Comedy Sketch, would love Feedback Page 3

Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ August 9 2013, 6:59 PM BST

Maybe my dry sense of humour didn't work? or I should have finished with LOL! I was trying to exaggerate the advice I had been given in another post about how to handle comments and how to believe in what you are doing and push it to the extreme. it was only meant to be funny not true!

I'm starting to get the feeling I don't belong on here!
maybe I should leave!

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Your upset may reveal the areas you need to work on in your comedy

You're too real, comedy is twisted reality

It's more of a sitcom scene than a sketch: the dialogue is actually pretty good for the most part but it's relying on jokes and unfolding drama to move it along rather than a core quirky angle.

As a dialogue-driven sitcom scene its pretty decent actually, given some suitably hammy actors, an enthusiastic audience and preferably set in a perfectly regular bar without any references to Mars (throw away the GSOH line in particular). Could probably do with a snappy line earlier than the coaster joke, but at least the coaster line is funny.

Quote: enigmatic @ August 10 2013, 12:33 AM BST

It's more of a sitcom scene than a sketch: the dialogue is actually pretty good for the most part but it's relying on jokes and unfolding drama to move it along rather than a core quirky angle.

As a dialogue-driven sitcom scene its pretty decent actually, given some suitably hammy actors, an enthusiastic audience and preferably set in a perfectly regular bar without any references to Mars (throw away the GSOH line in particular). Could probably do with a snappy line earlier than the coaster joke, but at least the coaster line is funny.

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That is true the dialogue flows well and the few jokes are all pretty good

Quote: enigmatic @ August 10 2013, 12:33 AM BST

It's more of a sitcom scene than a sketch: the dialogue is actually pretty good for the most part but it's relying on jokes and unfolding drama to move it along rather than a core quirky angle.

As a dialogue-driven sitcom scene its pretty decent actually, given some suitably hammy actors, an enthusiastic audience and preferably set in a perfectly regular bar without any references to Mars (throw away the GSOH line in particular). Could probably do with a snappy line earlier than the coaster joke, but at least the coaster line is funny.

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thank you so much Enigmatic, I've looked at the last few post you have made and mostly agree with your comments so I will take on board what you have said.

I guess I wanted to make a sketch show sit com in a way as im tried of watching program's such as little Britain and Catherine tate where every week the jokes are the same, I thought if it was based in a bar, you could have some funny jokes told every week by the same people without having to be the same joke! I hope I'm not the only one who watched little Britain and laughed his head off to the saying "I want that one" or "Yer but no but" however after two or three weeks I got bored of the same joke! this way, every week the same people could have another set of funny lines!

Quote: sootyj @ August 10 2013, 12:50 AM BST

That is true the dialogue flows well and the few jokes are all pretty good

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Wow Sootyj that is very nice of you to say, you are one of the gods on here as far as I am concerned and some of your work has had my in hysterics (not all of it lol!) but thank you,

Quote: Jennie @ August 9 2013, 7:07 PM BST

Then I apologise. I thought it wasn't really in keeping with other things you have posted. It is difficult to detect sarcasm on the Internet

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I've not really understood sarcasm since 1984! lol
No need to apoligise for me not being clear!

.

Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ August 9 2013, 2:38 PM BST

I've read it over again today and I think it's just about the best peice of work on here! but thanks for your input

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Well that got a chuckle from me

Thanks I feel that way about myself

Now free your words from your excess dialogue

Lots of people have said I shouldn't have set it in the future so I've taken all you advice on board and changed it to reflect better the modern day experience of drinking in a weatherspoons pub:

Regular customer goes into a Weatherspoons bar, waits 25 minutes to get served even though theirs only 4 other people and 6 staff in the place.

CUSTOMER
Can I have a pint of lager please.

Bar Staff says very little, goes away takes 5 minutes to pour 1 pint, takes his money.
Customer is left standing at bar with no conversation and no one to talk to, gets bored, drinks up, goes home, invites friends round!
nothing funny happens the end!

I may have over edited slightly! lol

Tony my love - I reckon you can have so much fun with this.

I used to work in a pub - a sedate pub for the more mature gentleman. There was so much material in there for a sitcom.

For some people, it is a home away from home - they go in there to discuss their lives and solve problems ("Cheers" did this to great effect.)

I still remember the look of venom I received if the head on a pint was more than 1/2 centimetre

Or the chap who thought the only way to thank me for giving him change was to grab my hand and kiss my fingers 8 times.

There are lots of characters in this environment, trapped there because they have nowhere else to go. It is a great idea for a sitcom. Just exaggerate those characters and write a story.

Hi Jennie,

Thank you, but its always been my pet hate the way sitcoms over exaggerate people as if real people aren't funny, I've seen some very good sitcoms ruined by exaggerated unrealistic people, as you say, people are strange enough as it is, just because a formula is how something is done doesn't mean it has to be always done that way,
or we would all be writing like last of the summer wine! lol

Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ August 15 2013, 1:59 PM BST

Hi Jennie,

Thank you, but its always been my pet hate the way sitcoms over exaggerate people as if real people aren't funny, I've seen some very good sitcoms ruined by exaggerated unrealistic people, as you say, people are strange enough as it is, just because a formula is how something is done doesn't mean it has to be always done that way,
or we would all be writing like last of the summer wine! lol

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I didn't quite say that. Real people are good source material, but sitcom takes the truth and exaggerates it. Real people are not funny enough as they are.

The Big Bang Theory takes the truth that 'some people are a bit geeky' and exaggerates it.

LOTSW takes the truth that 'some old people act like children' and exaggerates it.

The Office takes the truth that 'some bosses are a bit cringeworthy' and exaggerates it.

Thank you for your comments but I want to do something different, Did you ever see the comedy on CH4 called Green Room? that did not conform yet worked very well, Friends all very normal people, after all we are all very quirky in our own way, I like Not going out, they are two normal people, but most of the comedy comes from the one liners they say! same with friends and frazer.
that's what I think, now all I have to do is find a way to put these ideas on paper to prove my point! lol

Well, good luck with it. I look forward to seeing the results.

I suppose the cafe is a lot like what you're doing, as is starlings.

So I guess if you write it, people will watch it and prodcos will pay for it. But not that many and even then your stuff is so close to normative that it's still at a disadvantage.

YOu don't need whackiness or jokes, but some more comedic structures or stuff would be good.

I think Coronation street is probably the best example when it does comedy, of sitcomlite which is what I think you're aiming at.

I just found a Forum on snowboarding which I've never done myself but think I know a lot about so I think I'll go make some comments on there about how everyone else is doing it wrong! lol