BARISTA: Sorry, sir, you can't go upstairs, we're closing in an hour.
MAN: That's OK, it won't take me an hour to drink this coffee.
BARISTA: I dare say, sir, but you'll have to do it downstairs.
MAN: But there are no seats down here.
BARISTA: I know, sir. It always seems to get busy downstairs at around this time, but I'm afraid you can't sit upstairs.
MAN: Why not?
BARISTA: Because we have to clean upstairs.
MAN: For an hour?
BARISTA: No, not for an hour. It takes about ten minutes.
MAN: Then, why don't you close it at ten to seven?
BARISTA: Because I have to clean down here at ten to seven.
MAN: Alright. Why don't you clean upstairs at twenty to seven?
BARISTA: Because I'm busy between now and twenty to seven, sir.
MAN: Are you?
BARISTA: Yes. I have to stop people from going upstairs.
MAN: Of course.
BARISTA: Because we close upstairs at six o'clock.
MAN: I see.
BARISTA: Oh yes, sir. Would you believe, if I didn't stand here and keep an eye on the stairs people would be up them before you can say "Skinny Mochachino"?
MAN: Do you know, I think I would.
BARISTA: Ooh, yes. You know how people are, sir.
MAN: Perhaps they don't realise the complexity of your timetable.
BARISTA: They don't, sir; that's a very good way of putting it. Now, if you wouldn't mind...
MAN: And, just supposing, as I'm rather larger than you are, that I pushed past you and went upstairs anyway, what would happen then?
BARISTA: You wouldn't do that, would you, sir?
MAN: Let's just say.
BARISTA: Well, you wouldn't like it upstairs, sir. It's not been cleaned. We're just thinking of your well-being.
MAN: And when was it last cleaned?
BARISTA: Twenty to seven yesterday evening.
MAN: Of course, how silly of me. But it would have been OK for me to go upstairs, say, at one minute to six o'clock?
BARISTA: Of course, sir. You can sit upstairs until six o'clock. An hour before we -
MAN: An hour before you close, yes. So - and bear with me, this is a little complex - if it wouldn't be too dirty for me *just before* six o'clock, and nobody has been up there *since* six o'clock, then logically don't you think that it wouldn't be too dirty for me now?
BARISTA: Oh, I don't know, sir. Some of that dirt adds up. You just get to a point where there's too much, you see, that's ghow dirt goes, and -
MAN: Out of my way! I'm bloody well going upstairs.
BARISTA: I wouldn't do that if I were you. [To self] Silly sir, going upstairs after six o'clock.
[Pause]
MAN: [Burbling wreck] The horror! The humanity!
BARISTA: How did you find things upstairs, sir?
MAN: Napkins...so many napkins.
BARISTA: And was there any dirt?
MAN: Crumbs, everywhere, those infernal crumbs.
BARISTA: I know, sir. Why don't you have a little rest against the pot plant, here?
MAN: Cups, cups stacked at grotesque angles offensive to nature! There was - there was a cake in cup, and it had got all coffee on it, and had sort of dissolved, and it wasn't even cake shaped any more.
BARISTA: I know, I've seen it.
MAN: There was...there was a newspaper on a chair - not on a table, on a chair, man - and...somebody had taken the front page!
BARISTA: I'll get you a glass of water, sir, wait here.
MAN: Yes, water. Water to wash away the FILTH!
WOMAN: Excuse me, may I get past?
MAN: No! Don't go upstairs, woman! You mustn't, you mustn't, whatever you do, climb those damnable stairs! It is forbidden! Aaaaaargh!
WOMAN: Oh, fair enough. I mean, they do close in an hour.
