At the risk of turning this into a book forum... Page 2

Quote: Lazzard @ August 13 2013, 5:53 PM BST

I suppose the question is, would you pay £3.99 to find out???

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Yes I would. But then, I read anything and everything, so I'm a bad example.

I like your choice of theme. In my experience, most books about regret, missed opportunities and past mistakes are written by female authors using female protagonists.

Usually the protag is off to open a cake shop by the sea after her divorce. (A personal dream of mine, should I ever get a divorce).

I like that you are tackling it from a male perspective. It immediately makes it more interesting. If you publish it, I promise to buy it.

Nicely written, with wit and poignancy; if I picked it up as a paperback I would turn the next page.

However, the layered flashbacks would be a technical challenge for any writer and I am not quite sure you have entirely cracked it. Introducing the kitchen scene you neatly side step the need for the past perfect, but I think it is called for when introducing his marriage, even if you then slip back into the perfect. But then it all gets a bit confusing as you slip back further in time to cover the first kiss and describe his relationship with the Old Boys Club, then forward again to the meeting, then run through the history of the marriage to the present. I think it maybe needs tidying up with more use of tenses to signify shifts of timeframe.

I did not understand "doing just enough around the house to keep Health & Safety off his back".

Contributing to pedants corner:

'shamefully', in the context you use it, should be 'ashamedly' or 'shamefacedly'

'more dowdier' should be 'more dowdy' or just 'dowdier'

'had soon became' should be 'had soon become'

PS Isn't Manny a Jewish name? Or is this an intentional Paddy the Greek type reference?

Thanks Jennie - I've had that comment about the male perspective before. Female readers do seem to respond well to this.
I'll hold you to that promise of a purchase!

Tursiops - thanks for reading and the vote of confidence.
Yes - the tense thing.
I'm trying to get that feeling of reeling back and back - I'd hoped I'd got away with it, but I can see I'm going to have to try it out on some more people if it's causing confusion ( actually, confusion I can live with, it's the breaking of the flow and that taking you out of the story that's not so good).

I'm going to get it properly edited before going to print - it's something I'll go over with them.

'Health & Safety' bit was just meant to say he kept the place habitable - but only just.
It ever so slightly holds me up when I read it, if I'm honest - it'll have to go.

Pedantic points taken on board and soon to be attended to.

Manny just made me laugh at the time.