND THE BUS DRIVES AWAY.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - AFTERNOON
ARMS CROSSED, THOMAS MARCHES ALONG THE STREET. JOHN FOLLOWS A FEW PACES BEHIND. JOHN KICKS A STONE WHICH UNINTENTIONALLY HITS THOMAS ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD.
JOHN
Oops.
THOMAS STOPS AND GLARES AT JOHN.
THOMAS
Oh look, a penny.
THOMAS POINTS TO THE FLOOR.
JOHN BENDS OVER TO LOOK.
THOMAS GOES TO KICK JOHN UP THE BACKSIDE BUT MISSES, TRIPS AND LANDS ON HIS BACKSIDE.
JOHN
Where?
JOHN NOTICES THOMAS ON THE FLOOR.
JOHN
What you're doing down there?
THOMAS EXPLODES WITH ANGER.
HOLDING ONTO HIS PANTS SO THEY DON'T FALL DOWN, THOMAS CHASES JOHN ALONG THE ROAD.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE END OF JOHN & THOMAS' STREET - AFTERNOON
JOHN RUNS AROUND THE CORNER FOLLOWED CLOSELY BY THOMAS.
JOHN SUDDENLY STOPS.
JOHN
Look!
THOMAS STOPS.
THOMAS
What?
JOHN POINTS OUT OF SHOT.
A LOOK OF TERROR APPEARS ON THOMAS' FACE.
CUT TO:
EXT. OUTSIDE JOHN & THOMAS' HOUSE - AFTERNOON
NANNA, THE VICAR AND THE VICAR' WIFE GETS OUT OF A CAR AND WALK INTO THE HOUSE.
CUT TO:
EXT. THE END OF JOHN & THOMAS' STREET - AFTERNOON
THOMAS
What am I going to do?
CUT TO:
EXT. JOHN & THOMAS' BACK GARDEN - AFTERNOON
HIDING IN A LARGE BUSH, JOHN AND THOMAS STARE AT THE HOUSE
THOMAS
You clear on the plan?
JOHN
Think so.
THOMAS PUSHES JOHN OUT OF THE BUSH.
THOMAS
Well, don't mess it up.
JOHN WALKS TOWARDS THE HOUSE.
CUT TO:
INT. BOTTOM OF THE HOUSE STAIRS - AFTERNOON
CARRYING A BALL OF CLOTHES, JOHN RUNS DOWN THE STAIRS AND ALMOST KNOCKS INTO NANNA AT THE BOTTOM.
NANNA
What have I told you about running down the stairs?
JOHN
Not to?
NANNA
Exactly! So don't let me catch you again. You don't want to be back on the Easter Bunny's naughty list?
JOHN
No Nanna.
NANNA
What you doing with Thomas' clothes?
JOHN
Nothing.
NANNA
You two playing funny buggers again?
JOHN
No Nanna.
NANNA
Well don't. Ellie's wedding photos were ruined by your last argument.
JOHN
That wasn't my fault.
NANNA
Whose barrel of orange paint was it?
JOHN
Mine Nanna.
NANNA
Whose banana skin was it?
JOHN
Mine Nanna.
NANNA
Well then, it's your fault. It was weeks before I could get that Oompa Loompa song out of my head.
JOHN SMILES.
NANNA
Have you seen my Nan's Nan's mixing bowl?
JOHN
No Nanna.
NANNA
(WALKING AWAY) Where's that gone?
CUT TO:
EXT. JOHN & THOMAS' BACK GARDEN - AFTERNOON
CLOSE UP ON THOMAS' INFURIATED FACE.
THOMAS
Where did you get these?
JOHN
Under your bed.
ZOOM OUT REVEALING THOMAS DRESSED IN A PAIR OF THOMAS THE TANK PYJAMAS WHICH ARE FAR TOO SMALL.
THOMAS
I had these when I was eleven. How am I supposed to get past Nanna dressed like this?
JOHN SHRUGS.
THOMAS
Think, Thomas, think.
CUT TO:
EXT. JOHN & THOMAS' BACK GARDEN - AFTERNOON
THOMAS PLACES A LADDER AGAINST THE HOUSE WALL UNDER AN OPEN WINDOW.
THOMAS
Hold the ladder while I climb up to that open window.
JOHN
Ooo-kay-doo-kay.
THOMAS
Don't mess it up.
THOMAS CLIMBS THE LADDER.
A WASP LANDS ON JOHN'S NOSE. JOHN JUMPS BACK KNOCKING THE LADDER. THOMAS FALLS, LANDING WITH HIS HEAD INSIDE AND HIS LEGS OUTSIDE. THE WINDOW DROPS TRAPPING THOMAS.
CUT TO:
INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - AFTERNOON
THE BATHROOM DOOR BURSTS OPEN. THE VICAR'S WIFE, WITH HER KNICKERS AROUND HER ANKLES, RUNS OUT SCREAMING.
NANNA
(SHOUTING) Thomas!
CUT TO:
EXT. HOUSE DOORWAY - AFTERNOON
NANNA STANDS NEXT TO A FIREMAN. THE FIRE ENGINE'S BLUE LIGHT REFLECTS OFF THE WALL.
NANNA
Thank you officer.
FIREMAN
Are you sure about this?
NANNA
Oh yes. He won't be needing them any time this century.
THE FIREMAN, CARRYING A PILE OF THOMAS' MAGAZINES, WALKS AWAY.
FADE OUT:
