I originally wrote this to be performed (which it never has by the way) and just keep coming back to it. I am looking for some independent advice with a view to the following -
Should I bin it?
Shorten it to a sketch?
Lengthen it to a sit com?
Keep it in a draw and refer to it as 'my precious'
Sorry about the length.
(and no, that does not work as a chat up line)
'WELCOME'
A short play for two characters, male or female. with minimum set.
DIMLY LIT STAGE. CENTER STAGE A MAN IS LAYING ON A TABLE OR TROLLY, COVERED IN A WHITE SHEET WITH ONLY HIS FEET EXPOSED TOWARDS THE AUDIENCE. A LUGGAGE LABEL IS TIED TO A BIG TOE. OFF TO THE SIDE RAVEN LURKS IN THE SHADOWS.
THE MAN SUDDENLY SITS BOLT UPRIGHT MAKING A HUGE LOUD RASPING NOISE AS HE BREATHES IN. RAVEN MOVES TOWARD HIM.
RAVEN: It's ok, steady now...
THE MAN HAVING FILLED HIS LUNGS IS STRUGGLING TO BREATH OUT.
RAVEN: Out, out! Breathe out!
THE MAN EXHALES LOUDLY THEN GASPS A FEW SHORT BREATHS.
RAVEN: That's it steady breaths, well done. Nice regular breathing, in, out, in, out...
THE MAN LOOKS QUESTIONINGLY AT RAVEN AS HIS BREATHING STEADIES.
RAVEN: Right. (COMPOSES HIMSELF) Welcome, I am...
MAN: Where am i?
RAVEN: Hospital, you are in a hospital. (COMPOSES HIMSELF AGAIN) Welcome, I am...
MAN: Hospital? It doesn't look like a Hospital?
RAVEN: Well it is. (BEAT) Welcome, I...
MAN: Where are we? Why can't I see where we are?
RAVEN: It is dark, your eyes will become adjusted to it shortly.
THE STAGE LIGHTS COME UP.
RAVEN: See.
MAN: (LOOKING AROUND) Mortuary! I'm in the mortuary!
RAVEN: Welcome!
MAN: Why am I in the mortuary? Why am I under a white sheet?
RAVEN: (LESS CONFIDENTLY) Welcome...
MAN: Look I have a tag on my toe. Why would I be lying in a mortuary, under a sheet, with a tag on my toe?
RAVEN: Could we possibly start again? I have a speech prepared; I was up all day learning it...
MAN: Stop. I need to think (beat) I have to clear my head.
RAVEN: Good idea, take your time. This must all be a bit of a shock. Let me do my speech then it will all become a little clearer. Welcome! I am... oh, bugger! It's gone now.
MAN: Am I dead?
RAVEN: No..well yes. That is you aren't but you were. Look it is all in the speech.
MAN: Who are you?
RAVEN: Ah! I am Raven.
MAN: Are you a Doctor?
RAVEN: No, I am here to welcome you.
MAN: Shouldn't we get a doctor? I mean I'm alive, there has obviously been some sort of mistake. (SHOUTS) Doctor!
RAVEN: Shhhh! That would be a very bad idea.
MAN: Why? (SHOUTS) Doctor!
RAVEN: Welcome, I am here to welcome you to the ancient and Royal brotherhood of the Vampire.
MAN: (PAUSE). (SHOUTS)Doctor! Raven? Raving mad, more like. I'm going home. (LOOKS AROUND) Where are my clothes?
THE MAN SWINGS HIS LEGS ROUND TO HANG OVER THE SIDE OF THE TABLE.
RAVEN: You can never go home.
MAN: Why not?
RAVEN: (PAUSE) Welcome, I am here to welcome you...
MAN: Why can't I go home?
RAVEN: Because you are one of the undead.
MAN: No I'm not.
RAVEN: Yes you are. You are undead and I can prove it.
MAN: How?
RAVEN REACHES FORWARD AND TWISTS THE MANS NIPPLE.
MAN: (PAUSE) Owwwwww! What does that prove?
RAVEN: That you are not dead.
MAN: I know I'm not dead, I'm sitting up. Dead people don't sit up!
RAVEN: Not normally, no. But you were dead, a few moments ago before you sat up. That is why you are here. That is why I am here. (BEAT) Welcome, I am here...
MAN: I can't be dead!
RAVEN: Undead actually. I know it's a technical thing, but it is very important to us. We all get really fed up of being lumped in with the dead. We went with 'the living challenged' for a while but undead just works better all round.
MAN: You? You are undead?
RAVEN: Vampires usually are.
MAN: You are a vampire?
