SCENE 7 INT. FLAE REHEARSAL ROOM 10 MINUTES LATER
DAVE JAMIESON
Alright then lads and lassies anyone brave enough to have a go at the old stand-up.
Mary Ann laughs.
BERNARD
I'll dae it , Dave .I love telling jokes.
DAVE JAMIESON
Up you come then Bernardo, me old mate!
Bernard walks up to Dave.
Oh he's a big lad , isn't he ladies and gentlemen. Ooh!
Starts singing
Who ate all the pies?
Who ate all the pies?
You fat Bernard,
You fat Bernard
You ate all the pies.
Bernard glowers at him .
There's a little comedy tip for you there , boys and girls. Throw in the odd ad lib, which is Latin for ad lib, by the way.
Waits for a laugh.
Get a punter up from the audience and gently and tactfully send them up. If they've got any funny features like Big Bernie Boy here, draw the audience's attention to it. The audience will love it and your punter will think it's a great laugh too.
BERNARD
That's a bit personal , by the way , Dave. And it's stupid as well. I never eat pies, I prefer bridies or sausage rolls so it doesnae make sense . OK?
Pause while Bernard seethes.
And I never said anything about you wearing a wig or that you're a wee funny looking guy.
Cuts to Bernard finishing a joke.
Three times last night and twice the morning!
Applause and laughter. Bernard sits back down.
DAVE JAMIESON
Well done Bernie Boy, me old mate. I'll have to watch out for me job, I think. So nobody else fancy a go? Good.
TONY
I'll have a go.
DAVE JAMIESON
We'll finish ....
TONY
I'll have a go.
DAVE JAMIESON
OK. Alright eh ....
TONY
Tony!
DAVE JAMIESON
Alright , Tony, me old mate .Show us what you've got?
TONY
I'll show you what I've got later , sweetheart but I want to dae a wee bit of comedy first.
Laughter from the students.
Knock, knock
ALL
Who's there?
TONY
The Royal Mail
ALL
The Royal Mail who?
TONY
I don't know. I just deliver the parcels
Laughter.
A nurse walks into the bank to cash a cheque. She reaches into her handbag and pulls out an anal thermometer.
"Aw f**king brilliant" she says to the cashier. "That means some arse
hole's got my pen."
Laughter
A doctor had just finished shagging one of his patients, when he thinks to himself: you know it's not right me shagging my patients. Just then, a wee voice in his head says och don't worry about it , almost all doctors shag their patients. The doctor felt a little bit better, until another voice in his head said: aye but they're probably not a vet....
Laughter
Cuts to a little later
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at her and all his professionalism goes out the window.
He tells her to get undressed.
After she' s stripped aff he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you ken what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you ken what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins shag the woman. He says to her, "Do you ken what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting a dose of the clap, which is why I came here in the first place."
Laughter
DAVE
Ok! Ok!. That's enough! Tony, me old mate, that's alright as far as it goes but a bit blue for my tastes. Maybe that would be alright for a stag do or something but not for a family audience or in front of the ladies.
MARY ANN
Och yer arse!
FRANNY
Pish!
LESLEY
Ye're talking shite!
FADES
