Help needed for a first-timer...part three!

Hi all,

I would appreciate a little advice please. I've been trying to find a slightly different way of opening my set for my very first open mic spot. The standard approach seems to be to start off with a really strong joke - but I'm thinking of taking a slightly unconventional approach. Fortune favours the brave and all that.. My opening takes a LONG time to get to the punchline and I'd really appreciate your advice as to whether or not I'm being brave - or stupid!

This is the opening....,

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen,

No, I really mean that. If you hadn't come out tonight, I would still have had to go ahead with my set. It's a contractual thing. Even if only one of you had turned up, the show would have gone ahead.

(Start to look sad)

Of course, there would have been repercussions. With only one person in the audience, the atmosphere would have been like a morgue and my confidence would have been utterly crushed. Afterwards, I would probably have headed home, not caring if I wanted to live or die, stopping off at the pub on my way to drown my sorrows. Unfortunately the police in my area are pretty hot when it comes to drink driving, so would have almost certainly stopped me, resulting in a fine, driving ban, public humiliation and the loss of my day job. Without an income or car, my wife would have probably sought comfort in the arms of work colleague, with the resulting break-up of a previously happy marriage. Keen to start a new life with her lover, the kids would have been taken into care and their resentment would probably have led to them never wanting to see me again, even after the arrival of my first grandchild. Without a job, car, wife or children, the burden would have been too much to bear, so it's a certainty that one cold and lonely Christmas Eve, I would have tied bricks around my ankles and jumped into the icy waters of the Manchester Ship Canal, slowly sinking to the murky depths below.

(Suddenly looking very jaunty and upbeat)

So, you see? I really AM pleased that you came out tonight. Now let's get get on with the comedy!

Not entirely sure that you have actually helped me there, Tim

Nice!

Personally I always think it's best to reassure the audience that you are funny by getting a laugh as soon as possible, preferably in the first 10-20 seconds and the bigger the better.

You could probably still do that opening monologue but I'd sneak a quick gag up front, otherwise it's a very long wait for the payoff, a long wait that audiences might not be willing to make if they don't already have faith in your ability to make them laugh.

Thank you Tony, I really appreciate your advice. I think I'm nearly ready now, but it's been so helpful to tap into the experience of guys that have already been there. It's really good of you to take the time to help out us newbies!