RAVEN: As I don't live and breathe.
MAN: Are you here to bite me?
RAVEN: You have not really grasped the situation here have you? I am your greeter.
MAN: Greeter?
RAVEN: I am here to greet you as a fellow brother vampire. To guide you through your awakening, and ease your transition into your new, non life.
MAN: I am a vampire?
RAVEN: As of about 5 minutes ago, yes.
MAN: I don't feel like a vampire.
RAVEN: Well you won't will you; I mean you have not been one before so you cannot possibly know what being a vampire feels like, can you?
MAN: But I feel normal...
RAVEN: That is it, 'normal' that is exactly what being a vampire feels like; it feels a bit like feeling 'normal'.
MAN: How did I become a vampire?
RAVEN: The usual way, you were bitten by one of the brotherhood.
MAN: But if I was bitten then I would have two puncture wounds on my neck...
THE MAN SLOWLY REACHES UP TO HIS NECK.
MAN: Arghhh! (SCREAMS IN PANIC, AND LOOKS AT FINGERS). There is a bloody great hole in my neck! I put my fingers right in it!
RAVEN: Shhhh! Calm down! What did you expect?
MAN: I don't know, two little pin pricks or something.
RAVEN: That is just in the films. You shouldn't believe everything you see in the films. Could you imagine trying to drink eight pints of blood through two tiny pin pricks?
MAN: Half of my bloody neck is missing!
RAVEN: (LOOKING) It isn't that bad. Missed your jugular...
MAN: Isn't that bad? Isn't that bad?!
RAVEN: That is why you are here...
MAN: What?
RAVEN: The brother that bit you, he missed your jugular vein. If he had got that you would have bled to death in minutes. He must have been disturbed before he could finish you off.
MAN: But...If he didn't ki...finish me off, why am I in the morgue?
RAVEN: 'The Blessing'.
MAN: The what?
RAVEN: 'The Blessing' that's what we call it when one brother bestows the gift of brotherhood onto another.
MAN: But I don't want to be 'Blessed'. You can take your gift of brotherhood and...
RAVEN: Ah!
MAN: ...keep it!
RAVEN: Usually when a brother feeds he tears open a major artery on the donor...
MAN: Donor?
RAVEN: ...or often the Jugular, which although a vein, not an artery, is ideally positioned; on the neck just below the surface...
MAN: Donor?!
RAVEN: The heart then pumps the donor's blood out very quickly allowing the brother to sate his appetite...
MAN: Victim, victim not donor. They aren't brothers and donors, they are vampires and victims.
RAVEN: ...and allowing the donor to slip peacefully away.
MAN: There is nothing 'peaceful' about this! It is all about murder and the drinking of human blood! (PAUSE) Oh, dear...
RAVEN: What is it?
MAN: All this talk of blood, I suddenly feel thirsty. Oh no! Urgghh.
RAVEN: Fancy a nice warm pint...
MAN: But how did I end up like this?
RAVEN: (PAUSE) Welcome, I am...
MAN: Sod the speech! Just tell me what happened!
RAVEN: When a brother bites a donor, sometimes the donor does not die immediately from the bite. In which case the brother or vampire may have 'blessed' or infected the donor or victim with the 'gift' or virus that will turn the donor or victim into a member of the brotherhood.
MAN: That's what happened to me?
RAVEN: Welcome brother.
MAN: But what am I doing in the morgue?
RAVEN: The 'Gift' has to re write the DNA of the donor. To do this it has to shutdown the body in order to start it up again with the new information in place.
MAN: Like rebooting a computer?
RAVEN: Where do you think Bill Gates got the idea from?
MAN: Is he...
RAVEN: You would be surprised...
MAN: Up all day, I get it now.
RAVEN: Sorry?
MAN: Earlier, you said you had been 'up all day learning the speech'. Vampires normally sleep during the day don't they?
RAVEN: (SHAKES HIS HEAD) No, that would be the films again. I am just suffering from a bit of Jet lag; I flew in from the sub-continent a couple of days ago and my body clock is not right yet.
MAN: So what else is just a myth then? Crosses? (RAVEN SHAKES HIS HEAD AT All THE FOLLOWING) Stakes? Having no reflection? Turning into a bat? Immortality? Garlic? Having a mesmeric effect on women?
RAVEN: Well...
MAN: Yes?
RAVEN: No.
MAN: Well what is the point of being a member of the brotherhood then?
