British Comedy Guide

Lunch on a park bench

EXTERNAL - DAY - PARK

A MAN DRESSED IN A SUIT IS WALKING THROUGH THE PARK, HE IS LOOKING FOR A BENCH TO SIT ON TO EAT HIS LUNCH. HE SPOTS A BENCH AND IS ABOUT TO SIT ON IT.

Voice from a distance: Don't sit on that bench.

MAN LOOKS AROUND BUT CANNOT SEE ANYBODY, AND GOES TO SIT DOWN AGAIN.

Voice from a distance: I wouldn't sit on that bench if I was you.

MAN LOOKS AROUND TO WHERE THE VOICE CAME FROM, HE CAN SEE SOME BUSHES AND AN OLD MAN IS HIDING IN THEM.

Man: Why what is wrong with the bench?

Old Man: They don't like you sitting on it.

Man: Who, who doesn't like it?

OLD MAN POINTS TO A BIG BRICK BUILDING.

Old man: Them lot in there, they'll come and get you and take you away.

Man: I don't care about them, it's a public place I can sit where I want.

Old man: Don't say I didn't warn you.

MAN SITS DOWN AND BEGINS TO EAT HIS SANDWICHES.

HE SPOTS TWO BURLY MEN DRESSED IN WHITE HEADING TOWARDS HIM, THEY APPROACH HIM AND ENGAGE IN A BRIEF CONVERSATION, HE POINTS INTO THE BUSHES AT THE OLD MAN, THE TWO MEN WALK TOWARDS THE BUSHES.

Man 1: Come on Mr Williams, we have told you before you're not supposed to leave the grounds unsupervised.

END

That's funny, nice and simple.

The only thing I would suggest changing is the conversation with the hospital porters (or whetever mysterious role they plaY), it breaks the tension. Just have the two men stride out of the building, looking mean, stright towards the chap on the bench as soon as he sits down. He looks a bit worried. They simply walk past him, grab the old dude and frogmarch him off.

"In the bushes again are you, Cedric? oh, you'll pay for this! [To man on bench] Afternoon, sir, lovely day" and exit.

Or just have the man on the bench deadpan a "he's in there" and point at the bushes, before the men in white coats even strike up a conversation?

Maybe the old man shouting "See, I told you so.." at him as he's dragged away?

I think it would work better if the man on the bench was actually taken away and the voice from the bush could say:

I told you to watch out you soft bastard now your for it, anal probe job at the very least!

Thanks for the feedback all, some good suggestions and all funny.

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