This is the first scene from an episode called Dave Jamieson, of my would-be sit com .Similarities to any person living is purely intentional.This may cause a great deal of surprise to the more vitriolic of you but the first episode of this was optioned by a production company.A far weaker effort than this so it just goes to show you.Stone the crows.Well I never. Etc.etc.I hear you cry.Apologies in advance for the length of the scene but I thought I'd put in old-fashioned stuff like dialogue,characters and all that crap.
Fly Like An Eagle
Synopsis
Is a comedy drama about a disabled theatre company called Fly Like An Eagle who's motto is We'll Make You Soar ! The main characters are :
John who is a forty-something smartarse who uses a walking stick .
Tony who is an Aberdonian with an extremely broad North-East Scottish accent and an amazing expertise at poshing up and doing other accents . He has had a head injury but this is not apparent.
Mary Ann who is a blonde ex-glamour model/hooker . She is in a wheelchair due to MS.
Stephen is a young twenty-something blind guy . He can recognise any perfume or aftershave at one sniff . This proves very effective in pulling .
Bernard is a rotund fifty-something who uses a walking stick but has no real disability . He is mad for celebrities and show business . His claim to fame was being an extra in Zulu when he advised Michael Caine to drop the Cockney accent.
Franny is a 20 year old blind girl who has a guide dog called Julia.
Liam is a black middle-class English actor who is working as a drama tutor at the theatre company.
Despite all this it's not really about " disability " or "disability issues" . It's more about people interacting and failing to interact .
SCENE 1 INT FLAE REHEARSAL ROOM MORNING (10.00)
Most of the class, except Bernard have arrived for the day's class. Liam the drama teacher is reading The Guardian. John is reading The Sun.
JOHN
Aw look at this "Eight Times Married Cheeky Chappie Cockney Comedian Dave Jamieson ..."
STEPHEN
Arsehole!
LESLEY
Wanker!
FRANNY
Pillock!
TONY
Knobhead!
MARY ANN
Bastard!
JULIA THE GUIDE DOG
Farts loudly.
Liam looks a bit shocked at the strong language but goes back to reading his newspaper.
JOHN
" was unable to perform at a theatre in England because there were wheelchair users in the front row ..."
MARY ANN
I bet I could get him to perform.
FRANNY
Oh you wouldn't wi' that, would ye'? Imagine listening to all that shite patter.
MARY ANN
Who says anything about listening to his patter? Handcuff him to the bed, a wee bit of masking tape across the gub and a few strategically placed sex toys would soon sort him out. Putty in my hands. You know what they showbiz types are like. Remember Barry Michaelmore? A wee bit of sado-masochism would be right up his ...
FRANNY
Mary Ann!
TONY
Ouch! Not up the Mary Ann, surely not ?
MARY ANN
Street!
JOHN
It says that " Cheeky Chappie Cockney Comedian Dave Jamieson ..."
STEPHEN
Arsehole!
LESLEY
Wanker!
FRANNY
Pillock!
TONY
Knobhead!
MARY ANN
Bastard!
JULIA THE GUIDE DOG
Farts loudly.
LIAM
Looks up from reading The Guardian.
People! Please! Aren't we being a little negative here? Positive ! Positive ! Positive ! Remember the guy's a performer just the same as us.
Snorts from the various students.
JOHN
"... has always had a special empathy with the handicapped as his dear old Nan had to use a zimmer but never complained about it not like these loony lefties playing the old disabled hand and trying to stir up trouble ." It ends by saying " Cheeky Chappie Cockney Comedian Dave Jamieson...."
STEPHEN
Arsehole!
LESLEY
Wanker!
FRANNY
Pillock!
TONY
Knobhead!
MARY ANN
Bastard!
JULIA THE GUIDE DOG
Farts loudly.
JOHN
"... says that all his friends in the handicapped community should take the late, great Queen Mum..."
ALL
Gawd bless her!
JOHN
...as their example. She never complained even though she was very very old and had to be wheeled about everywhere. And she was still a lovely lady."
Aaahh! The nice! So do you reckon he had performance anxiety, then, in front of all the wheelies? Comedy impotence, as it were.
MARY ANN
You'd know all about that then , wouldn't you? Impotence!
JOHN
You just keep my willy out of this.
MARY ANN
I intend to. Once bitten, not bitten even , twice shy, as they say.
JOHN
It takes two to Tango, darling .
MARY ANN
Well you just stick to dancing solo then.
Bernard arrives.
BERNARD
Wait till you all here the brilliant news!
MARY ANN
You've lost your virginity?
BERNARD
Naw!
Looks at her.
I was just talking to Angela downstairs and she says that Cheeky Chappie Cockney Comedian Dave Jamieson ...
STEPHEN
Arsehole!
LESLEY
Wanker!
FRANNY
Pillock!
TONY
Knobhead!
MARY ANN
Bastard!
JULIA THE GUIDE DOG
Farts loudly.
BERNARD
... is coming to Fly Like An Eagle. Isn't it brilliant news? The BBC are doing a documentary about him so he wants to come here and see all the great work we're doing. Brilliant eh?
JOHN
Fabulous!
TONY
Terrific.
FRANNY
Big thrill.
BERNARD
What's wrong? Are you not pleased he's coming? I think Cheeky Chappie Cockney Comedian Dave Jamieson ...
STEPHEN
Arsehole!
LESLEY
Wanker!
FRANNY
Pillock!
TONY
Knobhead!
MARY ANN
Bastard!
JULIA THE GUIDE DOG
Farts loudly.
BERNARD
... is fantastic. He's my favourite comedian. Remember he used to present that " Making An Arse Of Yourself On A Saturday Night " show ? Oh, he was brilliant on that. The best presenter they ever had on it. I used to love the way he pretended to hate some of the contestants. That was smashing.
JOHN
Bernard mate, he's a right-wing, jingoistic, racist, bigoted, mysogynistic, homophobic and unfunny arsehole. And that's on a good day.
BERNARD
Och that's just you being all PC. I hate that. It's just Political Correctness gone mad. You can make jokes about anything. It's just meant as fun. There's nae offence intended.
MARY ANN
I hate to agree with that over there
Nods her head in John's direction
but he's right. You can laugh at anything can you?
OK. Try this one then. Right Bernard you're a big, fat ugly bastard? Ha ha ha!
BERNARD
Oh Mary Ann there's no need for that! That's personal! I never say anything to you about you being a ...
MARY ANN
You wouldn't dare!
BERNARD
Aw come on we're getting too serious now. We're only having a laugh as usual. I still think that Cheeky Chappie Cockney Comedian Dave Jamieson ...
STEPHEN
Arsehole!
LESLEY
Wanker!
FRANNY
Pillock!
TONY
Knobhead!
MARY ANN
Bastard!
GUIDE DOG
Farts loudly.
BERNARD
...is great.
FADES