RAVEN: Well we aren't immortal but we do stay 'undead' for a long time, usually about two hundred and fifty years. We heal quickly. That wound on your neck will heal completely in the next couple of days. We are stronger and faster than before and we have much heightened senses such as hearing and smell. All these things are designed to support your one overriding instinct, that of survival. Your survival instinct will dominate your every waking moment and inform every decision you take from here forward. This is what being a member of the brotherhood gives you - and all this for just ten per cent of your income.
MAN: What?
RAVEN: Sorry, just my little joke.
MAN: You haven't done this before have you? This greeting thing?
RAVEN: No, does it show? To be honest I have not been a 'brother' for very long.
MAN: So what's the down side then? Apart from being undead all the time.
RAVEN: (LOOKS AROUND) Well one thing they don't tell you in the speech is that we all suffer terribly from haemorrhoids.
MAN: Piles?
RAVEN: It is the diet; there is no fibre in blood you see.
MAN: That's just great two hundred and fifty years of piles to look forward to.
RAVEN: They do heal every two days or so, then pop out again a day after feeding.
MAN: So is that it then, just sitting around...
RAVEN: Standing, it's mainly standing.
MAN: Standing around waiting for the next drink to walk past?
RAVEN: Well there is the name.
MAN: What name?
RAVEN: Well you have to choose your 'vampire' name.
MAN: Like 'RAVEN'?
RAVEN: Yes. But to be honest I would stay away from the whole 'Gothic' image thing. I thought RAVEN sounded good at the time but I am thinking of changing to Colin or Murray.
MAN: I'll just keep my own name.
RAVEN: You cannot do that. The old you is dead remember? Anyway you won't actually be able to recall your old name.
MAN: Of course I can...
RAVEN: It is all part of the awakening; you forget all the details of your previous life. That is why you cannot ever go home, there is no going back.
MAN: Don't be ridiculous. My name it's (beat) it is...
RAVEN: It's for the best, believe me. Even your appearance has changed, small changes, but even your loved ones would walk past you in the street and never recognise you.
MAN: My name...my name... Is John!
RAVEN: What?
MAN: My name it is John! (HE GRABS AND READS THE LABEL ON HIS TOE) John Doe! Ha see! I do remember.
RAVEN: John Doe? Right, I see. How are you feeling? We ought to be thinking about getting away from here soon.
MAN: Before the Sun comes up?
RAVEN: The Sun? Oh, I see, another myth I'm afraid. (HE HOLDS OUT HIS ARM) I got a good 'Tan' whilst in India. No we ought to get going because you have an autopsy scheduled for 8am.
MAN: Autopsy?
RAVEN: Yes, and that might test even a brothers powers of healing.
MAN: When did I die?
RAVEN: Just a few hours ago. You were admitted in a coma the day before yesterday.
MAN: How did you know I had been infected?
RAVEN: I didn't until you awoke just now, not for sure. The brotherhood keeps a lookout, in Hospitals, in the press, for any people who fit the profile of the infection. Then it is just a case of watching to see if they awaken. It is always within a few hours of Death.
MAN: Then you are there to greet them.
RAVEN: One of the brothers, yes. At least we do now. In the old days, in the old countries they used to be left to awaken in their tombs or even in their cold graves all alone. Most would have gone mad by the time they dug themselves out. Good job we are undead in more enlightened times.
RAVEN HELPS THE MAN TO WRAP THE SHEET AROUND HIMSELF THEN ASSISTS HIM DOWN FROM THE TABLE. SUPPORTING HIM THEY BOTH START TO EXIT SLOWLY.
RAVEN: It's not a bad unlife. You get to do pretty much what you want. You have time to accrue wealth or knowledge or both.
MAN: And take holidays in exotic places like India?
RAVEN: Yes. Though you have to fast first, if you want to be able to sit down on a long flight. (THEY BOTH SMILE).
MAN: And it's a very long flight from India?
RAVEN: Over eight hours.
MAN: You must have been a 'ravenous' RAVEN.
RAVEN: Oh yes, when the hunger grips you, you really have very little control. You are just driven to eat.
MAN: Managed to wait until you got off the plane though?
RAVEN: Just. It took a lot of will power. I could actually hear the blood coursing through the arteries of the Woman sitting next to me. I only just managed to wait until I got into a Taxi.
MAN: Taxi?
RAVEN: And even then I was just getting started when someone pulled the door open.
MAN: I remember... something about a Taxi...
RAVEN: I had only managed a quick bite....
MAN: I think I drove a Taxi at the Airport rank...
RAVEN: I didn't get the jugular...
MAN: You! It was you!
RAVEN: Welcome brother...
LIGHTS OUT
If you have read to here many thanks. All comments will be valued.
Regards
playfull
or Readers Digest.