SCENE 5 INT FLAE REHEARSAL ROOM SAME DAY
MORNING (11.00)
The BBC crew are busy preparing. The students are sitting chatting. Dave Jamieson bursts in.
DAVE JAMIESON
Morning campers. Bing Bang Bong ...
BERNARD
Jumping to his feet.
How about a song?
DAVE JAMIESON
Giving the thumbs up to Bernard.
Alright , me old mate!
FRANNY
Naw , tough luck!
Get yerself tae fu...
MARY ANN
Franny!
BERNARD
Sitting back down.
Did you hear that . That's him .That's the Dave Jamieson . Mister Saturday Night . Bing Bang Bong , he said and I said How About A Song? Magic!
JOHN
Naw , tragic!
DIRECTOR
Ah David . Glad you decided to honour us with your presence. This is Liam the drama tutor.
Dave starts slightly when he sees that Liam is black. In cod Jamaican.
DAVE JAMIESON
Ello der , mi brethren ! Give me some skin , mi bredda .Whappen , werra all de ganja?
Raises his hand to give Liam a high five.
Liam extends his hand for a normal handshake.
LIAM
How do you do. Very nice to meet you. The class are all terribly excited about you coming along to see them. May I introduce them to you.
DAVE JAMIESON
Fire away, me old mate!
LIAM
First of all we have Stephen over there on the far right
DAVE JAMIESON
Oh that's what I like to hear. Sensible lad.
Waves to Stephen who is blind .
Alright Steve, me old mate!
STEPHEN
To John.
Is that bastard waving at me?
JOHN
Aye , just humour him. Wave back. Twelve o'clock. Straight in front of you.
Stephen waves back.
STEPHEN
Aye, brand new!
Cuts to after all the introductions have been made. Mary Ann has cornered Dave in a corner of the room.
MARY ANN
So Dave sweetheart, you've been married eight times? I tell you , the modern woman'll not put up with a damp squib in the bedroom. They'll drop you straight away if you don't come up with the goodies. I could easily sort out any of your wee problems for you. Here's my card. Reasonable rates.
Cuts to Bernard talking to Dave.
BERNARD
Oh you're brilliant Dave. I never miss any of your shows on the telly. You're totally fantastic.
Dave gestures to the camera man to make sure he's getting this .
You're wan of the comedy greats . But you're nae as good as Morecambe and Wise , though. They were really brilliant. And Brucie , he's still fantastic, even though he's about ninety odd. Still got all his facilities wi' the jigging and that. They were all slagging you off earlier, saying you were shite and that , but they're just jealous. You're pure magic, so you are.
Cuts to Tony and John chatting together. Dave walks up to them.
DAVE JAMIESON
Alright me old mates? What's the craic ( pronounces it as it's spelt) as the old bogtrotters from Paddy Land say?
JOHN
Excuse me, mate. We're having a private conversation here. Do you mind?
Dave walks away.
So what were you saying , Tony, about the Beano being a better comic than the Dandy?
FADES
